When Love Is Not Enough
by Hawaii08
Summary: My first story! I love H5-O, but I wish Catherine (Max, Kono, Chin, & Sang Min) were still on the show. I think that Steve and Catherine's storyline is far from over, or at least I hope so. The premise is: what if Catherine is back on the island, but not for Steve, for her. A Catherine Rollins centered fic where she attempts to find who she really is. Maybe McRoll, maybe not. :)
1. Chapter 1

I do not own any characters. Hawaii 5-O is owned by CBS. Enjoy!

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Catherine sighed as she stepped out of Honolulu International, it was always breathtakingly beautiful to come home to this amazing island, but was this really her home anymore? A bittersweet feeling rushed over her as she realized she was back in her beloved Hawaii, but there was no one to come back to and that hurt. Unsure of where to go and what to do, Catherine decided a trip to Kamekona's for garlic shrimp would be her first introduction to her new life. The decision was reckless she knew: Kamekona could tell Steve she was back on the island, members of 5-0 could be settling for a late lunch, or worse: Steve would be there. But she needed something familiar and treasured to ground her because her world was spinning out of control, and comfort food always makes thinking easier.

After her cab drops her off at the beachside food truck, she takes one look around, and Catherine can't help but tear up. The lump in her throat becomes unbearable, and she coughs up a sob. "Get it together Rollins, you chose to come here" she silently berated herself. Here being the operative word: Kamekona's, Oahu, Hawaii even. Catherine has never been so unsure, defeated, and quite frankly, tired. She's exhausted from running, from blindly taking orders from superiors, from running away from love, running from purpose to purpose to find herself.

Kamekona is ecstatic that his "best customer" has decided to patron his stand. Upon seeing the redness in her eyes, the food's comped—an action Catherine appreciates because she's running low on cash and in need of some kindness. Sitting down at one of the tables, she knows coming here was absolutely the wrong decision, she's not suitable for public consumption. The garlic shrimp is so delicious, Kame's hospitality is so touching, and the memories of celebrating her uranium win with 5-0 are so fresh, she's dying inside.

Catherine begins sobbing into her garlic shrimp, oblivious to the concerned stares of onlookers. Her sobs roll through with the strength of tidal waves, but she can't seem to get it together, and she's not sure if she even wants to because living with this mask has been killing her. Soon enough Catherine can't breathe, and death feels inevitable. Before she can register that this is a full-on panic attack, Kame is by her side pulling her into a rough embrace as she dry heaves and sobs. Kame insists on taking her to the hospital; he's never seen Catherine upset, let alone whatever this is. Catherine tries and fails to get her bearings. She wants to tell Kame she isn't working, has no health insurance in her real name -perks for working for the Agency-, and little access to cash or her savings, yet there's nothing but sobs and screams coming out of her.

The hole in her heart is gaping, and the void in her life is all-encompassing, it threatens to swallow her entirely. She's always been restless, a free-roaming spirit, but this is different, this is lost. She hates herself for dragging Kame into this because he does not deserve to deal with her in this state. Part of her feels guilty knowing that this was probably going to happen if she came to Kame's, but she just needed to see a familiar face on the island who didn't hate, resent, or distrust her.

"Was this little stunt she pulled at Kamekona's a convenient way for Steve to find out she was back on the island" she internally screams at herself, she can hear Danny and Lou telling Steve this exact sentiment. She won't allow him to hear about her return to the island, this time for good. She will not hurt him again, and she will not get in the way of him and Lynn. Coming for a mission, to catch a killer and terrorist – that she could do with Steve in her presence, finding out who she was at her core – Steve did not deserve to come along for that ride.

It takes a minute for her to realize Kame is talking to her, trying to coax her to get out of the pick-up. She moves to walk into the hospital, and her knees falter. Kame does not miss a beat as he scoops her up bridal style and treks into the emergency room. The next thing she knows she's in the ER with an IV hooked in her arm and a nurse trying to keep her calm. The worried look on Kame's face chills her and sends her back into her harrowing anxiety. Has he texted Steve? Danny? Kono?

Her words come out as a whisper, and she repeated herself three times before Kame understands, "Steve cannot know, none of them can know. Please". She can see the conflict in Kame's eyes as he reluctantly agrees not to mention whatever this is – to McGarrett. Kame doesn't want to leave her, but he doesn't want to stay and watch this, and most of all he doesn't want to lie to McGarrett. And not alerting Steve in this circumstance is a severe lie of omission. Ultimately, Catherine's pleas and how awful she looks eases the guilt he knows will swell up when he sees Steven McGarrett next.

"Kame you can go. I'm over my episode; I'll be fine. They're gonna want to keep me overnight for observation, I am sure. Thank you for helping me, I cannot even begin to express how much you are taking care of me has meant to me. Mahalo." She manages to utter before her emotions get the best of her and she's covered in a puddle of tears. Kame nods and begins his departure only to throw one last worried look over his shoulder.

LATER-

The team showed up to their favorite after-work haunt, Kamekona's, for an early celebratory dinner and start to the weekend. Much to their surprise, there is no sign of Kamekona. To make matters worse, Flippa is cryptic about his whereabouts. Steve makes a mental note to check in with the big guy this weekend to make sure everything is okay in Kamekona's world.

As Kame returns to the stand, it's all he can do to wave a generic "Aloha" to the members of the task force and climb into the safety of his food truck. "Hey what's with the big guy?" Quips Lou just before he takes a massive bite into his sandwich. Danny rags on him for eating like an animal, a Neanderthal, an obvious dig at Steve. Surprisingly, Steve is paying no mind to Danny, missing a valuable opportunity to express mock-pain at the dig. McGarrett's mind is elsewhere; he's determined to find out why Kamekona and Flippa are acting so weird.

An hour and two longboards later, Steve putters at the food truck, to corner Kamekona. "Hey, buddy, everything okay? You're acting a little off today. If you're in trouble, you know 5-0 would be happy to help you." Steve looks earnestly at Kamekona, studying Kame's strenuous effort to form words.

"Big Kahuna, I am not in trouble, I am all good. If I were in trouble, you'd be the first person I called" he goes so far to flash his trademark ear to ear grin, but it does not escape Steve that the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.

It occurs to Steve that the matter might be personal, something Kamekona is not going to open up to him about, at least that is tonight. With an exasperated sigh McGarrett about faces and heads to the Camaro where Danny has impatiently patiently waited for Steve. Steve was driving the Camaro, and Danny wanted to get home in time to shower and make himself presentable before he arrived at his exes to pick up the kids.

"What is wrong with you?" Steve says throwing an annoyed glance at the visibly annoyed detective.

"What is wrong with me? With me? Hmm, I guess it's that I choose horrible people to be friends with, God! Inconsiderate people, with no respect for my time and my personal life. Hmm, that's it." Danny fires back.

"Danny that hurts, that really hurts. I was just looking out for Kamekona. Something's off with him."

"I am sorry Steven. I am babe, believe me, I wanna find out what's wrong with Kamekona as much as the next guy, but tonight's a crucial night. It's my weekend with the kids, and I am only gonna get 30 minutes with Grace before she's asking to go to the mall or go to the movies with Will. Not to mention I've got to see Rachel and tell her I am thinking of proposing to Melissa. So, forgive me for being a bit impatient." Danny loves that Steve cares about people so profoundly, but tonight is too big for Danny for Steve to be playing 20 questions with Kamekona.

"Whoa what? You buried the lede on that one buddy! You're gonna propose to Melissa?! Whoa. Wow, that's amazing! When? Why didn't you tell me? Congrats man. Where's the ring?" Steve is only slightly hurt that he wasn't the first one told.

"Before you get your panties in a bunch—notice I said I was thinking, as in contemplating, as in wondering if that's what I want to do. I am not proposing to Melissa just yet, but we have been dating for a few years, and I know she wants kids, I am not getting any younger, so maybe it's time for me to show I am committed to her and making things work with her. Besides I can't even think about a ring right now, I've got the money pit- I mean our restaurant, Grace wanting a car, Charlie starting first grade, rearranging the custody agreement with Rachel… an engagement ring will have to wait." Danny hopes he's given enough reasons so that Steve isn't pissed he hasn't bounced the idea off of him at least once before he mentions it to Rachel.

"Wow Danny, still congrats. But why are you going to tell Rachel before you make your move? Did she tell you 'oh Stan and I are getting serious so look out for an engagement' or did she tell you she was engaged?" Steve looks over to find a slightly less amused Danny than seconds before.

"Huh? No, Steven, I did not know beforehand, but that's not important. Let me ask you this though." Danny pretends he's deeply engaged in a philosophical epiphany, stroking his face as if it's conjuring up the answers to life's most profound questions.

"Oh boy here we go." Steve exaggerates his annoyance with an eye roll.

"Well did you tell Catherine that you had radiation poisoning before you just flew off to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere to find a deposit full of radiation poisoning? Hmm, something tells me that you didn't." Danny shoots back.

"No Daniel I did not tell Catherine about the poison, though that would not have changed my decision to accompany her, the people of this island were endangered, it's my job to protect them. Also, Catherine has nothing to do with this; I would have gone if it had been anyone else." Steve is now full on annoyed. He hates that Danny throws Catherine in his face anytime they come in contact with each other.

It stops the hard-earned progress Steve has committed himself to – to stop thinking about Catherine every minute of every day, to stop the longing to see her, tell her about his day, complain about trivial things to make her laugh, and most of all to see her smile and call him Sailor, he loves it. Loved it.

"Danny, stop deflecting and using Catherine. Why are you telling your ex-wife about your plans to ask your current girlfriend about getting married? If I was to propose to Lynn, I am not calling Catherine and getting her blessing; I am just proposing to Lynn." Steve says it as if it's that simple and straightforward.

"So, you're thinking about proposing to Lynn?"

"Shut up." Steve rolls his eyes and looks over to find Danny fully turned to him in the passenger's seat with a huge shit eating grin.

"Well, Steven you've never been married. Any new spouse is a huge, huge change in the family dynamic. I need to tell Rachel because after we renegotiate custody if she thinks she can use me getting married as a bargaining chip in the custody arrangement, I will be able to show how that is not hindering my ability as a parent. Also, we need to as a united front, explain to Grace and Charlie that we are not getting back together. I need to hear from her point of view as the mother of my children how she thinks the kids will take it."

"But your kids love Melissa!"

"But they love their mother more. If they think there's even a remote chance of Rachel and I being back together, they're gonna want that. Who doesn't want their mom and dad together?"

"I see your point, but do you think Grace and Charlie want you guys back together or even think it's a possibility?"

"Yes, I do. I think that my children want nothing more than for Rachel and I to resolve our differences. Seeing as she's done with Stan, Melissa and I aren't married or even engaged, yes Steven, they want to see their mother and father back together, their family back together. Grace more than Charlie, she's seen her parents together."

"Fair point. Is there any part of you that wants to be back with Rachel?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious, now answer the question!"

"Truthfully yes, I do. What? Is it a crime that I want my family back together? I will always love Rachel because she gave me the joys of my life. I would do anything for the mother of my children…" Danny looks out the window wishing they'd pull up to Steve's and that this conversation would finally end.

"Anything except forgive her." Steve spits out before he can think about the statement coming out of his mouth. "Wait, Danny, I am sorry, that crossed the line. Buddy, I am sorry sometimes this Neanderthal brain of mine's gets crazy."

"No Steven you're right. The one thing I can't do is forgive her. The divorce killed me, sleeping with her after Stan left, Stan coming back and them reconciling all of that killed me, but the way I had to find out about Charlie, it's unforgivable. I am afraid of the way that I love Rachel, its irrational, and it's too emotional, too intense; the way she's hurt me, if I forgive her, then we're right back where we started. And I can't deal with that pain anymore. I am an old man. I want love to make me happy, not a love that makes me sick because I can't breathe without her. Simple, happy love. I have that with Melissa, yes, she's not Rachel, but Rachel and I will always be connected because of our children and at some point, that has to be enough."

Steve and Danny remain in silence for the last few minutes of the ride, each processing Danny's confession and its ramifications. The words replay in Steve's head as he thinks about Catherine. Danny's love for Rachel is a lot like his love for Catherine: irrational, emotional, intense, wild, all-consuming. Danny's love- no appreciation- for Melissa and simplicity/stability is how he thinks he could feel about Lynn, maybe even Alicia.

"Sorry for dropping that bomb" Danny offers half-heartedly. Even though they've reached Steve's house, he's feeling oddly regretful for the weird, awkward silence between him and Steve.

"No, I'm sorry brother, I shouldn't have pressed." Steve waits for Danny to initiate getting out of the car in case Danny feels inclined to say more. After an awkward and too long moment, Danny realizes what Steve is doing, and he unbuckles his seatbelt and is out of the car.

"Thanks for listening Steve. I mean it. I'll tell you how it goes. Maybe I'll bring Charlie over tomorrow for a swim if you're not busy or anything."

"Yeah buddy bring Charlie over, we'll have a couple beers, I'll put on some steaks. I'd like that. Besides Eddie needs someone to play with all day."

"Isn't that what you kept Junior here for?"

"Haha get outta here. Go." Danny sped off as Steve enters his home. All Steve's got to look forward to is a few longboards in his quiet (lonely) home. He opens his phone to call Lynn before he realizes he doesn't have it in him.

Nights like this make Steve miss Catherine even more. He wants someone he trusts implicitly to process the talk he's just had with Danny. Catherine's inquisitive nature, her love for Danny's children, especially Grace, would provide him with a caring sounding board. He misses coming home to someone and talking about his day, curling up on the couch for a movie. He especially misses the various, sexy ways Catherine could pull him out of his head and into the present moment. Nights like this remind Steve that even though he let Catherine go, a part of him died when they separated, a part he may never get back. Steve can't tell Danny to go with his heart when Steve is too afraid to listen to his own. Getting over Catherine was like traveling through a mountain range, peaks and valleys: sometimes he thought he could love another woman like he loved her or even more, sometimes he felt like no one would be able to break through the wall protecting his heart, he'd built after Catherine left.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Hawaii 5-0.

King's Medical Center: Mere hours after Catherine's breakdown.

"Honey are you sure there's no one I can call for you? Unless there's someone who can drive you home we are gonna need to have you stay the night." The nurse compassionately said to a still crying Catherine.

"No there's not. It's okay; I will be fine. I just need to be…alone." Catherine didn't want to be rude to the nurse, but it was hard to face the answer to that question. Sure, she had people to call, Danny, Kono by way of Adam, Jerry, Lou, her savior, Kame, but they would all come because of their allegiance to Steve, not because of her. She didn't want to call her parents, all they would do is worry and insist she come live with them in Coronado, she'd rather die. And calling Steve was simply not an option. For now, her best bet was to rest and worry about her medical bills later.

Coming back to Hawaii, well she didn't know what to make of it, but she knew she wanted to settle here. And she had to figure out how to live for herself in her home. Hawaii had always felt like home; she wasn't sure if it was the atmosphere, the scenery, or Steve. Deep down she knew it was Steve, it had always been him, he was home. It's too painful for her to think about not being able to be at home in Steve's arms. The CIA had kept her distracted, she didn't have the time or space to properly mourn a decade-long relationship. Now that she was a true civilian, she needed to learn how to deal with loss and heartbreak.

The next day, Catherine is released from the hospital on the strong suggestion she meets with one of their psychiatrists as soon as Monday. She's not sure where she's going in life, but she's got a clear head and a Xanax prescription in case things get overwhelming.

At least she knows the first step to settling down, getting a cell phone. After procuring an iPhone and saving the necessary numbers, excluding Steve's, she phones Kono. The phone goes straight to voicemail, so she sends a text explaining it's her, they need to talk, etc. By the time she's walked across the mall to grab Starbucks, its ringing back.

"Sistah, hello? How are you? Wait are you back on the island; this is a Hawaii area code." Kono says questioningly.

"Hi Kono, I don't know, I'm good I guess. Well no I am not, but that's not important. I miss you being on the island- "Catherine cannot even finish her sentence before she's bombarded with questions.

"Cath, I miss you too! I wish I was there to catch up with you. Catherine, what's going on? Is something wrong?" Kono presses. Catherine knows that Kono really wants to ask has she seen or talked to Steve, why is she on the island, did something happen to the two of them. Sure, Kono had heard from Adam that Catherine had visited the island months ago for work, but it took two months for Catherine to mention it to her when they had talked and even then, it had not sounded like she wanted to talk about Steve beyond the specifics of the mission. Kono knew not to ask about Steve again, waiting for her friend to come to terms with whatever they have or had between the two of them.

"Kono I came back to Hawaii for good. I finished my work for the CIA. I am tired; I want to settle down, get a job here. Well maybe not here, maybe Maui, I don't know. And no, Steve does not know I am here, and I don't intend on him hearing I am."

"Catherine are you sure? I think he needs to know. If he doesn't find out from you, it'll kill him."

"Kono he's moved on. We talked the last time I was here; he said he's happy with Lynn. I've stalked her Facebook; it's all pictures of her, Steve, and Eddie. Her out with Steve, Danny, and his girlfriend. I am not gonna ruin that for him. It's too soon for me to see him, I can't handle it right now. Please respect that." Catherine's eyes well up as she conjures up images of him and Lynn happy. It had taken Steve years for him to call her his girlfriend and even then, there was little to no photographic evidence of their relationship. It hurt, but she couldn't be upset with him. Catherine accepted she no longer had any claim over Steve. She knew she risked getting her feelings hurt anyway if she "creeped" on Lynn's page, but g*ddamn did it have to hurt this much?

"Ok sistah, but I want to go on record saying this is a bad idea. Enough about him. What are you gonna do now that you're out of the business?"

"That's kinda why I'm calling. I'm kinda in a bind in terms of money and access to my accounts now that I've left the Agency. What I am about to ask is for something major, if the answer's no I totally understand and forget I ever asked. I really need it for a little while nothing long – I promise I won't do anything even remotely inappropriate around him, but I can pay some money – more when I start working and even then, it won't be for long…" She knows she's rambling, but she doesn't want Kono to get the wrong impression. She can't even spit it out before Kono's interrupting again.

"Whoa slow down Cath, what do you need? Anything I have, you can have. What do you need?" Kono's worry increases as she hears Catherine speaking through her tears.

"Kono I need a place to stay. Can I stay with Adam? I wish you were here. I just need a few days, maybe a week tops. I don't wanna put Adam out; I need a space to stay with someone who doesn't hate me, resent me, or want anything from me."

"Of course, sistah. You're ohana. I love you, and you can stay in my home for as long as you'd like. Don't insult me by telling me you'll pay rent. Let me call Adam and talk it over, I'll give you his number, and he'll pick you up."

"Mahalo Kono."

"Aloha Cath."

"Aloha."

It was so refreshing talking to Kono even if it had only been to ask her to squat on her couch for a few days. Catherine whipped out her laptop as she perused jobs, she gave a call to her former CO to keep a lookout for local jobs in intelligence and drank her overpriced Starbucks tea. After an hour or two, Kono had replied with the ok for her to stay at Kono's, Kono's address, and Adam's number. She hesitantly hit the call and dialed Adam.

Adam stared at the unknown number buzzing his phone, he knew who it was. He let out an audible sigh. Steve looked up at him inquisitively, a "you gonna answer that" obviously about to come out of his mouth.

Reluctantly Adam answers, "Hello?"

"Hi Adam, it's Catherine. Catherine Rollins. Kono gave me your number, look I don't mean to put you out or anything, but I do need a place to stay and I'd rather this than on the floor of Kamekona's shrimp truck." Adam chuckles lightly at the half-hearted attempt at humor. Steve sends up a curious eyebrow. That's Adam's cue to leave the lanai and go back in the house.

"Hey, I don't want this to be weird, but I do a lot of work with 5-O and Steve and I have become really close. I don't want to be in the middle of whatever this is between you and Steve, but I also want to keep my wife happy. You see my dilemma, right?" Adam hears a sharp intake of breath from the other end of the line, but Adam's been on an honesty kick as of late so Catherine will have to deal. He'll need all the honesty points he can accumulate before 5-O finds out about the gun and gloves in his home and he's put to the test.

"No, I completely understand that. I just need a place to stay for a few days before I can get a place. You're not in the middle of Steve and me, there's no Steve and I. We've talked and gotten closure. I really am just trying to come home—I'll be there a few days."

"I hate this, but ok."

"Mahalo." After a brief pause, Catherine bites the bullet. "So, are you home? When should I come? I'm downtown at the mall, but I can stay here until whenever." She tries to be nonchalant, but she's really ready to stop looking over her shoulder making sure she doesn't run into anybody she knows.

"I'm at Steve's; family dinner." That dig hurts. Hurts her in ways she can't even express.

"Oh well don't let me keep you. Just let me know when you're home and I can figure out my ride there."

"No, no I'll pick you up. Just drop a pin."

"Ok. And Adam—" she's cutoff as she hears her worst nightmare, "Oh hi Lynn, no he's back there, yeah everyone's waiting on you to eat. What took you so long?" With that, she clicks off the phone. A tear escapes before she can shut her eyes and will herself to not have an outburst in a Starbucks.

"What? Who's waiting on me? I just came to surprise Steve." Adam's acting strangely. Lynn doesn't know Adam well enough to understand why he's being so weird. She'll ask Steve later. Lynn takes a breath before again speaking.

"Is everything alright Adam? Why'd Kono hang up? I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt." Lynn states apologetically.

"No, I'm fine, it wasn't Kono. Just an old friend. You didn't interrupt anything. But I think the guys will kill me if I don't go back out there and eat." He flashes her a charming smile before leading the way back onto the lanai.

"Look what the wind blew in," Danny says as he gets up to hug Lynn. Steve had not mentioned that he invited Lynn, which now makes Danny look like an asshole because he didn't invite Melissa. Or rather a bigger asshole for not calling Melissa back from last night after he accidentally slept over Rachel's last night.

"Hi, I just wanted to drop in. Sorry to be interrupting boy's night. Hi babe." She plants a kiss right on Steve's lips and settles herself on his lap. "Yeah, I just was wondering if my SEAL was alive and well since we haven't seen each other in a while." With that, she goes in deep for another kiss, a kiss that's borderline obscene, but Lynn's not sorry—she missed her man.

"Please, there are children here." Danny moans pointing to a preoccupied Charlie running along the shore with Eddie.

Neither Steve and Lynn are sorry. Steve likes when Lynn shows affection in front of Danny. It feels good to be kissed and it makes Danny think Steve's actively getting over Catherine. If only Danny really knew, Steve thinks.

Adam takes this as his cue to once again leave. He shoots out a quick text to Catherine to let her know he's on his way.

"Well as much as I'd like to watch you two make out, I think I am gonna have to bow out. Got some errands and what not to do." Adam stands, feeling slightly icky that he's lied to his friends who are just barely beginning to trust him again.

"What? Come on man you just got here! You didn't even get a chance to have a steak. At least finish your beer. " Steve says with a slight annoyance. He doesn't want Adam to go. This was boy's night; Lou wasn't even here yet.

"Yeah, you can't leave me and Charlie with these lovebirds. It's sick; cruel and unusual punishment." Danny chimes in. He didn't want this boy's night to turn into him third wheeling Lynn and Steve.

"Are you off to your old friend's?" Lynn asks, slightly accusatory, slightly suggestively. She doesn't want to insinuate Adam is being unfaithful to Kono, but she wants to put Adam on the spot the way he did in the kitchen a few minutes earlier. He grins at their inside joke.

"Ha. In fact, I am. I promised _him_ and _his wife_ beers when they land in Hawaii. So unfortunately, I do have to get going." Before Adam can dig himself into a deeper hole, he starts to make his way through the house.


	3. Chapter 3

Adam picks Catherine up downtown.

Catherine's lost weight. He knows it. Truthfully, she looks like shit, but he's smart enough not to tell her that. Kono would kill him, kill him if he ever thought it appropriate to say that to any woman, especially a close friend of his wife's.

"Aloha."

"Aloha." She all but whispers back. By the time she's in his car, she's ready to be out of it and in the house. The first night is easy; she sleeps in their spare bedroom after crying herself to sleep, like any other heartbroken person. Adam pretends he doesn't hear her little sobs, he doesn't knock on her door in the morning to wake her, he doesn't leave her a note telling her he's going for the day, but he does leave a key taped to the front door for her.

Catherine waits until she's sure Adam has left the house to get up and shower. She needs to call Doris or maybe Joe for help to access her money; they owe her that much. She needs to call her mother and let her know that she's not actually dead, just left the agency. She needs to schedule an appointment with a therapist. She needs to find an apartment. She needs to get her corvette out of storage. She needs to stop thinking about Steve, missing Steve, needing Steve. Instead of handling any of the things she said she'd get done on this peaceful Sunday, she rolls back on the bed and falls asleep in her towel.

It's night time before she realizes she's squandered the day, but she can't seem to care. She's missed some texts from Kono. Trump didn't declare war on anyone. The world was still spinning. She takes out her laptop and figures out a way to reach Doris' handler with her recent news. She finds herself wanting to phone Joe, but that's too close. Isn't it funny how life is; the woman who birthed Steve isn't too close to Steve, but his former CO – that's too close.

Tomorrow, Catherine resolves, she will go to the psychiatrist, thank Kamekona, and get her car. She'll need to get it serviced, inspected, update the tags, but she won't drive and park it in Adam's car park. She doesn't know how often 5-O comes by or how nosy Adam's neighbors are and who they talk to. She'll probably end up leaving it in storage until she gets a place.

Catherine wakes up well past her standard 6:00 am wake up and can't believe she's slept so much. This is certainly not how she conducted herself in the Naval Academy, the Navy, or the CIA. All of this crying and sleeping made Catherine unrecognizable to herself. But she knew this was the mess behind the wall she'd put up for the world for the past couple of years – since the break-up with Steve, or whatever you call two unofficial people who love each other, but life and circumstances pull them apart.

Getting up today is harder than usual. If she hadn't promised the caring nurse to go to the Veteran's Affairs psychiatrist promptly on Monday, she wouldn't have gotten up. But she knows she needs this. After her numerous rounds of sleep, she's finally been able to call her Mom and Dad, pick up her car and drop it off to be serviced. Her parents are concerned, but she convinces them flying to Hawaii is unnecessary. This is her journey and hers alone.

She's early to her psychiatrist appointment. As she sits in the waiting room, she texts Kono letting her know that she's starting to get the help she needs.

The psychiatrist's appointment is rough, the doctor's poignant questions pierce her soul, but she's been prescribed antidepressants so at least the meeting is fruitful. She's able to make an appointment for therapy at the Veteran's Affairs for the following afternoon. Catherine is committed to dealing with the deep-seated reasons as to why she's so restless, why she ran away from the love of her life, and how she can live after this now that she's not distracted by life threatening, exciting missions all over the world.

The next day, she's anxious to be in Hawaii without anything to do. With a few free hours before she's due for her therapy appointment, she heads to a local coffee shop to send out some more emails, look out for any notice from Doris, and to see if there are any places she can begin touring. She finds Kamekona's number and texts him to thank him for all his kindness.

She finds Kamekona's number and texts him to thank him for all his kindness. When he tells her to drop into the food truck, she politely declines and acknowledges that she can't go there and run into Steve. Kame understands, but he wishes to meet up so he can at least put eyes on her and make sure she is in fact better. She agrees to lunch with Kame, dinner, if 5-O shows up. She facetimes Kono, and it cheers her up that by the end of the call Kono is not as visibly worried about Catherine as she was at the beginning of the call. When she gets a text from Kame, promising dinner, she's elated.

Dinner with Kame is nice. He doesn't press her; he just lets her discuss how she is, what she thinks the future holds for her. She feels selfish dominating the conversation, so she asks him about his life. He tells her that he's partnering with Steve and Danny for an Italian restaurant, there's no telling when the restaurant will be open. A piece of her dies inside, it's not that she wants to co-own a restaurant, she isn't stupid, but this is just another example of Steve creating something with someone for outside of 5-O, where he couldn't even create a world outside of his work for her.

She casually mentions to Kame to look out for places since she's anxious to leave Adam's. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know Adam's uncomfortable with her presence and he feels seedy lying to Steve; she understands how unnerving it is to hide things from Steve. Kame offers to let her stay at one of his new rental properties. It's not a shock Kame is investing in real estate, but she's grateful he's thrown her a lifeline. Catherine jokes he's genuinely becoming quite the mogul and it pleases him to see her smile and joke.

Once dinner is finished, he takes her to Adam's to drop off the spare key. Adam isn't home which makes the situation that much more bearable. Since she only has one bag and a backpack, it's hardly anything for her to pick up her stuff, leave the key on the table with a post-it-note scribbled, "Mahalo."

Kame's place is nice, when she gets a job, the rent will be reasonable, and she can decorate it however she wants. She doesn't mind the place being bare; she's slept in much worse environments than this. It's quite spacious for a two-bedroom, two bathroom. The master with its en-suite bathroom has a tub where she can have a bath once she's hit up CVS and gotten some cleaning supplies.

The next day, she receives a call that her money has been unfrozen and that Doris has contributed handsomely into her accounts. She sends a silent prayer of thanks up to God and waits to hear back from her former CO about any job postings. By Friday she has gained three interviews with three different agencies on the island in the upcoming week and has a bed delivered. By a month, her apartment's decorated, and she's started training for her new job working for the US Marshals' Service. She still has to go to Glynco for federal law enforcement training, but the work will be relatively easy compared to previous positions she enjoyed.

She ups her yoga practice, she joins a gym for a month and passes all the requirements for Marshal service.

Before leaving for Glynco, she visits her parents for a few weeks. Staying with her parents allows her to feel a sense of normalcy she had not yet found in Hawaii and gives her time to breathe and relax. Catherine is thankful that she's been able to rekindle the closeness she'd once had with her parents before her stint at the Agency. They know she's heartbroken, but they allow her the space to talk when she wants and to be silent when she needs silence. Her brothers off on assignment in the Navy, can't come home on such short notice, but she talks to them almost daily. It strengthens Catherine's spirit to get to know her mother as a woman and not a mother and wife. For the first time in Catherine's life, she gets to know her father as her father and not as a Naval Officer. When she leaves California for Georgia, she feels like she's well into her way of becoming whole again.

Catherine doesn't hear about Steve, and she doesn't look for him as she settles down. She doesn't know Joe White is being held in captivity. She doesn't know Steve and Junior risked their lives to save Joe. She doesn't know every day Joe's words about Catherine are on an instant replay in Steve's head.

Steve does not look for Catherine either. He's "moving on," or so he tells himself, multiple times a day. Steve is incredibly thankful that Joe saved his life, encouraged him to ask her out, and ordered him to visit his father. Those memories with his father he will treasure forever, that little time he spent with John McGarrett had healed a good portion of his internal childhood trauma. Between seeing his dad and dating Catherine, he had felt wanted, needed, and loved. Had Joe White not ordered him to be vulnerable he would have missed out on memories with his favorite people on the entire earth.


	4. Chapter 4

Seven months later and she's back from training at Glynco and in Hawaii for forever. A sworn in Marshal, Catherine is excited to get to work, be on the island she loves, and settle into the apartment she's so painstakingly curated into being her home. She's missed her therapist, she's missed the ocean, and naturally, she still misses Steve, but the ache has dulled into chronic pain and less a sharp stab in the heart. Kame picks her up with Flippa and she's so happy to see them, she's not even missing Steve picking her up from the airport. Well maybe a little part of her misses those airport pick-ups. The cousins catch her up on the news, the restaurant will be opening soon, everyone's okay and happy, Kono is not back yet, oh and they're thinking of opening a third truck. She tells them she's now a federal agent and that she's excited to be back. Once they drop her off, Catherine, for the first time in months, is surrounded by silence. Silence used to be comforting to her, but now it reminds her she doesn't have anyone waiting for her at home, there's no husband watching tv, no pitter-patter of little feet anxious to see their mama, no dog coming up to give her wet kisses. She resolves she needs a tv in her room and probably a cat, Kame won't mind.

Thankful that she spent the holidays in training in Glynco, she settles into her life and realizes it's been almost a year since she's relocated to Hawaii. She's been Steve free for fourteen months, which is the longest she's gone without checking in on him by way of dropping into headquarters or via Doris. She feels weirdly empowered, although she knows if she thinks about Steve for too long all the feelings and emotions will float to the surface and threaten all the work she's diligently been doing to become a better person. Her heart screams for her to surprise him and show up at his house, but her head says that she needs time before she can be friends with him, if ever. And that time is best paired with distance and no communication. She will always love Steve, but right now she needs to love herself. Seeing him, without being with him, just hurt too much when she had tested it by going to him to help her recover the uranium deposit. Steve and her stay "friends" better when they have no idea what the other is doing, and she's gonna do everything in her power for it to stay that way.

Catherine, fresh from her most recent therapy session, returns to her office before she's sent out for prison transport. It's the grunt work given to the underlings, but she doesn't mind it. The marshals aren't 5-O, but they do have lots of fun rounding up their fugitives. Life has been good; she's been dating, careful to avoid any of her old haunts, and successful at avoiding 5-O.

When Scott, the fintech playboy she met at a club, asks her out, she takes a chance. Before she knows they're dating, exclusively. Dating Scott is easy, he knows when to press and when to shut up, he's busy, but he makes time for her. Best, he doesn't expect anything at the moment, he knows she's been recovering from a break-up, that her ex felt like the love of her life, yet he's not intimidated. She thinks this could turn into something – and at 39 she's not certainly getting any younger.

She knows she's lucky; the Marshals waivered the age requirement for her because of her impeccable service record, her boyfriend is patient and kind, and her heart is healing. She enjoys dinners with friends and co-workers. Catherine gets along well with her partner and likes her boss.

Now that she feels a bit more grounded, she tells Grace that she's living on the island. It takes two lunch dates and one trip to Sephora before she's Auntie Cath again. Truth be told if it had taken Grace ten more Sephora dates, she would have gladly done it; she's loved Danny's daughter like a daughter for as long as she's known her. Rachel and Catherine become "friends," their bond forged by the mutual love they have of Grace and their unresolved feelings for the men who lead the 5-O task force. Convincing Grace to not let her father or Uncle Steve know she's back on the island has been difficult, but Grace has missed her so much, Grace is willing to comply – for now. Catherine tells Grace she needs still a little more time before opening that can of worms and a helluva lot more therapy hours. Grace tells her of the big birthday bash her parents are throwing her, the intimate dinner at the restaurant being thrown in her honor, and of the 5-O family party that will happen at Uncle Steve's.

Catherine feels terrible that she can't attend any of Grace's birthday parties, she's a fucking adult. She should be able to be in the same damn room as her ex and his current girlfriend, she could bring Scott, but she's scared. Her therapist thinks it's a good idea to go and celebrate Grace. She mulls over her decision for a few days before she decides that she'll take Grace and her boyfriend out to lunch with her and Scott; then she might make an appearance at the birthday bash since it's neutral territory. Intimate dinners at Steve's restaurant and family fun day at Steve's are entirely out.

On the day she's set to have her double date lunch, Catherine is excited! Who would've guessed? Although she still thinks of Steve daily, there's less pain and more appreciation for what they did have. She's picked a beautiful place out on the waterfront and told everyone to wear their best; she even took the day off work to get ready with Grace who's been on spring break. Grace initially didn't like the idea of Scott, until he bought her a Louis Vuitton crossbody for her birthday – now unsurprisingly, the teenager is a huge fan.

They chat about her life, her boyfriend, Will, her parents who she thinks are secretly hooking up, how much bigger Charlie has gotten, and what colleges she's been looking into attending. Grace tells her she wants to go to college on the mainland, possibly UCLA. Grace doesn't mention Steve and Catherine doesn't ask.

Catherine doesn't tell her that she knows Danny and Rachel have been intimate recently, it's not her place. She knows Danny, and his girlfriend were on a brief break, and Danny had sought out Rachel for comfort. It's not her business, and she got no right to lecture Rachel or divulge this information to Grace. Rachel had told her over wine at Catherine's place that Danny had gone back to Melissa and how that had broken her heart. Catherine understands, and she listens to Rachel, empathetic that Rachel will have to live with Danny loving another woman for the rest of her life because of the kids. It makes Catherine thankful she's not connected to anyone in that way, although it would be nice to have a family.

After they're done pampering themselves and getting dressed, they watch an old rerun of I Love Lucy and wait for the guys. The adults will drive because they're not convinced of the teenager's driving skills just quite yet.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the delay! For some reason, this chapter uploaded wrong, but I couldn't fix it at work. :( Here it is:

Across town at headquarters in Iolani Palace.

Will Grover, dressed in a tieless suit, nervously enters into 5-O headquarters, hoping his father is 1. not busy and 2. in a good mood because he's got a big favor to ask. As he approaches the doors, he sees all the members of 5-O laughing around their smart table. It takes a second before anyone notices him.

"Hey Will!" Uncle Steve calls out and now everyone has turned their head and begun shouting out their greetings as he approaches.

"Boy, where are you going dressed like that?" His father asks. Lou sniffs the air, "boy I know you don't have on my cologne." Will chuckles because he sure did go through his dad's medicine cabinet and pull out Lou's date night cologne.

Tani chimes in, "I think Will has a hot date!" Which causes Uncle Danny – no, no Mr. Williams—to visibly recoil and fake vomit.

"Yeah, I guess I have a hot date. I am taking Grace out to lunch for her birthday, it's gonna be special I think. It's a uh a really nice restaurant, which is kinda why I am here. Dad I need money, please." To that, all of 5-O begins cracking up and making jokes as Lou pulls out his wallet, obviously bothered.

"Boy, I give you money every day, how much? How about $20? Well no seeing as you're all dressed up and I know the little miss is getting dressed up to the nines, how's 100?" Lou flashes his son that specific smile that translates into "this is all I am giving you and you bet not ask for more or I gonna embarrass yo' ass." Will knows this look very well. Over the years Lou has perfected that smile, but Will is on a mission and ready to play ball.

"Well Dad the place we are going is really nice, so I think I need more like $250." Danny and Lou literally guffaw.

"Where in the hell are you eating? You can't afford $250 dinners! Hell, I barely can. Y'all kids have no business going anywhere that damn expensive." Now that he's got the attention of all of the team it's time to make his play. As Lou fingers through his wallet, Will pretends to check his phone, he already knows Grace has texted saying the lunch was Catherine and Scott's treat, but the new Air Jordans come out next week and who knows if his father will be feeling as generous come next week.

"Oh, wait, dad, never mind – Scott's paying the bill." He throws out the bait, waiting for which fish he's gonna catch. At the introduction of yet another boy name, it's Danny.

"Who's Scott?" His father backs Danny up, "yeah who the hell is …Scott and why is he paying for my son to take his girlfriend out?" Now Will knows he's got them.

"Scott is Grace's aunt's boyfriend. He's dope. Don't worry about the money – Scott's loaded and Ms. Catherine said he's gonna pay so he definitely is gonna pay."

"Catherine? Wait Grace doesn't have an Aunt Catherine unless you're talking about Catherine as in she dated your Uncle Steve." Danny says to Will with a weirdly placed anxiety communicated through his eyes.

"Yes, that Catherine; the one who dated Uncle Steve. Yeah, her boyfriend. He's gonna pay. Which means I better get going, I'm already late and my uber's arriving." With that Will turns around and begins walking, a second later his father is calling him back and handing him the money. Will smiles, it's like taking candy from a baby, a big 6'3 grumpy baby. He's out of there without as much as a "thank you dad" because that would give his con up, he just nods his head in appreciation. Maybe he needs to come dressed up in 5-O more often.

Steve cannot believe what he is hearing. Catherine is back, back? Without so much as a drop by to say hello? And she has a place on the island? That can't be right because she's moved out of the house in Aina Haina unless she's moved somewhere new? And what the hell is this about her dating someone? Steve reasons he can't judge her because he's still dating Lynn and it's been about three years, not that he can even believe it. Even hearing her name conjures up memories and a feeling of loss he's expertly submerged until he's alone and able to emote without the nosy eyes of his team. Steve knows his next reaction is crucial; the team is checking his response specifically – Danny and Lou. Thankfully, the Catherine saga was before Tani and Junior's time, and Jerry is about as aloof as one can be.

With his emotions whirling as he tries to figure out his next move without looking incredibly disappointed that Catherine didn't even care enough to check in, he barely registers that Danny has suggested the team go to Kamekona's before starting paperwork in the afternoon. He tells Danny he's fine to drive, but judging by their speed and the near two accidents Steve almost causes because he's so preoccupied, it's a miracle they make it to the shrimp truck. Today is definitely a longboard day, no matter what shrimp concoction Kamekona cooks up.

The team begins joking at Lou and Danny about their kids dating, which allows Steve a bit of time to collect his thoughts. It shouldn't annoy the shit out of him that she's back on the island, and he wasn't the first to know, but it does. In fact, her presence, but still absence pisses him off, saddens him, and weirdly infuriates him. He's happy she's back and probably safe, but he's never encountered a Catherine who hasn't come back to him, even in the friend capacity. Steve isn't looking to get back with her or anything – at least he thinks, but still, it's common decency between friends to alert your friend when you come to the other's island. Even if Steve and Cath aren't indeed "friends" the way they claim to have been following their mission, she should have told him she was back. Catherine wasn't even aware of how often she's occupied his thoughts, her safety, and her life one of the constant worries he's learned to live with. And yet:

 _Somewhere, some guy is wining and dining his ex-girlfriend and his darling niece; that would irritate anybody, Steve reasons. He knows now is not the time to voice said annoyance, but he can't help that every few minutes his mind drifts. Kamekona comes in clutch with his excellent seafood fast-food cuisine. When he approaches the table to chat with 5-O, he jokingly teases, "Big Kahuna why the long face? Detective Williams talking about your stinginess?" The joke makes everyone except Steve and to a lesser degree, the perceptive Danny, laugh._

"No Catherine is back on the island," Junior says too quickly before he notices that wasn't his place, but the glare given by the table and the kick Tani aims at his shin lets him know he crossed the line. He coughs away at the awkwardness.

Kamekona misses the stares, too relieved to finally acknowledge Catherine's presence. "Yes, she is, I'm so glad. The island life does her well. I still don't know if I like her hair now, the Kame is not really a bangs man, but if Grace told her they're in, I guess they're in. The boyfriend is nice, but he doesn't hold a candle to you, boss." Kame doesn't exactly notice that the rest of the team is looking bewildered that he knows that she's back and been in contact with Grace. Judging by the comfortability he's exuding, and he's known this fact for a while. It's only when he sees Steve's "aneurysm face" is he aware he's said too much.

"Wait! Kame you knew she was back, and you didn't tell 5-O?" Leave it to Jerry Ortega to point out the painfully obvious.

"Maybe, maybe not." Kame's never been good at backpedaling. He's not able to gauge how mad Steve is, but the body language is saying he's the definition of not pleased.

"How long?" Those two words come out with an iciness that everyone feels. Steve doesn't want to get emotional in front of the team, but he's pissed, and he's hurt. Kame doesn't answer him. He repeats himself.

"I don't know I say, a few months she's really been back. I guess it's been a year since I picked her up from the airport, but she was gone for months with the new job. But yeah now that training's done she's been back a few months. She's the best tenant I've ever had, even with the cat." Kame digs his hole deeper and deeper.

"Adam, what do you say, it's been about a year right?" Kame adds before he realizes Steve's not asking out of curiosity, but anger and hurt. The table turns to Adam to explain himself, and it's all Steve can do not to break the longboard in his hand. His mind is in overdrive. Does his whole team know that she was back and worse had they hidden that fact from him?

"Look, Steve, I didn't know she was back, back. She stayed at my house for two or three nights and then she was gone. Kono said not to look for her. I just thought she had a mission or something and didn't want to tell you. She didn't say why she was back and I didn't ask." Upon this omission, Steve felt his blood boiling to a level only Doris and Wo Fat had previously made him capable of reaching.

"Who else knew?" Silence. "I am not gonna ask again! Who else knew?!" He's yelling now. He turns to Danny trying to decide if there's deception in his partner's eyes.

"I didn't know Steve, I promise you. I would have told you, babe. Grace never mentioned it." Danny says, and Steve believes him. But Steve is too upset to register that Danny's not the enemy too.

Lou is second to pipe in that he definitely didn't know she was back. Jerry, Tani, and Junior don't have to answer because they obviously don't even know the severity of what is transpiring.

Kame hates what he's about to say, but it needs to be said. "Big Kahuna, listen, I don't think she wants to see you. I think she's really been happy. She's made a lot of progress this past year. It's not my place, but I don't want you to send her back to the hospital, that was scary." Kamekona's so lucky Steve hasn't punched him in the face because he's so incredibly mad. But he wants to know more information before he goes apeshit.

"Kamekona what the fuck are you talking about? I've never sent Catherine to the hospital; I would never hit a woman. What the hell are you insinuating?" And now Steve's up standing toe to toe with Kame, steam blowing out of his ears.

Danny, Lou, and Junior mediate before anything can go down. They love the big guy, and they love their boss; nobody wants to see a fight between the two, especially Danny as he's in business with the both of them – but that's neither here nor there.

"Get off me. I'm fine. No, I wanna hear what he has to say." Steve whisper-shouts. Steve needs to punch something, shoot something, and by the way he feels he doesn't mind if its Kamekona. This doesn't get Grover or Junior to back down, but they stop touching him. Once Steve sits back down, Kamekona feels okay to lay it on him.

"When sistah got here, she was a mess, broken and lonely. She came here crying so loud, sent all my customers away. I had to take her to the hospital. Had something called a panic attack." Kamekona continues, "A few days later she moved into one of my rentals. Got herself a job, a boyfriend, a cat. Sees somebody to talk about her issues. She's happy you're happy with Lynn, she found her happiness elsewhere." That omission guts him. Steve's anger is deflated. He needs to leave the shrimp truck now because the sadness is overcoming him. Somehow this is worse than when she left for "Nepal," this feels final, and he's about to get sick.

Without so much as a word, Steve drops Danny's keys on the table and begins walking away. Danny tries to catch up with him, but thinks better of it; Steve needs to be alone. If Steve needs two six packs at 3 am Danny will be there, if he needs to cry Danny will be there, if he needs to shoot guns and missiles, Danny will go. It kills him that his partner is in such pain.

"Back to the office. Finish wrapping up our cases. I need to make a call." Danny barks to the team, and they comply without so much as a word. Kamekona knows he might have lost his best customers for a while, but he feels a weight has been lifted as he no longer has to lie by omission to Steve every time he sees him.

Across town, Grace's birthday lunch is going along swimmingly. She had been a little hesitant to have lunch with Auntie Cath's new boyfriend, almost as if she was betraying Uncle Steve. But her heart melts a little every time she sees Catherine glance over to Scott and smiles; her auntie is finally happy, and that's one of the best birthday gifts she could ask for. Oh, and that Louis Vuitton bag – her first, that Scott bought, that went a long way in Grace's mind.

The food was delicious, the conversation was refreshing and adult, which made Grace feel good. Auntie Cath had never made her feel like a baby, and she loved that, it had made Catherine's leaving all the more painful. Auntie Cath had given her and Will tickets to see Lil Halawa – the newest rapper out of the underground Hawaii rap scene; her friends would be so envious when she posted on Instagram.

By the time dessert had been served, she excused herself to answer the three calls and voicemails from her father. Her dad did tend to be a bit overdramatic when she was out with Will, making sure they weren't having sex or sneaking alcohol out of the house and into parties with friends.

"Danno, what's wrong?"

"Grace, you're in big trouble. Come home, now."

"But Danno! "

"Now Grace!"

"Danno you're scaring me, what's wrong?" Her father was usually never this irate. Had he found out about her lunch with Auntie Cath? But even so, why the yelling?

"Grace I am your father, I do not have to explain myself to you. You have thirty minutes to get home, or I am coming to get you. Thank your boyfriend, I hope you kiss him because this is the last time you'll be out with him before college." With that Danno clicked off the phone. It took Grace a few seconds to realize he knew about Auntie Cath and as much as she loved her father if she was already grounded, she might as well go out with a bang. It was stupid for her to be in trouble for eating lunch with Catherine and she was gonna enjoy it. Yep, her father was not ruining this birthday lunch and what little was left of it.

Grace put on her most neutral face – the face she used when her emotions threatened to overtake her measured composure. Usually, this face was reserved for the few times her parents were together with her and Charlie, and they all looked happy. She wanted that permanently, but she knew not to get her hopes up.

Coming back to the table ten minutes later was embarrassing; she didn't want them to think she had to poop or anything. She makes an excuse that the bathroom line was long and that she ran into one of her mother's friends. No one at the table seemed to question her story, and so she finished her cheesecake while laughing at Scott's hilarious impressions of people he works alongside. By the time Scott had taken care of the check, it had been 20 minutes. She shot Danno a quick text letting him know she was on her way, but traffic from downtown was taking long.

Catherine could tell everything was not right with Grace. She volunteered a girl's car and a guy's car once again so she could figure out why her beautiful niece was now all moody and sullen. Will had readily agreed, the opportunity to ride in a Ferrari twice in one day, too good to pass up. "You, my dear, will have to settle with riding in the Corvette," Catherine said as if her car was not impressive whatsoever.

"Funny Auntie Cath. Do you think you could drop me off at Danno's?" Grace could tell her aunt was reluctant to comply. The plan had been to drop the younger couple off at Rachel's, this sudden change and Grace's strange behavior following her bathroom trip made Catherine suspicious.

"Gracie, what's going on?" She tried not to show how conflicted she was about going to Danny's, but she figured Grace had caught her bluff.

"I don't know how, but he knows. He knows you're back." Catherine's breath catches.

"Who?" She's not sure if she's prepared for Grace's answer.

"Danno. I don't know how he knows; I didn't tell him! I swear! But maybe you could speak to him, so he knows you asked me not to tell him. Apparently, I am grounded because I didn't tell him." Grace's tears begin welling in those big puppy dog saucers she has that Catherine's never been able to refuse.

"Sure honey. I will talk to your dad. Don't worry about being grounded, and I am sure this is a misunderstanding. He's just upset, but it's me he's upset with, not you. I'll talk to your dad and sort this out with him okay?" Catherine hopes this assuages the girl's worries, but Grace is silent for the remainder of the car ride.


	6. Chapter 6

Both of them need to take a deep breath once they pull up to Danny's. Unsure of what storm awaits them, Catherine decides to head for the door first, even though this is Grace's home. Grace is too scared about what Danno's going to do or say.

After knocking on the door twice, the door opens to an unfamiliar face; it must be Melissa. Shit. Catherine should tell her, she'll wait for Danny, but then she realizes this woman is sizing her up, in a womanly way. A vague memory of a conversation she had with Grace places the reason for Melissa's animosity – she's Lynn's friend.

"Hi, I didn't mean to intrude. I can wait until Danny's back."

Catherine turns back to start walking to her car where she's more than happy to wait with Grace when Melissa calls out, "No, no tell her to come in. Danny went out looking for her, and I'll let him know you've brought her." It's not an invitation inside, but Cath isn't leaving Grace. She gives Grace the okay and brushes past Melissa to enter the house.

There's five awkward minutes of silence before Danny walks through the door. For a second his eyes stop over Catherine and he can't believe it's her, but yes, he can. Melissa reads the room and gets the cue that Danny and Catherine need to talk, alone. She beckons Grace to follow her to the backyard, Grace dutifully follows her before turning around and hugging Catherine. She knows this could be the last time she'll ever see her Aunt, an unbearable idea. Catherine lets her go after a moment and braces herself for Hurricane Danny, one she's sure is level 5 catastrophic.

"You've got a lot of balls you know. A lot of balls. Of all the places, you had to come back to Hawaii! Why? Has Steve not suffered enough? He doesn't have it in him to go another round of your game of cat and mouse or should I say catch and release. Do you know how upset he was that he had to find out you were back from Will? And that Grace, Kamekona, and Adam all knew you were here for an entire fucking year before he did? Are you trying to kill him? Are you a sadist? All you do is hurt him! What's wrong with you? Why are you trying to get his closest friends, his actual ohana, to go against him?" Danny's so mad he could strangle Catherine.

"You done?"

"Not hardly, just getting started in fact." Danny fires back. Fuck her for thinking she gets to get off scot-free on this. She has some explaining to do, to him, and probably to Steve.

"I came back because Hawaii is my home. I never intended to have Steve know that I was here. I know he's happy and stable. I just wanted that for myself. I've never searched him out, gone anywhere where he might even remotely be close by, haven't contacted him. Nothing. All I asked was for a little help with getting myself situated back on the island. I told everyone who knew I was here that I didn't want him to know that I was back. I was adamant about that Danny." Her confession still doesn't make it any easier. He knows his partner is somewhere fuming.

"You have to know how hard this is for him, right? This conversation isn't over Catherine, but you need to talk to him. He's a wreck right now." Danny can see in her body language that the Steve – Catherine saga was far from over. He just hoped this wouldn't get messier, but with Steve and Catherine's history and feelings, he wasn't sure that was realistic.

"I know this is hard for him, but we talked the last time we were on a mission and agreed to be friends. We even admitted that we should have never slept together in the first place. I thought he had gotten closure." Catherine's beginning to cry.

"If you cared about closure, why'd you come back? Hawaii's pretty sure, but there are other tropical places to retire from the Spy-I-A."

"Damn it Danny don't you get it?! This island is home. I came back for a year, and he didn't know because Steve and I can't be friends. I tried it, but I can't be around him and Lynn. Or him happy with another woman. Walking in that jungle and realizing he's moved on damn near killed me. I'm not over him, and therefore I cannot be involved in his life specifically, but that doesn't mean I don't still love members of the ohana. Grace, Kono, Kame, they're my family, they've helped me in ways you couldn't even imagine. I am so, so incredibly thankful for the happiness and love I shared with Steve for so many years. I am so thankful for the ohana that's supported him throughout his transition from the SEALs to 5-O. Even if I cannot be a part of Steve's life anymore I will always care about him, I will always love him, I'm still in love with him, but we are toxic for one another." Catherine brings her knees to her chest and rocks back and forth, not even caring her heels are touching Danny's couch.

"No! I very much get it, but when it comes down to it, my loyalty is to Steve's happiness and wellbeing. I'm not worried about yours, sorry. And no, you and Steve are not toxic for each other, it's you. You're toxic. You're like cancer, every time you show up you do immeasurable harm, and then his ohana has to nurse him back to health. Once we get him in remission, boom you show up again." That comment hits Catherine like a ton of bricks. Danny's words ring true, and that sucks, it breaks her already damaged heart.

"I gave Steve so many years; I needed to find myself, who I was outside of the military. I didn't want to lie to Steve about the CIA, but I didn't need him worrying and coming to save me, risking his life in the process. 5-O was his thing, and I needed my own thing, I needed to feel needed and appreciated. I'm sorry, but Steve was not enough at the time, not because I didn't love him, but I am a Navy Brat, all I know is to jump from mission to mission. Being with Steve, here, I was in Steve's world. My friends were Steve's friends; my co-workers were Steve's employees, my whole world was about Steve, with Steve, for Steve. I was suffocating, and I don't know how to communicate that to him without hurting him, so I left. It looks like his life is going just fine, a girlfriend, a dog, a job, even a restaurant. It's like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I stay and leave him alone, I'm the evil bitch who is turning his friends against him; if I am off in the CIA, I'm the bitch who broke Steve's heart and doesn't know when to come home. If I reconcile with Steve, I'm the bitch who stole him from Lynn, a cancer who's permanently here." She makes an exasperated sigh and begins pacing, Danny looks up from the couch and feels conflicted, he wants to tell her no one thinks of her as a bitch, but he knows calling her a bitch pales in comparison to him calling her cancer.

"Cather-"Cath sends up a hand to express she's not finished, Danny lets her finish.

"And it's unfair that everyone blames me for not taking into account Steve's needs, but what about my needs. Steve has abandonment issues; I have issues with staying in one place. Steve hates lies, but I have dark truths he didn't want to see or deal with. Everything about our love is so amplified and intense. It's like neither of us can think straight about one another and truth be told that kind of fire made me scared, but it also propelled me to take risks and explore more about myself. I don't know what will happen concerning Steve, but I do know I'll be living on this island for the rest of my life. I'm tired. I'm old; I want to have a family, I'm done running. I can't apologize for the hurt I've caused Steve, but please believe there's been hurt on both sides. I know you think I lied to you about when we had that conversation before I left for the Agency. I was telling you the truth that there's nothing I would have rather done than stay here on this island, but Steve wasn't enough for me to settle at the time." She pauses and takes a deep breath.

"I wasn't getting what I needed and wanted, the support I so desperately needed, the attention I needed. Because I love Steve and loved life with him, I tried to ignore my own needs until I couldn't. I don't regret leaving because at the time I didn't know what I meant to Steve, we weren't even "dating"! How was I supposed to know he was planning on proposing?" The tears start rolling.

"We had never even talked about marriage! I don't know if I would have stayed if he had asked, but I know I would have accepted and maybe we would have dealt with my CIA life together. I needed missions to help prove to me I was needed, I needed to prove I was capable because I was still reeling from Billy's death. I needed therapy for that Danny; I was suffocating, depressed and anxious. I was so lonely Danny; I needed perspective. I am not making excuses, but I need you to know so that you can tell Steve." At that admission Danny's head rises up, oh no way in hell is he letting Catherine off the hook.

"Uh-uh. No can do. You need to tell Steve this. Steve needs to hear the words. Please even if you want nothing to do with him after, please just talk to him. As much as I hate to say it, you're the only one who can say this to him, and he'll listen. You bring out the best of him and the worst of him. I can't say I want you back in the ohana, I am pissed you were communicating with my daughter behind my back and now you've caused a rift between her and her favorite uncle. You need to make that right. I am pissed we'll probably never eat at Kamekona's again, and he or Steve will back out of the restaurant because of this. You need to repair the damage you've done by resurfacing, even if it wasn't your fault your cover was blown. Repair the damage and then I'm perfectly okay with never seeing you again and you never hurting Steve again." The tone of finality in Danny's voice is intimidating, but Catherine has battled more intimidating men with much more dire consequences. But matters of the heart take a toll on anyone.

It was harsh, but in the heat of the moment, he meant it. He knew never seeing her again wasn't a possibility he wanted to encounter for Grace's and Steve's sakes. He just wanted this drama to be over. Catherine was a part of the ohana even if he didn't like that fact. It's a few minutes before either of them spoke.

"Is Steve's number still the same?"

"What? Yeah, it is, but you better not text him this shit! You owe him a face to face. You owed ME a face to face with him!" Danny's shouting and red as a tomato by this point.

"I am not going to have a text conversation with him Danny. I am going to ask him to talk."

"Just show up at the house. I know he's there, I have his location shared." He lied, he didn't know where Steve was because Steve's phone was off. But it was a good of a guess as any.

"I am not going to that house, Danny. I can't." Her voice breaks again. Danny can't help himself, he envelopes Catherine in a big brotherly hug. As she sobs, he sees over her shoulder that Grace has returned and is crying.

"C'mere monkey. I am sorry I yelled, you're not in trouble." Grace tepidly walks over and joins the hug. Danny knows things are far from over and he knows how much Catherine means to Grace. If Catherine is back, he can't stop his little girl from a relationship with her Aunt who has done nothing, but love, spoil and care for Grace.

Catherine is not off the hook just yet, but he knows he needs to support both Catherine and Steve. If Catherine feels cornered, she'll run, and he can't have that. If Steve feels abandoned, he'll spiral. It's up to Danny to make sure these two grown ass adults don't do more things they'll regret.


	7. Chapter 7

Steve's exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally. It's like his whole world has stopped because of two words; she's back. It doesn't seem real. He's annoyed that this still matters to him so much. He told her he couldn't wait for anymore and he'd moved on. He had a girlfriend he liked, and life was so right when he'd woken up this morning. Everything seemed like it was in place. He hadn't even thought of Catherine this entire day until Will Grover sauntered in asking for money. Why was he jealous of a 17-year-old seeing Catherine? Why was he so annoyed at the fact she had met someone and gotten more serious with him? He had told her he was still seeing Lynn and she had said she'd been dating; he should have known one day a man would come along and make it so that Catherine wanted to settle, God how he wished he had been that man.

He's not sure if he's happy about her coming back because as much as it pisses him off, it won't be real until he's laid eyes on her. Steve doesn't know if he wants to see her, there's so much that needs to be said. He's furious, sad, and most of all disappointed. He'd never considered that they'd be done forever or at least their final separation wasn't on his terms. He's angry that she's been here living life as a civilian and he's been so worried about her and her safety. He doesn't want to see her because it will be too much, but he also needs to see her, needs to understand.

Dealing with this emotional shitstorm sober is not an option. He's too angry and hurt to deal so he heads to the nearest bar and instructs the bartender to, "keep them coming." He'll never admit this, but deep down he's anxious about moving on with someone who is not her, he needed her, but she had left him. He's worried he will never see her again, but also seeing her again would break his heart all over again. Steve McGarrett did not handle lose-lose situations well. Why couldn't Catherine stay gone, but safe, changing the world so he could avoid this painful introspective mood he suddenly found himself a hostage to? He was her emotional hostage, and he was tired of being played. With too many shots and too many thoughts swirling in his brain, he's in no condition to solve any of his problems, but they're getting to be overwhelming. The bartender cuts him off, Steve knows it's the right decision, but easing the pain was his main priority.

It's over an hour before he can bear turning his phone back on; he doesn't want the real world and problems interrupting his pity party. A man like Steve McGarrett is not a man afraid of turning on his phone, yet here he is ready to vomit. What if she's reached out to him? Worse, what if she hadn't. Refusing to give in to his cowardliness, he takes a deep breath. Sifting through the incoming barrage of notifications going off on his phone leaves a pit in his stomach. What man in his forties is afraid to check his inbox to see if his ex- has texted them? Probably a lot actually he jokes to himself and takes the plunge.

Steve immediately sees that there is a text from an unknown number, he knows it's her, but it's easier to respond to Danny, Tani, Lou, and Junior first. Then he checks the island's daily security briefs, his emails, and every stat on his workout app. Before he chickens out, he opens the message. It's only after he's finished reading the text for the third time does he notice he's been holding his breath.

"Aloha. It's me. I love you. Please be safe. You're not taking anyone's calls. Your people are worried about you. I think we should talk. I need to talk to you. Please, Steve. At 20:30 I'll be at the beach behind Kamekona's. If you're not there by 20:50, I am going to leave. Steve, I need to know what you want, what you need. Please don't shut me out because you're hurt."

He wants to scream. This text is bullshit, devoid of any emotion or explanation, and yet it's a lifeline. Steve misses and loves her so much, he reasons she does love him, but she can't possibly love him the way he loves her. She's moved on, and he's "happy" – the thought is unbearable to him. He doesn't want to do this, but the jungle cannot be the last memory he has of her.

"I'll be there at 20:30. You have 5 minutes to talk."

He doesn't know why he's included a five-minute window, it's a dick move, but the threat made Steve feel as if he's gotten some of the power back. It's all smoke and mirrors though, she has all the power, and he knows she knows it. He doesn't have time to go home, shower and change, but she doesn't deserve that much effort. She's lucky he isn't going there to trash Kame's truck. Kame is dead to him, except Steve still wanted to kill him. He knows she picked Kame's because it's "neutral territory," but he still hates Kame, with a fiery passion. He remains at the bar for another hour or so, sobering up. At precisely 20:28:13 he exits the Silverado and crosses the path to meet her.

Seeing her from afar still takes his breath away; he almost wishes he'd brought his cell phone out of the Silverado to take a picture. Steve knows he shouldn't think like that anymore, but he knows he'll never stop marveling at the sight of her. True to his military training, he's planned to remain stoic, to the point of indifference. A part of him wants her to suffer as he has for the last three years so that she could stop fucking doing it. Unsurprisingly within feet of her, his mask is up, and he's on guard, determined not to crack.

Catherine doesn't turn around immediately, but he knows she knows he's there. He clears his throat unnecessarily loud to announce his presence. She doesn't budge. At 20:31:00 he says flatly, "20:31, you've got four minutes, but if you're just gonna stand with your back to me, I guess we're done here." He's pushing her to turn around, to acknowledge him, to ease the anxiety flooding his heart.


	8. Chapter 8

"Rollins!" She hears Steve shout to her to turn around. She wants nothing more than to turn around and run to him, but she needs to be clear-headed and concise. She's got four minutes. When she turns around, she sees the disgust in his eyes, the disdain she'd so desperately tried to avoid. He looks slightly drunk, angry, and irate. This was going to go well, she thought sarcastically.

"Steve, I've had my reasons for not allowing anyone who knew to tell you. I was trying to protect you…" Steve cuts her off.

"You? Trying to protect me? Uhh uhh, you don't get to do that Catherine. You were trying to protect yourself! Because that's the only person you 'care' about. If this conversation is gonna go like this, we can stop now." His voice is icy; he's the type of mad where there's only calm.

"What do you want?"

"What?"

"What do you want?! Tell me, Steve. If you're going to, hate me or be done with me permanently just say so. If you're not going to listen to me, why'd you agree?" She started off screaming and ended in sobs. He can't stand to see her cry even now.

"Catherine, I want you to tell me why! Why'd you come back? Why did you lie about the CIA, why did you pick Afghanistan over me? Why'd you pick 5-O to go in that jungle? Why do you despise me so much you wouldn't look to talk to me for a year after coming back?" There are, a million other questions at the tip of his tongue, but he needed answers from her to these questions like his life depended on just understanding why.

"I came back because I was done my required service for my op; from the very first time you showed me this island, it's been my home. I left because our love was not enough." She steadies herself for the emotions bound to follow answering her other questions.

"Our love was not enough? Are you serious?! Is that the best you could come up with? This is bull. I'm outta here." He turns away because hearing that his love annihilated the ice-cold façade he shrouded himself with to avoid any further pain.

"I'm sorry, but it wasn't! I needed you in ways you cannot fulfill. I needed support transitioning from military service. I needed you to tell me how you felt about me. I needed to know what value I had in your life. I begged for your attention, but work always came first! I was begging you to see me as your life partner. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and it felt like I didn't matter. As long as we had been together, there was never any conversation about the future! We weren't even dating, we were fucking on shore leave, but I was in love with you. I am in love with you Steve! Do you even know how hard it was for me to ask about Lynn? To get jealous of Tani? To be near you and not love you isn't possible." She lets out a sigh that's more like a growl of frustration before she continues.

"But to answer your first question; the reason why is because I did not see the future that I wanted with you ever happening, I didn't feel needed, I felt like my partner in life was slacking on the job. I tried to keep distance between us because Jesus Christ, we can't be friends, we are all or nothing. I saw myself trapped and I got scared so I ran. There's lots of reasons Steve. All I can say is I am sorry, so sorry for all the pain, the anguish, whatever you felt that has negatively impacted you from us, I am sorry.

Steve didn't know what to say; he doesn't like her answers, but he knows he needs to hear them. She continues:

"My therapist says I have commitment issues; you have abandonment issues, hell we both have PTSD. I came back because even after the Agency, I knew I needed to get my mind stabilized. When I came back my depression and anxiety consumed me, I'm pretty sure seeing you would have literally killed me. I got professional help and believe it or not, I am glad Will accidentally said something; it had been one of my goals this year to initiate this conversation." She smiles softly at him; he doesn't let on to how much that look affects him.

He doesn't give a damn about her seeing a therapist. With all the shit they've both seen, the depravity, the evil, her seeing a therapist was probably medically necessary.

"I see a therapist for the PTSD through the VA. I see an entirely different therapist, out of pocket, to talk about our issues and 'relationship.' Steve, I know you think you're the only one who was hurt in this and that's simply untrue. I have no place, no right, no standing, but I think you should see a therapist. I'd like to think I am a better woman, a better person from those sessions."

"I don't need therapy, Catherine." A bold-faced lie, even he knows it.

"Ok, Steve." She's starting to lose faith in this conversation. "Why did it take you a decade to tell me you loved me? Why was I so in love with you? Why am I still in love with you? Steve we both have pain, we've both been hurt, but I still love you so much. I only want the best for you. Please do your best to stay safe and be loved, in love."

He felt as if she'd pushed him off a cliff and he's trapped in the bottom weighted by stones. Even as both were openly crying, speaking heart to heart, he couldn't slip off the guard around his heart. Her words had taken him aback. It's not that he did not know any of this stuff, he'd assumed she was okay with the way things were going. The truth is, he ignored all the red flags because he was scared he would lose her. His inability to convey how he honestly felt about Catherine had caused him to lose her.

"Catherine…" He exhales before mumbling that he can't, he can't even talk about them. The dam holding his truest, rawest feelings is threatening to burst. Catherine is patient with Steve because not even she could predict the number of emotions this conversation would cause.

"Catherine, everyone leaves me. Everyone. When people leave it hurts, it triggers me back to the time I thought no one wanted me. I can handle that from everyone, but I can't handle that from you. I thought to show you would scare you less than telling you. It scared me how much I loved you like if you knew how much I needed you, you'd leave me. I couldn't tell you Cath, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I am sorry Catherine."

"Cath I was so selfish, so codependent, so controlling that I didn't look out for you. How I handled 'being there for you' when you left the Navy and then Billy died was awful. I can admit that. But how is it possible that everyone can see how much I loved you, still love you and you can't or won't."

He's never poured out his heart like this before. Not even to her. He feels so raw and so tired.

"Catherine I just wanted you, I still want you, but I can't get hurt like this. I cannot take it. You know you're right we can't be friends, but we need to try because I won't lose you again. Stop running. I love you more than anything else in this entire world. I need you in my life."

Catherine throws herself into his chest, and instantly he envelopes her in a hug, both clinging to something that's slipping through their hands.

"They say the hardest thing about letting go is acceptance, but right now I think it's actually letting go." She says loud enough for him to hear, but he's tuned everything out. Because right now nothing mattered more to him than them comforting one another. To both of them, this feels like home, no one else can make them feel like this, their love runs so deep, but it's as fragile as glass.

Catherine initiates leaving the hug, but he holds her tighter. She pushes his chest back so she can look into Steve's eyes. She's sure his mirror hers: love, heartbreak, anger. She wants to kiss him, but she's not going to be unfaithful to Scott, and he won't be to Lynn.

"Steve, one of us needs to leave. I don't want us to do anything we'll regret. Steve, if you keep holding me, kissing my hair, and rubbing my back, I am going to cheat on my boyfriend, and I won't be sorry. Please Steve, please."

He's turned on too, and they both know it. Attraction wasn't the issue, self-control, however, was an entirely different story.

Steve leans in, and Catherine doesn't move away. Their kiss is light, both afraid to give in. When they look into each other's eyes, nothing matters. They stay in their embrace until Steve's emotions bubble to the surface. He releases her and does what he never thought possible; he walks away. She doesn't call for him; she doesn't run to him, she waits until the Silverado pulls off before she lets out a scream. It's primal and blood curling, and it feels like her vocal chords are being ripped out, but she doesn't care. Nothing matters anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

While she's driving back to her apartment, her phone chimes, it's a message from Steve. She doesn't read it until she's parked.

"Please stay. I'm sorry I left, I needed to go. I still want to talk. I still need you so please just give me time."

It's not what she expected from him, and she's not sure how to respond. She thought she had lost him forever, that this had been their final goodbye.

"I am not leaving. I'll be here."

She keeps her response simple because their friendship-relationship-whatever was too fragile to rock the boat with more conversation. She's happy she told Scott to go home earlier, it would be too much for her to see him tonight. He would have comforted her and made love to her while she thought about Steve; it wouldn't be fair to him.

Catherine takes a long bubble bath accompanied by a bottle of wine and a blunt. Candles illuminate her bathroom and sad music blasts through her speaker. She's been on months long, classified missions that have taken less of a toll than the last six hours of conversations she's had with Danny and Steve.

A year ago, Catherine would have shown up to Steve's place and sought comfort from him. They would fuck, they would tell each other they loved one another during the sex, then the mask would be back up, and she'd be gone. That had been how they had dealt with all of their problems, but it was just a band-aid over a hemorrhage. But she's grown in the last year, and she knows that she and Steve need to talk to indeed gain closure.

She falls into bed and listens to podcasts to drown out the thoughts of Steve and the sadness. She knows she's still reeling from the conversation with Steve and seeing Scott anytime soon would hinder her progress. When she sees Scott's canceled their early morning breakfast plans for a work meeting, she's relieved.

Steve is a wreck after he pulls off from Kamekona's. The storm of emotions is literally overwhelming him. He can't focus and he sure as hell shouldn't be driving. He felt like a coward running away, but he felt like he couldn't breathe. He could not handle admitting the deepest parts of his heart to the only person who could rip that heart right out of him. He could not handle hearing and understanding Catherine's side. Steve was disgusted by how cowardly he'd acted by running away, but it was all too much.

He wanted to cry, he wanted to kill, he wanted to get drunk, just something to stop him from this feeling captured in his chest. He had never dealt with this level of heartbreak. Any splits from the past paled in comparison to tonight's events.

Before he loses his nerve, he texts her asking her to stay in Hawaii so that they can talk. He asks for time because he doesn't even know what to say, but he can't bear for her to leave again. If he had thought the jungle was a bad memory, this was a thousand times worse.

When she responds that she'll stay, the anxiety he feels melts. Seven words from her are all it takes for him to take a deep breath finally. If he thinks too long he'll get anxious about talking or seeing her, so he jumps out of his truck and walks up Danny's driveway.

He has a key, but he knocks anyway. Danny's surprised that Steve's come to his house, Steve is surprised that Lou is already over. He wants to back out because it's awkward and he shouldn't have ripped into his team the way he did.

"I…uh…I." Steve struggles to form the words, and Lou cuts him off telling him they need no explanations. The trio sits down with two six packs and pretends to watch the game Danny had recorded earlier in the week. Lou and Danny fake interest in the game and wait for Steve to address the elephant in the room.

"We uh, talked." It's all he has to offer. Danny and Lou don't acknowledge his confession; neither know if Steve and Catherine talking was a good or bad thing.

"I told her what I needed to say and she told me the things she needed to say. She's going to stay in Hawaii. I don't know how I feel about that; I don't know if I want her in my life or if we should never see each other again." He feels guilty for lying to his friends, but he knows they'll never understand and he's not in the mood to fight. He takes a swig of his beer before continuing.

"Nothing happened, I am still with Lynn, but I still love her. I love her with all my heart. I didn't know it was possible to be this hurt. I will never get over her; she's the love of my life." There's no questions or uncertainty in his statement.

"Sometimes it's like that brotha. This love shit is hard." Lou offers and Steve's thankful. Danny, suspiciously silent, nods his head in acknowledgment.

"I think I'm gonna take a few personal days. I need time." By now Steve's on the verge of tears. It's breaking Danny's heart; he loves his partner more than he loves his own brother.

"Steve, she came by today when she dropped off Grace." Steve's head shoots up as he waits for Danny to finish.

"I yelled at her for leaving, for talking to Grace behind my back, for not coming back. I called her a cancer."

"She's a Leo," Steve adds confused.

"No, I called her toxic, she's like cancer to you Steve. I'm not sorry I said it, but I wanted her to know how much pain she's dumped on you." Steve takes a breath because he's ready to fall into a violent rage, but Danny's not finished.

"She told me her side, and I respect her for that at least. I don't agree with her actions, and I'm still so pissed at her, but I believe her. I think she really is trying to be a better person. Grace and I talked for a long time after she left and it made me put things in perspective. I know you've had a rough night, but I need you to talk to Grace. She thinks you'll never forgive her for not telling you and me that Catherine was back and that they'd seen each other. In fact, Catherine and Rachel have even become friends who bond over wine and reality tv." This elicits a surprised chuckle from both Lou and Steve.

"Well, I'll be damned," Lou mutters, entertained. Danny's new fact provided the levity needed to continue this conversation.

"I…uh don't know what to say to that Danny. I don't. But tell Grace I am not mad at her; I am not hurt, I still trust her as much as I ever have. I am sad Grace didn't tell me, but I know that's what she wanted; she didn't want me to find out that she's on the island. I can't hate Grace for respecting her Aunt's decisions. I don't expect that from a child."

"Wow. Are you sure you're okay? That's awfully mature of you to say, Steven."

"Watch it, Danny," Steve says half-jokingly.

"Easy easy, I'm just busting your balls. Grace will be so happy to hear that, she's been so upset I had to call in the big guns, the boyfriend. So, Grover and I were just shooting the shit until they get back from getting ice cream." Steve hates that Danny knows him so well that he thinks Steve needs an explanation as to why Grover is here at Danny's. He knows Danny is subtly telling him the two were not gossiping about the status of Catherine and him.

"Yeah, I think I need to talk to my niece, I'll wait until they get back." It's a question in the form of a statement, Danny knows he's asking to stay, and so he squeezes Steve's shoulder to say "of course you can stay."

When Grace and Will arrive back from their date, she notes the Silverado parked outside. Anxious she texts her dad to let him know she's home and he tells her it's okay for them to come in, Uncle Steve is not mad at them. She opens the door to the house and runs to Uncle Steve on the verge of tears.

He immediately stands up and hugs her. Grover and Will quietly leave the Williams home, and Danny goes in to check on a sleeping Charlie. He's glad Melissa has gone home, which prevents a scene from erupting between his partner and his girlfriend. He asked Melissa for 24 hours before she told Lynn that Catherine's back and Melissa had reluctantly agreed. Danny knew Steve needed time to sort his head out before Lynn came rushing in to heal him.

He waits behind the corridor wall to eavesdrop on the last bit of his daughter's conversation with Steve.

"Uncle Steve I want you to be happy. I want Aunt Cath happy. I want you two to be happy together because she loves you, she loves you so much, and you love her. Now that I am in love, I know what that feels like…" Danny's disgusted, since when did his baby girl start loving Will? Vomit.

"I love Aunt Cath because she listens to me and treats me like an adult. I will never hate her, but if you don't want me to talk to her, I won't because I know how much you mean to my dad. I don't want to cause a rift between you and Danno because you know I talk to Aunt Cath."

"Grace, I would never ask you that. In fact, I am so thankful for you supporting your Aunt." He can't quite say Catherine's name yet.

"Uncle Steve I am gonna tell you a secret. Swear you won't tell Danno?"

"I swear." Danny knows he should announce his presence, but he wants to know this secret. Now, Grace only shares her secrets with Will or her friends, not him. Why did his little girl have to grow up?

"Danno thinks he loves Melissa, but he doesn't. He's just scared to love my mom again. And she's scared to love him again. I worry about my parents every day, I know I was not enough for them to stay together and I thought maybe Charlie was, but he isn't either. I overheard her tell Aunt Cath that she moved to Hawaii, not because of Stan's business, but because she needed space from Danno because she loved him too much to not be with him. She told Aunt Cath that both her and my dad operate off fear, they don't take risks, and that's why neither of them is truly happy. I can't ask you this, but I want you to think about taking a risk on Aunt Cath."

For such a young age, Grace Williams was wise beyond her years. Her secret revelation leaves both Danny and Steve's heads spinning. Danny doesn't know how to control the emotion welling up within him, but he knows better than to interrupt or let her know he's overheard them.

"Gracie it's not that simple. Your Aunt and I have so much history, so many issues. It's just not that simple honey, sorry."

"Uncle Steve it is that simple. Take a risk. Either you're happy, or you're heartbroken, but you've been both before and survived. What's the problem? Adults make everything so much more complicated, and it makes me so mad. You all go through the motions and act like everything's okay, but it's not because you're not with the one you love." Steve swallows his protest and lets his niece continue.

"When Danno and Melissa got into a big fight and broke up, he went crawling back to my mom. I was at a sleepover, so Danno was supposed to come pick me up in the morning, but I wanted to go home, so I took an uber home, and I saw his car still there, and I knew. I left and stayed with Aunt Cath until noon and ubered to Danno's. Never tell him this, but the morning after, I took one look at him, and I knew they'd slept together. They think I'm a baby so that I wouldn't know these things, but I do. And then after my mother got comfortable with being back with my father, he got back with Melissa. Do you know how much that hurt? Me? My mom? But she never said anything, and neither did I."

"Grace, I didn't know about your parents. I'm sorry." He was telling the truth, Danny had not mentioned he and Rachel had slept together again, sure Steve suspected it, but he never inquired.

"It's okay. It's a part of life. I don't want what happened with my parents to happen to you and Aunt Cath. You can forgive her; she didn't keep a child from you for three years. You can forgive her. I look at the way Will's parents love each other through thick and thin. I want that for my parents; I want that for you too. You can forgive Aunt Cath."

Steve wraps Grace up in a hug and Danny pretends to come out of Charlie's room finally. The three of them watch tv together until 2 am. Then Danny carries a sleeping Grace to her room and puts a blanket on a snoring Steve. He stays up until 5 am thinking about his daughter's words.


	10. Chapter 10

At precisely 5:00 in the morning, a disoriented Steve woke up abruptly and automatically reached for his gun. It took him a second to realize he was at Danny's and another second to remember why he'd fallen asleep here. As the realization hit him, all the emotions came bubbling up. He cried in silence, he didn't want to go back home just yet, but he wasn't about to wake Danny or his kids. An expert in repressing his emotions, he decided to turn back over and try to sleep again.

When Danny got up for work, he was surprised that Steve was still there. Running on only two and a half hours of sleep put him in a mood, and he was grateful Steve was taking a personal day because this was a prime day for them to fight. He tried to be as quiet as he could, thankful the kids were on spring break and didn't need to move around the house just yet. He texted Grace to watch her brother and left the house to get a jump start on work.

Preoccupied with Grace's words from last night led him straight to Rachel's house, even though he had meant to go to work. He knew he had no business going to see his ex-wife at this hour and in his current emotional state, but the heart does what it wants. She doesn't say a word as she lets him in and abruptly walks to the sofa. Danny locks the door and takes a deep breath.

"Rach…"

"Danny don't. Please. I'm not in the mood."

He understands. He has no right to come to her with his problems, he knew without Grace's admission that Rachel was hurt he'd gotten back with Melissa. He remembered how they'd screamed at each other, she cried, and then they fell into bed together, just for Danny to call Melissa the next day and beg her forgiveness. Rachel and him hadn't spoken for months after that, beyond the necessary co-parenting conversations.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I am. I know you're hurt. I was stupid and impulsive, and I shouldn't have done that to you. Look I messed up, and I'm sorry."

"Are you still with her?"

"Yes."

"Then get out." The iciness in her voice chills him to the bone. He doesn't say anything else to her as he leaves.

He's glad Duke's asked for 5-O's help with a case when he arrives at headquarters. The team doesn't miss a beat, their suspect is apprehended, and Danny's back at his desk doing paperwork all before lunch. Tani and Junior had hoped for lunch at Kamekona's, but Danny decides to treat the team to a working lunch, and he orders Chinese. The atmosphere is awkward, but no one has inquired about Steve's absence to him yet. He figures Grover has told them that Steve's taking a few personal days.

During the two o'clock lull he texts Steve to make sure his partner is okay. An ordinarily prompt Steve takes two hours to reply with, "I'm fine."

Danny knows he blew it with Rachel this morning, but he still has questions about the party they're throwing her on Saturday. It's in three days, but he can't imagine being in one room with Melissa and Rachel. Steve, Lynn, and potentially Catherine will all be there and so will Kamekona. Why the hell did Catherine come and mess up the new normal? Why was he so stupid juggling Rachel and Melissa? He knew he should have never agreed to a joint birthday bash. Divorced parents had separate parties all of the time. There's some wisdom to that, he laments.

He texts Rachel asking if she minds if Melissa will be there, she responds coolly that she expected as such. He wants to inquire if Catherine's showing up, but he's already on such thin ice, he knows he's better off dropping it.

Steve's surprised he didn't wake up to Grace making Charlie breakfast. He feels a little awkward getting up and stepping into the kitchen, but when Charlie runs to him yelling "Uncle Steve!" all he can do is grab Charlie up and tickle the little boy.

Grace acknowledges him, and he sees a plate out for him. It's nothing special, just two waffles and breakfast sausage, but he realizes he hasn't eaten since Kamekona's.

"Uncle Steve are you busy today?"

"No Grace, I'm off. Why?"

"I was wondering if you could take me to party city? I need a few things for Saturday, and I was going to ask Danno, but if he gets off work late, I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I've already asked my mom and Aunt Cath, but both of them can't take me today." She knows she doesn't have to tell him about Aunt Cath, but now that the secret's out, what the hell?

"Yeah, I can do that. I…uh won't be able to help you with shopping though. I'm no good at that."

"That's okay I know what I want. Besides Danno told me he has to pick out everything for the restaurant because you and Uncle Kame don't have taste."

"Well he's wrong; I've got great taste." He hopes she didn't notice his bristle at the mention of Kamekona. Instantly he's infuriated with Kamekona, but he knows that the fury he feels at Kame is fueled by his anger at himself. Sure, Kame didn't tell him Catherine was back, that she was okay, and he had told Steve not to see her. But he had found out, talked to her, and made an even bigger mess.

When it came to Catherine, every feeling within him was confused. He wants to be with her, but he doesn't want to get hurt again. He also wants her to be hurt the way she's hurt him. But he doesn't want to see her hurt or know he's the cause of the hurt. He loved her so much, but he couldn't move past the pain. And yet, he wanted nothing more than to let go of the hurt and reconcile. Everything was better with Catherine in his life; the sun shone brighter, food tasted better, time moved slower, without her life was incomplete. The sex was insane, not only was she a great lover, but infused with the sex was love, safety, and commitment. He couldn't recreate that with Lynn no matter how hard he tried. And boy had he tried.

Grace snaps him out of his internal monologue and asks if they can go soon. She and Charlie are ready in record time, and she's back begging him to go home, take a shower, and shave. Charlie calls him "Caveman Uncle Steve," and he laughs.

After two trips to two different party cities, Grace is satisfied that she's got all the necessary items for her party and Steve is tasked with creating party favors. He's happy he had decided to stay at Danny's because he needed a break from work, from thinking about Catherine, from Lynn – yep crafting with his niece and nephew was definitely what he needed. He thought about Mary and Joan and decided he would call to check in sometime this week.

When he finally looked at his phone, he saw the message from Danno. He didn't want to get into it with Danny so he responded as concisely as he could and focused on the party favors.

"Uncle Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want me to tell Aunt Catherine not to come? I don't think she will, but if she does, will you be okay?" It touches his heart his niece is so perceptive.

"What? No, of course, tell her to come. I know she's back and how much she means to you. She's ohana. This party is for you."

"Is Lynn coming?"

"Yeah, she is, why?" Steve had been excited when Lynn had received an invitation a few weeks earlier. He knew that Grace like Lynn, but she loved Catherine. It was a measure of progress that Lynn was now invited to some 5-O events.

"I just wanted to know so I could tell Aunt Cath she could bring her boyfriend. I think she'll feel more comfortable with him there and seeing you with someone else won't be as awkward." At least Grace was honest. He wanted to tell her that if Scott showed up with Catherine, he'd kick his ass, but he remembered he was with Lynn.

"That's fine with me." Grace could tell he was lying, but she wanted Aunt Cath there. Maybe seeing her with another man would light a fire under Uncle Steve's butt and he'd realize he was missing out on the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Or maybe they would never get back together and could become friends, but Grace wasn't about to give into that line of thinking. If Uncle Steve and Aunt Catherine couldn't reconcile, her parents were hopeless.

Steve decided to do the adult thing and reach out to Catherine, asking her to come to Grace's party. If Danny, Melissa, and Rachel could be in one room for a few hours, he could handle this party. Grace was only turning 17 once. He was happy she instantly responded she'd come.

Catherine hadn't expected a text from Steve so quickly. She was a little disappointed it was about Grace and not them talking about them, but she let it go. She hadn't decided on going to Grace's party, but Steve's request emboldened her. Thank God she had therapy after work today because she needed to offload all her problems onto her therapist the minute she walked into the session.


	11. Chapter 11

It's Saturday afternoon, and Catherine is anxious; she knows she's seeing Steve tonight. She knows she has to keep her jealousy at bay when she sees Steve and Lynn together. She hadn't been jealous the first time she had met Lynn because she was preoccupied with saving Doris. Now she has no mission, no greater good, to distract her from dealing with her feelings. For now, she willed herself to get through last-minute party details and get ready.

Grace had requested that the closest women in her life get ready for the party. Catherine was pleasantly surprised Lynn and Melissa weren't in that number, but she knew Melissa was not here for Rachel's sake and Lynn was just collateral damage from being friends with Melissa. She exchanged pleasantries with ten of Grace's closest friends, Tani, Renee Grover, Rachel and of course the lady of the hour, her niece.

Catherine had accompanied Grace and Rachel dress shopping so she knew Danny would have a heart attack at how grown up she looked in her sleek red jumpsuit. She looked forward to the moment.

Rachel went all out for Grace's party, Catherine was impressed. Her 17th birthday had been uneventful—her father and brothers were deployed, and her mother didn't like to make a big fuss about birthdays. Rachel had hired a small catering staff to serve the girls mocktails and the women, cocktails. There were makeup artists, hairdressers, and even a photographer capturing all the fun before the real fun.

The Williams women had left no detail untouched, she admired it even though she thought it was a bit over the top. The hair stylist expertly curled and tousled her hair, it was messy and yet controlled. She gave the makeup artist full license to provide her with a sexy smoky eye, a lot of highlights and overlined plump berry pink lips. All these subtle details perfectly complemented her lilac dress and black sandaled heels. Once she was dressed, Catherine gave herself a look in the mirror and thought: not bad for 39, not bad at all. If she was being honest, her entire looked screamed "fuck me." Scott would love it, and maybe Steve could see what he lost.

Catherine felt a bit self-conscious as she rejoined the group until she saw that everyone looked age appropriately amazing. She caught herself taken aback by how beautiful Tani is; she knew Tani wasn't a threat, but still the girl fought alongside Steve daily. Rachel looked terrific and classy in her red cocktail dress. It was sexy in Rachel's own demure way.

Over at Danny's Steve, Lynn, and Melissa came early for a lite dinner before the night's festivities. Steve had accepted that Kame would be there tonight, even if he was still a little peeved. Their dinner was disrupted by the addition of Lou, Will, and Junior who had gone to the barbershop.

"Hey, guys join in on the fun! I'll put some more steaks on the grill." Even at Danny's, Steve was the grill master.

"Yeah, where's the wife Lou? And Junior I thought Tani would be with you." Danny says suggestively.

"Well, the wife and Tani are over at your ex-wife's. Something about a girl's day. She's been gone since 11 this morning." Lou says before lighting his cigar.

"I didn't realize Rachel was throwing a pre-bash before the bash," Danny says slightly annoyed. On the surface, it looked like a classic communication issue between the two exes, but deep down he knew he didn't know because Rachel had effectively stopped speaking to him.

"Ain't that what we're doing here right now?" Lou inquires flippantly.

Danny doesn't respond, and he doesn't see the exchange of looks between Melissa and Lynn annoyed they weren't invited. Steve wonders if Catherine is over at Rachel's if she'll even show to the party. She said she'd be there, but she's lied in the past. He knows what he's thinking is unfair and uncalled for, but the only way to get through tonight was to remind himself why he was mad at her in the first place.

Grace has planned an elaborate entrance. She wants to walk into her party twelve minutes after the start time, just enough time for people to know she's not there, but aware enough to know she's making an entrance. She saw it, My Sweet Sixteen, once and modeled her entry after that party. Her friends will walk out before her, and her mom will accompany her to a specific song the deejay's set to play while announcing her entrance. She wishes Aunt Cath would accompany her, but before she could ask Aunt Cath had left with her boyfriend.

Grace's entrance to the rooftop restaurant went perfectly. Her friends cheered, her ohana whooped, and her boyfriend kissed her deeply in front of the entire party. It took her ten minutes to even realize Aunt Cath wasn't there. She knew she was coming, but it still saddened her.

Steve doesn't even realize he's anxious until he sees Danny texted him to take a deep breath and enjoy the party. The party is on a fantastic rooftop bar, and Ohana has reserved tables because Grace knew they'd be ready to sit. The rest of her guests had to duel it out on the bar's lounge chairs and outside furniture. Steve beckons the waiter for another beer and is surprised when Lynn orders the table shots on his tab. Their table consisted of Melissa, Danny, the Grovers, Steve, and Lynn. The second table was Junior, Tani, Kame, Jerry, and Noelani. Grace's attention to detail was impeccable. On the other side of the bar, there were another two tables where Grace's mother sat alone, looking at her phone. Steve wondered why she wouldn't sit with them until it hit him why she wouldn't be anywhere near Danny and Melissa. He figures Catherine will sit on that side whenever she arrives. Oddly enough he felt like he couldn't take a deep breath or relax until he's laid his eyes on her. Thinking back to their talk, he hopes she will still show. He needs to see her and make sure she's okay after their conversation. The last time he'd seen her, the agony in her expression had broken his heart.

Catherine was in a mood. She was over thirty minutes late to Grace's party. They'd run into traffic picking up her partner, who she thought was Rachel's type and decided to invite. Rachel had texted her nervously about getting to the party which further fueled her anxiety. By the time they'd arrived at the venue she was forty-five minutes late and in need of a few drinks. She was so on edge she felt like she needed a cigarette to calm her nerves.

She told Scott and her partner, Alex to go into the party and find Rachel because she needs to take care of "female issues." Being men, they don't ask for any more details and opt to go in. As they walk in, Steve immediately knows one of them is the man Catherine's dating. They both look like her type, tall, muscular, and no-nonsense. Steve's eyes follow them straight to Rachel's table. He notices the Hawaiian man shake Rachel's hand and the haole gives her a hug; now he knows who's who.

His breath literally stops when she walks into the party. He's never seen her look this good, not even at Kono's wedding. Everything about her look turned him on, the tight dress, the hair, and the heels. She doesn't even look his way as her eyes spot Rachel's table and she walks there. Steve watches in disgust as she kisses the haole; somehow this is worse than her and Billy Harrington, at least he hadn't had to see her with Billy romantically. Grace and Will immediately show up at the table and for fuck's sake when did Grace run to hug any men other than Danny and Steve? He was annoyed with how comfortable, and familiar everyone at Rachel's table seemed. Why hadn't Will made a secret handshake with him? Who the hell was this Scott to have a handshake with his nephew? He willed himself to stop looking over at their table as he caught Grover's knowing look.

Danny wasn't doing any better than Steve. He had been blown away at how beautiful Grace and Rachel looked entering the party. He wondered if he hadn't messed up would he have accompanied Grace and Rachel in the party so that everyone could marvel at what a beautiful family they had. Danny's mood certainly didn't improve after he saw two handsome men approach Rachel's table. Once Catherine arrived and kissed one of the men, he wondered who this other man was. He seemed comfortable with Catherine and Scott and too friendly with Rachel. Danny was thankful Lynn and Melissa had taken a trip up to the bar when Catherine had walked in; it gave him, and he's sure Steve, time to look at Rachel's table and digest what their eyes were viewing.


	12. Chapter 12

Catherine knew Steve was looking, but she didn't have the strength to look his way. She knew the second she saw him her resolve would crumble. If they made eye contact, she would melt. She'd made an internal promise to Grace that she wouldn't cause any scenes with Steve tonight.

This had been her first weekend not on call in months. No fugitives, no WITSEC, no prison transports made Catherine a happy woman. She wanted to let loose all the stress that the job, Steve, and this party had accumulated in her body. She wanted to get buzzed and dance; "enjoy the moment," her therapist had relayed over and over again. And right now, she would be present and happy; dealing with her unresolved feelings for Steve would have to wait for another night.

The table shares a bottle of tequila and a plate of limes, and Catherine's reached a nice buzz. Rachel's downright drunk. This could make things more fun Catherine reasons. She grabs Rachel's hand and pulls her toward the dance floor, she sends a suggestive look to Scott that has both men off their feet instantaneously. She's grateful Steve's on the other side of the room, she thinks better without his eyes on her.

Catherine dances with Rachel, she grinds on Scott and kisses him at the end of the song. It's a kiss that suggests more is to come. Her shoes were definitely not meant to dance in. They were the type of shoes a woman buys when she wants her man to take one look at her and know what's about to come next. Fuck me shoes, she thinks. She leaves the dancefloor after a few songs and goes to the bar closest to where 5-O is sitting. She knows she had to wait until she was good and drunk before she went anywhere near 5-O just so that her anxiety wouldn't be at 10. She downs her shot and grabs her cocktail before she saunters up to 5-O's table.

Steve can hardly breathe as he watches her walk towards them. Her strut is sexy and slow, she has to know what this is doing to him. He'd been annoyed he couldn't see her dancing, but boom she pops up at the bar, and he's been sneaking looks ever since. He knows she leaned over the bar so he could see her ass. He wants to wipe that smug grin off her face that he knows is for him, even if she's not looking at him. When she stops at Junior's table and says her hellos, he wants nothing more than to come behind her and take her right there on the table; she'd like that he knows. It's ridiculous how traitorous his body is when she's around; his mind is screaming be mad, and his body is telling him the complete opposite.

Once she's made it to his table, his mind is in overdrive. She's wearing her favorite, expensive perfume, the one she'd wear the first night of shore leave when they always conveniently missed dinner. He's amazed he can even smell it with her being at the other end of the table. Steve's tired of her playing games. He pulls Lynn in closer and kisses her head to distract himself.

She starts with speaking to Renee and Lou, which means he'll be the last person she talks to before she's walking off back to …Scott. By the time she's said hello to Danny and Melissa, Scott's by her side, wrapping his arm around her waist, his hand rests dangerously close to her panty line, a detail that irritates the hell out of Steve. He needs a shot.

When she introduces Steve as her old friend from the Navy, his heart clenches. Sure, she mentions she worked with him at 5-O briefly, but he feels like he's been punched in the stomach. How could she diminish all that they were, by saying he was an old friend? Before he can think about it, he's up and reaching for Scott's hand. His handshake is firm, but Steve's is firmer. Steve beckons Lynn to stand, and he introduces Lynn to Scott and his old friend, Catherine. He throws in a "honey, you remember my friend, Catherine, right?" for good measure. Steve knows Catherine and Lynn know who the other is, but if all he is to Catherine is an old friend, then he's gonna throw it back in her face. He knows he's being childish and petty, but Catherine wasn't fighting fair.

"So, Scott, it's Scott, right?" Steve asks with mock sincerity. Scott nods his head affirmatively, and so Steve continues, "Right so are you also in law enforcement?" Steve's wearing his best fake interested grin, he knows Catherine sees right through it and that Lynn's irritated she has to be present for this pissing contest.

"No Steve I'm not. There's only room for one Marshal in this relationship. I work in finance, tech futures specifically." Scott might not know why Steve's sizing him up, but he knows his way around a pissing contest.

"Oh. I mean that's cool, I was never into math myself. I'm more the physical type myself you know, Naval Academy, SEAL, 5-O."

"Babe, Steve's opening a restaurant; Italian in Chinatown." Catherine's tired of Steve's interrogation.

"Whoa in this economy? Good luck with that bro. I mean it, I hope you have success." Scott wants to tell him the statistics of restaurants, but something tells him Steve wouldn't appreciate it. And had he said that, he would not have appreciated Steve breaking his jaw, which is exactly what Steve would have done.

"Thanks." He says tersely.

"Well we should get back, or Rachel will start calling," Catherine says to Scott in a whisper tone which causes him to have to bend his ear so that it's almost touching Catherine's lips. As she says goodbye she leads Scott away. Steve wants to beat this guy's ass so bad it hurts. He's thankful after he's sat down Danny asks if Steve will help him get Grace's big surprise ready.

Grace was right about adults going through the motions, pretending everything was okay, but she just didn't know how hard it was.

Danny's big surprise is a car. It's a 2019 Toyota Camry, sensible, sleek, and most importantly, safe. Grace had mentioned a car since she got her permit, she'd been making good grades, helped with Charlie, and she deserved the vehicle. Even if she hadn't, Danno wasn't about to say no to his baby girl. He had one year until she went off to college and he wanted that year to go smoothly.

Danny didn't need Steve to pull off grabbing the envelope with the key and driving the car with its big, shiny red bow to the valet's spot, but he knows Steve needs the break. He knows how impulsive Steve is and how Catherine only multiplies his impulsivity.

"You good babe?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna try that again Steven, but with this time, conviction?"

"I am fine Daniel. Obviously seeing her with another man bothered me, but it is what it is."

"Well don't worry about her. Lynn looks amazing tonight. Melissa said she specifically chose blue because she knows with you being a fish-head you'd love her in the dress."

"A what?"

"Fish-head. Because you were in the Navy and you like water so much." Danny quips as if that were evident.

"Fish-head isn't a thing."

"I give up. You win." Danny admits to defeat because he knows it'll make his partner smile and it does.

While Danny's talking to the valet, Steve whips out his phone and sends a text. A risky text, but he doesn't care. She responds instantly.

SM: Not a vet? Doesn't sound like your type.

CR: Well blonds aren't yours so here we are.

SM: You don't know anything about me.

CR: I know you wanted to fuck me the second you saw me, but ok.

Catherine doesn't know why she says it; in the morning she'll chalk it up to the five shots of tequila and three cocktails she's downed. She'll apologize tomorrow, but right now she was hurt he said she didn't know him because she knows him inside and out.

SM: If you're writing me like this, he must not be satisfying you.

CR: And what would you know about me being satisfied? Old friend.

SM: I know what you like, how you like it, and what to do for starters.

CR: You knew. Things change.

SM: That's not what you said the other night. Begging me to stop before you cheated on Mr. Math.

CR: I asked. Just like you're asking to get punched in the face.

SM: If you wanna fight, let's fight.

CR: Only if you promise to fight dirty. Fighting fair is no fun.

SM: I think you know I like to get my hands dirty.

CR: I know another place you want your hands…

Steve doesn't even realize Danny's calling him until Danny literally opens the car door and forces him up. He still in a daze from his texts with Catherine. He shoves his phone in his pocket, so Danny doesn't realize why he's so engrossed in his phone.


	13. Chapter 13

Catherine feels like she's gonna be sick. Had she gone too far when she said: "I know another place you want your hands?" Why hadn't Steve responded to her text? Was he busy with Danny? She'd noticed the two were gone once she'd reached her seat and that had been over ten minutes ago. Her heart flutters when she sees Steve's responded.

SM: You sure you up for that type of ride? You were acting soft in the jungle.

CR: Mhm, who climbed a tree to grab coconuts and save your thirsty ass?

SM: Why are you thinking about my ass?

CR: Kiss mine.

SM: You wish.

CR: You want to though.

SM: Nope. Never been that big of an ass man.

CR: Then why have you been staring at mine all night?

CR: Oh, no response? Cat got your tongue?

SM: I was in an elevator. Why are you thinking about my tongue? Anything you need it for? You know how well it works.

CR: Dream on, Sailor.

SM: Oh, I plan to.

Catherine knows she needs to stop before this harmless teasing becomes full on sexting. She won't do that to Scott or to Lynn. She looks up to Scott having a blast on the dance floor and gives him a little wave. Catherine knows she should order a glass of water so she can cool the heat she's feeling, especially between her thighs. Steve's always had that effect.

After everyone's sang happy birthday to the birthday girl, Danny grabs the mic and announces that there's one last surprise for Grace and everyone should head downstairs. Rachel and Danny both kept an anxious Grace behind as guests began moving downstairs, they're thankful the hotel bar has access to six elevators. For one second the moment is perfect, it's like old times, Rachel, Danny and their Gracie. Then Rachel realizes she's smiling too much at her ex-husband and not minding his hand on her waist as they pose for a family photo.

The Williamses are one of the last partygoers to head downstairs, and the anticipation is building. Her father puts a blindfold on her in the elevator, and she grabs both parents by the hand as they guide her through the lobby. 5-O is handling crowd control and the seas part for Danny and Rachel to guide Grace to the front. He removes her blindfold, and she sees the car with a big red bow. Her car! It's so pretty, she hugs her parents, kisses Will, and gets into the car. She wants to drive off in it, but there's a note on the steering wheel from her parents to absolutely not move the car with so many people about, they want no accidents on her first night with a car.

Danny sees Rachel's tears and grabs her waist pulling her close. Her face is in the crook of his neck as they watch their baby run in, out, and around the car. Her friends are surrounding her, getting inside the Toyota, and snapchatting the moment. He rubs Rachel's back and waits for Grace to run over and hug them. At this moment everything in his world is perfect.

As they take the elevator up, he whispers in her ear, "let's do this again; we make the best kids in the entire world." He notices her shiver as he whispers, but at the moment he's completely serious, he'd love another baby with Rachel. It seemed like he blinked and Grace was a young woman. Rachel leans into him and kills their moment, "you sure your girlfriend won't mind? I don't think she'd appreciate us creating a new life."

Grace's party has effectively ended, and she's begged her parents to let her hang out downtown a little longer with her closest friends. They remind her curfew is midnight, and she fights for two; they compromise at one am with Grace sharing her location with both of them from 12:15 on.

Steve can tell Melissa is upset with Danny. He had seen her irritation at Danny hugging and whispering in Rachel's ear. It was hardly surprising that watching Danny cuddle with his ex-wife had hurt her. The table had settled back down for a nightcap since the bar was still running and once Melissa saw Danny walk in hand and hand with Rachel and Grace, she had excused herself to the bathroom. Lynn went after her.

As regular patrons began entering the rooftop bar, Steve spots Catherine, she's walking behind Scott and his partner looking at her phone. He's surprised to see she's texted him, "you like what you see?" Before he's had time to text her back, Scott pulls her into an embrace for a picture, and his hand is literally cupping her ass. Steve's had enough. He gets up from his chair and beelines it towards her, only stalled by Danny's firm hand on his shoulder.

"Babe what are you doing? Where's your head? Stop it. Lynn will see, come on, you've had too much to drink. Don't ruin a good night. Please, I'm begging you. Steven, you will regret anything you do tonight, tomorrow in the light of day, ok? Trust me." But Danny's words fall on deaf ears, he needs to talk to her. He needed time before, but now time has run out. He shrugs Danny off, and he walks to where she's promptly seated. He mumbles to her that he needs to talk to her about Danny and doesn't wait to see if she follows him out of the bar, he knows she will.

He's pissed, drunk, and jealous. It doesn't help that they're in an elevator with a few other people and they can't talk. Catherine's drunk too, but she's not mad, "she's enjoying the moment." As more people come into the elevator, she squishes herself into Steve to make room, or at least that's what she tells herself. When Steve realizes that she did that purposefully his body betrays him. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe he's tired of their games tonight, but he knows he needs her.

When she keeps backing up, and he's pressed against the back of the elevator, he realizes she's still teasing him. Two can play that game. Instantly he's brushing the hair to one side of her head and tracing her the bone down her neck to her shoulder. He can feel her shiver at his touch, and so he goes in for the kill. He starts peppering her neck with light kisses. There must be some sort of convention going on because with each floor they descend the doors open, the person realizes the elevators full, and it happens again and again. Seeing that they have ten more stories to go, he travels up and starts nibbling on her ear. He knows she's biting down on her lip to keep from moaning. As the elevator reaches the fourth floor, he kisses her neck in a way he knew drove her crazy. There's gonna be a mark there tomorrow, but right now neither of them care. She grinds on him in protest, if he doesn't stop right now, she's gonna make him get a hotel room to finish what he started.


	14. Chapter 14

When the elevator opens to the lobby, he pulls her close to him protectively. He never wants to let her go, nothing felt as good as being with her. She reaches behind and grabs his dick, giving it a squeeze. She slow struts out of the elevator and throws him a look that makes him lose his mind. Why does she drive him so crazy? It's ridiculous at his big age that he should be so irrational and so infatuated with her, but here he is, and he's been that way since the first time they met.

"You said you wanted to talk, should we find someplace private?" It comes off in a seductive purr. Catherine's not done with him yet. But before he can respond, his phone rings and he automatically picks it up.

"McGarrett."

"Steve, where are you? I just got back from the bathroom. I miss you." Lynn says seductively. Steve's thrown off guard, he hadn't checked who was calling figuring it was either a case or Danny. He blinks rapidly and takes a look at a curious Catherine.

"I'm downstairs babe, I'll be up in a few. Miss you too." As soon as he says it he sees the pain in Catherine's eyes. She brushes past him and stalks to an elevator slamming her hand into the up button. Steve hangs up the phone and runs to Catherine as she boards the elevator. Her sadness has turned into rage as she wrestles his hand off her arm. "Cath…"

"Take another elevator. We're done." She sneers, and he lets her go. He needs to collect himself before he goes back up to the rooftop.

Steve rides up an elevator alone, bracing himself for whatever may come next. By the time he's found his license and is admitted back into the bar, the place is in full swing, and there's no sign of Catherine or Scott, Rachel, and Scott's friend for that matter. He's barely interested in whatever Lynn, Melissa, and Danny are talking about. His world is spinning, now that the fire between them had been reignited, he wouldn't be satisfied until he's shown her how much he's missed and loves her.

Danny's disgusted with Steve; he knows something went down between Steve and Catherine. He noticed how Steve had been distracted while readying the car, how he stared at Catherine when Lynn wasn't there, and the mess of emotions on his face when he came back to the table; Danny knows that anguished look. Now he thinks he understands, Catherine may be sadistic, hurting Steve over and over, but Steve loves the pain. He's an addict, and she's his drug of choice. And Danny knows an addict will only get better when they decide they want to get better; Steve did not want to get better.

Steve steals a glance at his phone. Nothing. He wants to text her and apologize, but what they were about to do had been wrong. In a way, Lynn had saved them from fucking up their relationship more. He didn't want to betray Lynn and knew Catherine wasn't a cheater, but it had been so hard. He knows he shouldn't have texted her earlier in the night, but he just wanted to be acknowledged by her. He didn't like being ignored or left out, which is precisely how he felt about finding out her being on the island for a year. He hated being left out because secretly he was always alone, the little boy whose parents didn't want him had turned into the man whose woman didn't want him. He wasn't enough for her to stay and that kills him inside, but now that she's here, what did it mean? Should they take a second chance?

SM: Let me prove how sorry I am to you.

CR: No need. I'm fine.

SM: I'm not fine. Let's talk. Tomorrow, come over.

CR: Absolutely not. We tried talking, didn't work out well. We aren't cheaters and look what happened in a room full of strangers.

SM: It was the alcohol.

CR: Sure.

SM: Let's talk, please. What if I came with you to the doctor?

CR: What?

SM: The therapist. Let's try therapy. I want to have a relationship with you, even if it's platonic.

CR: Are you serious? This isn't funny. I take therapy very seriously. We aren't a couple, friends don't do therapy sessions.

SM: I'm being serious. What did you say the other night—that therapy would benefit me, well I wanna try it.

SM: Also, therapists see friends. Danny and I go sometimes.

CR: I'll think about it. If we do this, a big if, you're paying and I get to choose the therapist.

SM: Fine w me.

Steve misses the daggers Danny and Lynn are both throwing his way. He gives a substantial effort to engage in conversation and puts his phone away. He kisses Lynn's head and lets her nuzzle into him. He whispers sweet nothings in her ear, and after 15 minutes of showing he's sorry, she's over it. Catherine would never be so forgiving, though he would have never acted so disrespectful to her. When he catches Lynn's phone he sees its well past one in the morning; the club is gonna kick them out soon enough. Danny suggests that Melissa drive his Camaro back to his house and Lynn drive the Silverado; Steve and Danny will check out how Grace's car runs. He adds, for good measure, that Steve's too drunk to drive. Steve wants to argue, but he knows he's actually pretty drunk still and that Danny's full of shit. Danny wants to rip Steve's head off, it's evident to Steve and probably everyone else at the table.

As they leave, Steve's super touchy-feely on Lynn to make up for being neglectful. It's not his style, and if Lynn knew him better, she'd see this show was more for him than for her. He wants to ride home with Lynn, have pity sex, and then for her to leave. But Danny's spoken, and Steve's not in the mood for one of his partner's moods.

The second Lynn and Melissa get off the elevator and head to their level in the garage, Danny grabs Steve by the arm and stares. Steve's not about to put up with Danny's bullshit, so he stares aimlessly at the elevator ceiling.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Steve?"

"What?"

"Steven, how many times did Doris drop you on your head? Are you fucking dumb?" Danny's furious with Steve.

"No Danny I'm not. Wanna tell me what's on your mind instead of insulting me?" Danny doesn't say anything, and there's a tense silence until they've gotten to the car.

"What does she have that Lynn doesn't? What does she do in the bedroom that keeps you shackled to her? What is there to love about her?" Now Steve's pissed.

"Danny we aren't talking about this. Catherine is off limits, I mean it, Danny. I'll fucking lose it, Danny." Steve warns Danny, and he means every word. He can barely deal with Danny's disdain for Catherine sober, but drunk Steve will beat Danny's ass.

They ride in complete silence until Danny pulls up to Steve's. The Silverado's parked and Lynn's car is still there. Great, he thinks. Danny opens his mouth several times before he finally spits his question out.

"Did you sleep with her? Tonight? I never took you for the type to cheat. The Steve McGarrett I know is more honorable than that." Danny's disappointed.

"No Danny we didn't have sex, Danny we didn't even kiss, we just talked. We're gonna try to be friends. I miss Cath as my girl, but I miss her as my friend more. I just want her in my life."

"Friends? I had to restrain you from fighting her boyfriend like four hours ago!"

"That was a mistake, but I was wasted. Please,, Danny, trust me, I know that I have a girlfriend. I just want Catherine to be my friend."

"Literally a day or so ago you called her the love of your life."

"She is, which is why if I have to see her with another man, I'll learn to deal. I can't lose her again Danny. Whatever she needs, I'm going to give her, wherever she goes, I'm gonna follow." Steve says with a conviction Danny's never heard from him.

"What if this is all an elaborate play and she's going to leave again? What if she never left the CIA and had another mission?" Danny just wants Steve to think through things so that he's not as crushed when she inevitably leaves.

"She's not in the CIA anymore. I called Joe and Doris. I called the Honolulu field office, she's a Marshal. But if this was an elaborate play, wherever she goes, I will go with her." He pauses and then continues, "Danny I don't expect you to understand, but I know what I want, and it's her. In any capacity, I can get. I can't explain it, but I love her so much Danny. There are no words to describe how I feel about her."

"You're so whipped it's gross. Get the hell out of my car you schmuck." Danny says jokingly. He wants to clear the air with Steve because he knows how hard this week has been for Steve.

Steve leaves the car and heads inside. He's exhausted, but he doesn't wanna climb into bed with Lynn, he settles for sleeping in Mary's bedroom. He doesn't know how he's gonna power through the 5-O family fun day at his house and dinner. He loves Grace, but he wants to resolve things with Catherine.

****I might make this M unless there is a serious objection. Just a heads up. *****


	15. Chapter 15

It had been almost two weeks of radio silence between Steve and Catherine following the events at Grace's birthday bash. Catherine didn't even consider attending the 5-O dinner, but she did consider texting Steve about 10,000 times between the last time she'd seen him and her latest therapy session. Each time she went to reach out something stopped her; he had Lynn. It was preposterous for her to consider being just friends with Steve; to watch Lynn all over Steve and have to pretend to be cool with them together.

If Catherine was honest, she wanted Steve to break up with Lynn. If Steve dumped Lynn, she'd consider getting back with him. Catherine deserved happiness and plenty of men could make her happy, but none would ever be Steve.

Everything about Lynn bothered Catherine. Lynn's naivete, her normalcy, that blond hair and those ugly ass bangs – it felt like he had picked the complete opposite of her in every aspect and had found happiness. The fact that Lynn knew about the engagement ring before Catherine still hurt. The fact that Steve, Lynn, Melissa, and Danny were this little happy double-dating foursome irked her. When she left Steve, Danny had excommunicated Catherine from the ohana. He was the watchdog making sure Chin and Kono didn't press into Steve and force him into fighting for what he wanted. Catherine wanted to be fought for; each time she left, Steve just let her go. How was it possible he could fight for everybody but her? Catherine knew Steve didn't have to fight for Lynn, she'd be complacent in their relationship, she wasn't his equal the way Catherine had been. Something about that Lynn didn't need fighting for bothered her more than anything else.

"Rollins! Quit daydreaming." Her boss snaps her out of her reverie, and she focuses on catching her suspect. If only she could find more information on this fugitive, she could apprehend him, and then maybe call it an early night. She needed to produce results, but she didn't understand this fugitive. He just seemed really into conspiracy theories and violence. She knew it was inappropriate, but she texted Jerry and asked if he was free. He told her 5-O was out on a case, but they were sure it would be open and shut. For someone as intelligent as Jerry is, he could never merely answer the question asked in the least possible words. She gave Jerry the suspects name, username, and IP address hoping he could find any chatter about her anarchist-conspiracy theorist-violent suspect. Jerry loved a challenge and any excuse to enter the dark web.

Two and half hours later, Jerry's got something, but he needs her to come to headquarters to pick up the documents and view something on the smart computer. Catherine's apprehensive, but she needs a lead. Hopefully, 5-O would be out for lunch celebrating their easy case. She looked at herself and was glad she had to testify in court this morning, her no-nonsense black business suit, white camisole, and Marshal star would communicate that this was hardly a social call. Alex, her partner, doesn't feel like going to 5-O, his stomach hurt or some other bullshit. She calls him a pussy, he just doesn't want to see the ex-husband of the woman he's been sleeping with for the past week, Rachel. For good measure, she pulled her hair back in a high sleek pony.

She takes a deep breath before she enters the offices of 5-O. Everyone seems to be out except Jerry who was rapidly tapping the smart computer. She wills herself not to look in Steve's office, she's on a no Steve diet, even as she approaches Jerry in Steve's workplace.

"Hey, Jer, what do you have?" Catherine attentively listens as he projects the smart computer onto the tv screens and shows her exactly what she should be looking for, what chatrooms the fugitive has frequented, and some other useless information. He's got two file boxes worth of "useful information," and Catherine takes a brief second from the work to watch Jerry. His face is illuminated, he's animated, he truly loves this stuff. It's beautiful to watch, and it will help her earn brownie points with her boss.

"Catherine?" She was so wrapped up in Jerry's spiel she hadn't noticed 5-O entering the office. She takes a breath before she turns around and sees the confused faces of 5-O's field members and Adam.

"Hi! Sorry, I was stumped on a case and wanted to bounce ideas off Jerry. I was actually just about to leave." Catherine wasn't just about to leave, but she couldn't stand Steve's piercing eyes, Danny's annoyed expression, and Lou's awkward smile. She hugs Jerry and hoists one box onto the dolly, Jerry told her to bring. Junior rushes into action and loads the other one, which is actually a big help since they're full of paper and she has three-inch court heels on.

"Thanks."

"No problem ma'am. Always happy to help. Do you need me to wheel these out to your car?"

"I'd appreciate that."

"Yes, ma'am." It's just then she remembers he was also in the Navy.

"Hooyah."

"Hooyah ma'am." He flashes her a bright smile, he always appreciates hearing the familiar Naval cry of support.

When Catherine looks back towards the team she catches Tani looking affectionately at Junior; the three old men are still staring at her, which is definitely her cue.

"Mahalo Jer. I really needed this. You don't know how much you've helped. Lunch on me anytime, anyplace." She means it; Jerry has given her leads which would have taken her days.

"Catherine be careful! This guy's bad. Like really, really bad. Also, you're rolling out some of the US government's most classified secrets." Jerry says, a little too enthusiastically.

She wants to tell Jerry she's capable of handling herself; she hunted terrorists for two years in the CIA, but she knows the CIA is a sore spot for Steve. She nods to Junior to signal him to begin wheeling the dolly to the doors and walks right through 5-O. She doesn't need to fake nice and exchange pleasantries with people who don't like her.

Steve's stunned; he's immobilized, watching her and marveling at her beauty as she talked to Jerry and Junior. He barely recognized she had already explained why she was there and the next thing he knows, she's out of the door. He hadn't expected her to be there to talk to him, they hadn't spoken in eleven very long days, but he wished she'd have acknowledged him beyond a generic hello. Before Danny can start his shit, he's out of the door to catch up to Catherine and Junior.

He reaches them at the carpark and grabs the remaining box from the dolly and loads it into the Corvette. God, he's missed that car. Junior gets the memo and excuses himself, when Steve realizes Junior's out of earshot, he takes a deep breath before taking an even more significant risk.

The wind has blown a piece of her ponytail, and he tucks it back behind her ear. They stare into each other's eyes for what feels like forever. There's so much emotion in her eye, he's drowning in those beautiful browns, he's melting.

"Did you think about it? Therapy?"

"Steve…"

"Cath, please. I want to fix us."

"Steve as long as we are with other people, there can't be an us. I want to fix us too, but I can't be your friend. I can't. I can't watch you with Lynn or anyone else and pretend to be happy for you because I want to be that with you."

"Cath what does that mean?" Steve flies into a venomous rage, he's panicking that she's gonna leave him again and this time for good. If he needs to get on his knees and beg right here in front of the palace, he will. What didn't she understand about him saying he couldn't lose her again? He had stated unequivocally that he needed her in his life.

"What that means Steve is I am asking for you to choose. It's me, or it's not. I want you to fight for me. I don't want you just to let me leave, I want you to fight for me."

"What are you talking about? I've fought for you! I went to Afghanistan and got shot, for you."

"No Steve, you fought alongside me, but you've never fought for me. I left because you were complacent, too comfortable with treating me casually. You couldn't call me your girlfriend, it took you over ten years to tell me you loved me, you let me leave when all I want you to say is 'stay Catherine, we will figure this out.' I want for you to show me I am the most important thing in your life. I need you to put me first, not the job, not the restaurant, not Danny. I was comfortable taking all the risk in our relationship. I sacrificed my Naval career for you time and time again because even though the Navy was my life, you were more important. I need you to choose me and then fight for me. I don't leave you because I don't love you or I want to hurt you, I just come back and realize you're not ready. If you had proposed back then, we wouldn't have worked, we were too emotionally stunted; I need you to let me in, and I need you to forgive me. Do the work, choose me, fight for me and we can fix us." Both of them are crying now, albeit her tears are flowing much faster than his.

"Steve, I can be with Scott, and he will make me happy, but he won't be you. No one will ever be you. I know you told me you couldn't wait for me anymore and you 'moved on,' but I want you to listen to your heart and go for what you want. I hope that's me, but if it isn't, I pray you're happy and fulfilled. Steve, you're my soulmate, and I really wish we could just be together, but we have real problems. If we aren't going to be together, there's no sense in tormenting each other by being in each other's lives and trying to resolve those problems. When you asked me was I happy with what I was doing – I told you the truth, I was happy, but you didn't ask the right question. The right question was am I happier doing that than being home with you. I wanted you to ask me to come home; you're so scared of putting yourself out there emotionally, being vulnerable, that I knew there was nothing to come home to. If we can't have emotional intimacy, I can't be with you."

Catherine's words pierce his soul. She wraps herself in his arms, and all he can do is stand there with his arms around her. He would rather do anything for her than what she's asking. But fuck she's worth it.

"Sailor, I have to go back to work now. I want you to choose me, I want you to fight for me. If you choose me, then we can work on emotional intimacy, but you have to prove to me that I'm really what you want. Not the idea of me in your head, but the actual me. Consider my needs and put me first. I love you so much, you have no idea how much I love you. Prove you love me how I need to be loved." She wiggles out of his tight embrace and wipes a crocodile from his eye. She gives him a chaste kiss and walks around to the driver's side. It kills her to walk away, but she knows that she needed to do this; the ball is in his court.

Fuck, he thinks. He hates ultimatums, and she's given him the biggest one of his life. Fuck he wishes his father was still alive, he needs John McGarrett's help, guidance, courage. He returns to the office and drowns himself in his work, it's his refuge when he can't deal with life. He knows his team is watching him closely, trying to gauge his mood, and he refuses to bring his personal problems into the workplace. When they catch a case, he's relieved, he needs the action.

Danny doesn't say a word as Steve chaotically navigates the Honolulu streets. Steve turns the radio on to relieve the awkward tension. Steve and Danny haven't been right since Catherine's reappearance in Steve's life. Steve thinks back to Grace's words and realizes there's no way he's seeking Danny's opinion on Catherine's ultimatum; Danny lives in fear, and he's not about to counsel Steve into taking a risk. Matter of fact, it was Gracie who had said, he needed to take a risk. Damn that girl was smart.

After inspecting the crime scene, Steve beckons Lou over when he's sure Danny isn't paying attention. He asks Lou if they could go out for dinner, just the two of them. The SWAT captain was looking forward to soaking his feet, listening to some Al Green, and smoking a cigar, but his friend needed him. Lou's surprised that Steve is letting him pick the place and treating him; this would be a DEFCON level 5 as Jerry would say.


	16. Chapter 16

Lou and Steve meet at Lou's favorite hole in the wall barbecue spot. Lou would have preferred making Steve really lay out that wallet and spend some real money on dinner, but he knows Steve wants to talk and this place is the perfect eatery to talk, drink, and have comfort food.

It takes two beers and a pulled pork sandwich before Steve's ready to talk.

"She gave me an ultimatum."

"Catherine?" Lou knows the unnamed she is about Catherine or else he wouldn't be here, but just to humor Steve, he'll feign a bit of ignorance.

"Yeah. She told me to choose her, to fight for her, or she won't be in my life. She won't even be friends with me if I don't choose her. I either prove that I will love her the way she wants to be loved or I lose her forever."

Lou carefully reviews his next words in his head; he knows whatever he says is crucial.

"What do you want Steve?"

"Her."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I'm scared. If I try one more time and it falls through, it will kill me. Every time I think I have no more heart left, she comes and rips it out. She wants me to be vulnerable with her, but she's one of the hardest people for me to be vulnerable with, you know in words because she's the only one who can hurt me. If she had asked me to quit my job and move to Indiana, that'd be easier than what she's asking me."

"When you think of your life, are you satisfied? Can you live happily knowing she's out there without you?"

Steve isn't sure how to answer those questions. The answer is no, but his pride and his fear refuse to be truthful.

"Mhm I thought not; Steve let me tell you this, if she's the one, the best thing in your life, your queen, then you fight for her. If you know without a shadow of a doubt, she has your heart, and she's going to take care of that heart, then you gotta man up and win her back. I wasn't sure if I was ready when Renee gave me an ultimatum, but she left me for three weeks, and brotha was I miserable. I knew I never wanted to feel like that again, so I got my shit together and got her back. Samantha came right after that, and I've never looked back. It's rare in this shitty life you find the person who completes you, when you find that person, you keep them." Lou lets the weight of his words sink in. He doesn't know if this is the right move for Steve, but he knows he'll be behind him every step of the way.

"So, you're saying, just so I'm clear: choose her and fight for her? I don't want to lose what I have with Lynn and not win Catherine back; then I'll be alone."

"If you do what she's asking, you won't end up alone. And if it doesn't pan out, you're Steve McGarrett, you'll only be single for as long as you want to be single." Steve chuckles at that.

Steve whips out his phone and texts her. She doesn't text back immediately, but when she does, he almost chokes on his third beer.

SM: I want to choose you. I'm scared, but I love you.

CR: An image.

CR: Something to help you make your decision.

Catherine sends him a sexy photo she had Rachel take of her lying on her stomach in bed, in a lacy black thong and no top. Steve can make out her breasts, breasts he's longed to have in his mouth for ages. The picture is fucking beautiful, but who the fuck took the shot? He doesn't want Scott's sexy sloppy seconds. It's almost as if she can read his mind and texts him telling him Rachel is taking a sexy photo shoot for her that he might be able to look at if he's a good boy.

He wants to leave dinner and go fuck her senseless. He wants to have her begging him to stay with her. He's happy Lou's got up to use the restroom because it provides him a minute to figure out how to tease her.

SM: Did Scott like that mark on your neck?

CR: So, you did leave that on purpose. Bad boy. I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.

CR: Maybe Lynn can watch and jot down some notes. If she needs any pointers on how to fuck the shit out of you, let me know. I know about a thousand ways off the top of my head.

SM: I like marking what's mine. Well, send me Scott's number because a chaste kiss on your neck should have you pining for me the way you did.

CR: Who says I'm yours?

SM: Do I need to remind you of your behavior in that elevator Lt. Rollins?

CR: Oh, Commander I was on my best behavior. A good girl through and through.

SM: I beg to differ.

CR: You haven't seen begging. I let you off easy. If I weren't so sweet we would have been arrested for indecent exposure, I walked away. I knew how bad you wanted me, I felt it. Remember?

Steve turns his body and looks up to the bathroom to see where Lou is and when he swivels around Lou's sitting there grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"So, this is the goofy smile Danny's always ranting about huh? McGarrett go get your girl. But break up with the other one first will ya, I know Catherine doesn't want to be a homewrecker." For the first time, he thinks earnestly about Lynn. They settle the check and Steve weighs his options.

SM: How'd your boyfriend feel about you wanting another man? Your "old friend?"

CR: He loved it as much as Lynn liked those bite marks on my neck.

Catherine's lying; she'd broken things off with Scott the night after the party. He was upset, but he understood that she needed time to figure things out. They had been casually dating for about a year, but she knew neither of them expected anything long term. It had been fun while it lasted, but it wasn't enough to settle down. She didn't want Steve to know they'd broken up though. He needed to make the decision to break up with Lynn independently of her actions.

SM: You're grumpy tonight. I can give you something better than the elevator.

CR: I am grumpy, but it's nothing my fingers can't fix.

SM: Why masturbate when I'm right here? Send me your address.

She doesn't respond, so he calls her. He has to pull his truck over when he hears her moaning. He listens patiently until he can hear as the orgasm rolls through her and that whimper sets him off. He grabs his dick and works all of his stress into the paper towels he keeps in the glove compartment. He knew he would bust quick, but damn even her sounds sped him up. When she comes to from her second climax, she's screaming his name and ordering him to get inside her. A third orgasm, she's showing off. She purrs breathily into the phone, "fuck Steve. You made me make a mess, I need to change my sheets." And then she hangs up. Steve doesn't know what the fuck just happened except that it was amazing, unexpected, and he needs her. It takes a second before he realizes there's nothing he can do; she never told him where she lived. His phone chimes.

CR: When's the last time Lynn did that?


	17. Chapter 17

Catherine Rollins wakes up sore, but satisfied. She's not in the mood for a run before work, so she stays in bed an extra hour snuggling with her cat. In the light of day, she's apologetic for responding to Steve's message and letting him goad her into another round of teasing. She's especially sorry for answering the phone while masturbating; she knew what that would do to him. She crossed the line, and so did he, but she needed to hear all the "fuck Cath, shit, come for me Cath, you're so sexy, God you're so hot Cath" from him to really get off. Steve and Catherine had perfected their phone sex routines during all those years of being deployed across the world from one another. Last night they hadn't missed a beat. Catherine should be happy about that, but it worried her, they were so good at avoiding talking and showing their feelings in their actions, but silent expectations breed resentment and contempt, she knows that all too well.

Catherine wants to berate herself that she's being the other woman, she's always vowed not to be that type of woman, and if she has to block Steve's number to not fall into temptation, she will. She wants him to choose her, but she's not sure he will, that hurts. It's too early for a drink, but she rolls a joint and smokes half of it. Not to be high on a work day, but just to take the edge off. One of the things Catherine's missed out on during all of her years of patriotic service is a proper drug phase; sativa was enough to give her pause about working a job where she'd be unable to use marijuana. Technically, as a Marshal, she had no business regularly smoking weed, but as long as she kept her smoking in check, there'd never been an issue.

When she sees Steve's texted her "round 2?" she ignores the message. Of course, she wants nothing more than for Steve to call her and whisper all the things he wanted to do to her and where, but she needed to do the adult thing and stop this before it got out of control. Once she's up and dressed she texts him "wrong number, think you meant to text your girlfriend." She purposefully waited until she knew he'd be taking his morning swim to respond, she doesn't want an instant "don't be like that" because she doesn't want to be like 'that' – but it's for the best.

The morning moves slow as molasses, and she's bored at work, hungry for Steve's presence. She's craving his presence which she shouldn't be, but what the hell. She calls him, and the phone goes to voicemail. She sends him a text that's discreet, but an olive branch.

CR: Doctor's at two? Take off from 13:30-14:00. I'll send the address.

SM: I thought friends didn't see Doctors. Well, I guess we aren't friends.

CR: Are you coming or not? I'm trying to work with you.

SM: I'll be there. I'm on a case so I'll try my best. If I don't, I'll reimburse you.

CR: Never mind. I'll cancel.

SM: Why? I just said I'll try to be there, Cath you know the job.

CR: Yeah, I do know the job, but if I can stop tracking Hawaii's most wanted criminals for an afternoon to work out our issues, I figured you'd be able to too. Honestly, it's okay.

SM: No, it's not. I'll be there, short of nuclear war.

CR: Ok. See you soon. Aloha.

Steve knows its rude that he's backed up from the table to look at his phone, he knows it's even more insulting when he enters his office ready to call her because she wanted to cancel. He knows she went out on a limb to invite him to therapy, he asked her to do it first, but he was caught off guard with the request. Catherine was always like a sudden storm: ferocious, all-consuming, and unexpected. Being out of sync with her for the past three years had his head spinning; he could never figure out her angle or reasoning, but he wasn't about to miss his chance.

Lynn had asked if he wanted to grab lunch, or she could come to the office, but he hadn't even considered saying yes. He didn't like bringing Lynn in the office, it felt too personal for his casual relationship with her. He wanted lunch, but he needed to get his mind right for therapy. He sees Cath's emailed him the address and a series of forms. He goes straight to his computer and prints them out, putting them into a manila folder in the locked drawer of his desk. It's only eleven, but he's buzzing. They're really about to go to therapy. He returns to the smart computer and coughs an apology. No one really cares except Danny, but he'll deal with Danny later. They're going to investigate some leads, but Steve tells them to all go ahead, he has something to handle in the office. He returns to his desk and completes all the paperwork; this therapist is too thorough, he's hesitant to give out so much information, but he knows this to gain a better understanding of treatment. Steve calls the Governor to talk over some budgetary issues that needed settling, checks on Joe White and decides a powernap on his couch will prep him for the afternoon. He locks up the manila folder and hops onto his couch, his alarm is set for 12:30, he needs that extra hour that he lost last night tossing and turning over Catherine.

When Danny and the rest of the team return to the office, it's past 1 pm, and Jerry sends a finger to his lips to indicate to be quiet. Jerry points to a snoring Steve sprawled out on his office sofa. He looks peaceful, so the team decides to let him rest; they'll wake him up at 2 to see if he wants lunch.

At 13:50 he's startled awake by his phone, Catherine's called him twice, fuck. He texts her quickly saying he'd been stuck in traffic, but was on the way, that this was important to him. He rushes to grab his manila folder, his wallet, and gun so that he can run out of the door. He sees his team is back and shit he hadn't meant to sleep that long, but he was so fucking tired today. His watch says 13:53 and he knows Catherine's gonna kill him, he doesn't have time to explain to his team where he's going. He feels terrible because he had meant to wake up earlier, tell them he had a doctor's appointment, and get caught up on the case, but there's no time. He hastily paces out of the door and uses his police sirens to get to the office. It's 14:08 by the time he's walked into the office and he sees a red-eyed Catherine sitting on a loveseat farthest away from the door. He hands the receptionist all the information needed and goes over to her. She's fucking livid, and he can feel the heat radiating off of her.

"Cath, I'm sorry. I was late, but I am here. Catherine, I'm here ok." He grabs her hand and caresses it ever so softly like she'll be able to tell his sincerity through the gentleness of his touch. She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't move her hand away. He intertwines their hands and takes his free hand to cusp her face.

She won't meet his gaze, so he leans in and whispers in her ear, "I'm here. I love you. I'm sorry I was late, I'm sorry you thought I wasn't showing because, in reality, I was breaking every traffic rule to get here. Because I want to be here with you. Cath don't be mad. Please." That please sets her off, why is everything so emotional with him? Why couldn't she get over this? He was here, holding her hand, whispering in her ear what she needed to hear. Tears roll down her face, and she's embarrassed, but none of the other patients are even looking their way. When Steve wipes her tears and kisses her forehead, she throws her head in his neck and cries, he instinctively scoops her legs into his lap and tightens his arms around her. Where is the g*ddamn doctor? It's almost 14:20. She can feel his chest tightening and knows he's getting emotional too. Maybe she'll blame this on pms in the session later, but for right now she's just trying to gain her composure.

The doctor can't apologize enough for his lateness; a patient had a medical emergency. He leads them into a quaint, dim office. There's a couch that they both sit on, but at opposite ends. It's like they're completely different people than the ones who embraced in the waiting room. Steve gives the doctor a brief once-over, he's an older Asian man with a severe face and no-nonsense body language.

"So, who wants to start first?" Dr. Lee asks, neither speaks. This isn't an uncommon experience in talk therapy, he decides to ask another question.

"How long have you been together?"

"We uh…aren't together." Steve mumbles, it pains him even to say this out loud.

"So, what's the relationship? You both are aware that I am a couple's counselor correct?"

"We were both in the Navy, we were friends with benefits for more than ten years, together on shore leave, and communicating when we weren't. A few years ago, we both left the Navy, him first, we tried to date, I kept things from him, and we broke up, subsequently reconciled. When I left the Navy, I lost someone really close to me. I was depressed, anxious, and restless, I left to make a difference in people's lives, I got recruited for a classified mission with a classified agency, and I worked there. I didn't come home often. Last year I decided to retire, and I moved back to Hawaii, I didn't tell him. When he found out he was upset, we've been talking though and want to work on being friends." Catherine states flatly; Steve wants to butt in that there's so much more to the story, but he settles knowing there are 55 more minutes of the session anyway.

"Ok. Steven, do you agree with Catherine's synopsis of your relationship?"

"Yes and no. I mean that's what happened, but there were a lot more feelings than how she told our story. I was going to propose to her, and she left, and she lied to me about where she was, which as a military man myself I knew why she did it, but it broke my trust. So, I guess yes that's what happened, but through all that, I still love her and want her in my life, but I don't trust her. She's lied to me twice, and that's one more time than I'll ever allow anyone in my life. We're here because we miss each other and we want to be a part of each other's lives, she wants me to leave my girlfriend and woo her, fight for her, and then maybe we can be together. I want to be together, but I don't trust her, so I'm apprehensive." Well shit, he's really laid it out there. He sees out of his periphery that she bristles at him saying he doesn't trust her.

"Catherine, what's your take on what Steven's shared?"

Catherine's silent, searching for the words to say all she's feeling. She feels like quitting, actually stabbing Steve because that's not fair, but it is fair. If she were Steve, she'd be untrusting too. She's so tired of saying the same thing over and over again. How many times can she apologize? How long is he gonna hold this over her head? Why is she doing all this for them just to be friends? She notices both the therapist and Steve are staring at her expectantly.

"I understand that Steve doesn't trust me. I broke his trust, I left him, and I hurt him in the one way, that crushes Steve's spirit. I know he felt deceived, abandoned, and unwanted. I am sorry for that, but I feel like he's mad at his mother, his former CO, certain government organizations, and me, but that only gets taken out on me. I take the fall for a lot of other people's bad decisions. He's forgiven them, but not me; that hurts, but it is what it is." She takes a deep breath and dabs her eye with the tissue from the tissue box the therapist has provided her.

"I joined the Navy because I love my country and I loved serving my country. I grew up Navy, so that's all I knew. More than that, the Navy provided me with the feeling of being needed and that I could make a difference in people's lives. When I left the Navy, I was lost; I didn't have an easy transition into civilian life, and I didn't feel supported. Some horrible things happened at my first job out of the Navy, and I felt like life was spiraling out of control. I needed to prove that I could give good intel again and that people wouldn't die on missions with me. I worked with Steve briefly, but it felt like I was in his world. I was his employee, his girlfriend, his friends were my friends because they loved Steve and Steve cared about me. I just wanted Steve to let me in, tell me how much he loved me, needed me, wanted me. When I got recruited I told him to move on, he later told me he couldn't wait for me and I understood. The next few times I saw him I was aware he's with someone else, moving on, but I wish he'd choose me. I love him so much, but we don't have the tools to love each other the way we need to love the other. I don't like breaking his heart despite what people think, I just want something different from him, I need to be told and shown I'm important to him. He shows me in actions, but I need words, gestures, affirmation or I get anxious and want to leave." God, she felt like she needed water, it seemed she had been speaking for hours.

"Steven do you have a response to that?" No, he doesn't. He's adept at hiding behind a façade of confidence and bravery, but deep down he feels like she's peeled back all his layers to his wounded inner child.

"Doc, I hear her, and I understand what she's saying, but I feel like I'm paralyzed by fear. She's right that I take out a lot of my anger on her that should be for other people, but keeping her at a distance seems like it will hurt less when she leaves again."

"Does it?"

"No, sir."

Dr. Lee writes something down on his legal pad. Catherine's looking aimlessly out of the window and Steve's fumbling with his hands. They're about halfway through the therapy session, and Steve's not about to waste this 50 bucks; he hates paying for things.

"We had phone sex last night." He states matter of factly as if commenting on the weather.

"How was it? Were both of you satisfied? How do you feel about it? Are you all preparing to tell your significant others about your infidelity?" Ouch. That word makes Steve's stomach flip. Why the fuck did he have to put that out there, what was wrong with him? He winces and starts talking.

"It was good. That's a problem for us, the sex is amazing – like it makes us both a little crazy, I think. Sex is how we resolve things, how we speak about things, we are much better at sex than talking. The phone call left me wanting more, but it was definitely better than physically cheating, I don't think we could stop if we started again…you know sleeping together." Steve doesn't know if she agrees, but he needs to know her thoughts. His eyes bore into her as he waits for her side of the story.

"We've been texting a few times suggestively after an incident in an elevator where we were both drunk and jealous of seeing each other with other people. The phone sex was after a night of teasing; I feel bad about it. I don't want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me which is why I don't know what to do. I want him in my life, but if I can't be with him, I can't watch him with someone else, it literally pains me. Especially because I know that if I say yes, we will sleep together and that will make things worse. I don't want to be the other woman."

"I don't want to be the other man," Steve says heatedly. "I want to be the only man. I want to be your man. I wanted you to be my fucking wife, Catherine! When I think about having kids, you're their mother. When I dream about my life, you're my wife. I was gonna propose Catherine." He's yelling at this point, he doesn't know why he's so mad.

"Yeah, but you didn't! How the fuck was I supposed to know you had that ring in your pocket. You didn't have the balls to tell me, I had to hear it from your fucking girlfriend, Steven!" She's heated too.

The therapist tells both of them to be quiet; she feels like they are in grade school again, sitting in front of the principal. Dr. Lee gives them a few minutes to gain their composure, and then he faces her.

"Catherine did you know Steve felt like this? That he wanted to be with you and envisioned a future with you." She nods yes and dabs at her eyes again. Steve's sick she's crying; she's cried more dealing with him the last couple weeks than he'd seen her cry in ten years of being with him. Steve's so fucking sick of making her cry.

"I want to be with him too, but we are at an impasse. I don't know how to get past it, and since we can't, I am worried he's gonna stay with Lynn and try to keep me as his friend. I can't be friends with him, with another woman in the picture. I just want him to forgive me, I want him to work on his trust issues, I want him to try, he's used to letting me do all the emotional work, and I'm exhausted. I do want us though, so bad. Like …." She abruptly stops when Steve's phone rings. She had seen Steve glance at his phone a few times during the session when it flashed with a notification. This time he answers it.

"WHAT?! I don't know Jerry. Figure it out. I don't care, ask Danny." He says moodily into the phone. After a minute of silence, he's yelling at Danny and Lou. Then Steve's silent a few seconds before he's back to yelling. "I don't fucking know! Figure it the fuck out. You are all in 5-O for a fucking reason. Jesus Christ. I don't need to handhold you guys through this, you've done cases without me. I'll be back in a few hours, and I want the job done! I didn't ask for excuses, and I don't want any now." Steve waits a few seconds before he excuses himself out of the door. He walks out of the reception office and into the stairwell.

Catherine's crying again and looking pleadingly at the therapist. After the shock of him walking out absorbs, she's apologizing to the therapist, grabs her backpack and tries to walk out. Dr. Lee tells her they have ten minutes left in the session, and he doesn't mind waiting for Steve, but she cares. She gives the receptionist the copay and takes the elevator to the garage. She leaves and heads back to work feeling 100 pounds heavier, one million times sadder.

Once Steve realizes he's been going back and forth with Danny for going on ten minutes, he hangs up the phone and races back into the office. When Dr. Lee tells him to come in, Steve is confused. Where is Catherine? She's gone, and her bag's gone too. Dr. Lee tells him that she left upset at him interrupting the session. Dr. Lee tells him she's already paid for the meeting. His world is crashing down. When he gets back in the car to 5-O she's not answering his text, his phone calls are going straight to voicemail. Fuck!

Steve heads into the team office and goes from one shitstorm to another.


	18. Chapter 18

The team is ready to tac up when Steve walks back in the office. He knows he has to apologize, but there's not enough time, it's action mode. Danny gives him the cold shoulder the entire ride there and back. Steve's never seen Danny put headphones on in the car and here he is riding in tense silence.

Once Lou and Tani finish interrogating the suspect he calls the team into his office. No one wants to be there, everyone is sore with him to a degree, and it's been a long day. He knows he's been off his game as of late and that the tension is going to boil over sooner rather than later.

"Look, guys, I was out of line earlier today. I apologize. I should have never spoken to you like that Jerry, and I shouldn't have gotten into it with you Danny. Lou, Tani, Junior I am sorry I insinuated that you were incompetent and needed me to help you solve a case. I was wrong to disrespect all of you, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Jerry, when you called, I was at the Doctor's and a little panicked, so I got upset and took it out on you. It's not an excuse, and it doesn't justify my behavior, but I wanted you to know there's nothing in me that thinks any of you are incompetent." He looks up to concerned faces, everyone is still a little mad, but their worry for his health is evident. As usual, Lou bites the bullet.

"Steve are you sick? Is there something you're not telling us?" An obvious allude to his liver transplant and the radiation scare.

"No, no it's nothing like that. I have a …um…rage problem that's affecting my quality of life." To that, he hears Danny guffaw. Danny steps from the back and for the first time in two weeks really jokes with Steve.

"Wait! Are you seeing a professional about a behavioral issue? Has the world gone mad? Tani, check outside are there pigs flying?" The atmosphere is light again as Tani and Lou humor Danny pretend to see pigs outside of the window.

"Very funny Danno. Very funny. Were you not the one who made a huge fuss, staged an intervention, and hired a stress management specialist because you were worried about me taking my health seriously?" Steve puts his hand on his hip and feigns confusion. The team sees this is about to be another Danno, McGarrett tit for tat and start filing out of the office. They're off the clock.

"Well Steven, I am proud of you, babe. I didn't think I'd see the day where Steven McGarrett takes care of his health, is even proactive."

"Ha-ha. Real funny Danny. Do you maybe want to catch a few beers sometime this weekend? Maybe bring Grace and Charlie over for a swim?" He knows he needs to put some face time with Danny and he misses his niece and nephew.

"Yeah, we can definitely grab a few beers. If you want to do that tonight, we can…"

"Sorry, Danny I have a girlfriend."

"You're such a goof. Did you know that? Why do you always ruin perfectly good moments?" Danny's so dramatic; Steve's missed his partner's antics. He's gonna tell Danny about Catherine when he decides what he wants to do and does it. He knows if he's on the outs with Catherine, he can't be on the outs with Danny. The real balance is being on the ins with Catherine and Danny; but for him to be able to accomplish that, he needs to get his shit together.

A master at deflection, he waits until he's alone in the office to try to call her again. He's shocked she picks up the phone on the third call until he realizes it's Grace, not Cath.

"Uncle Steve stop calling her. Just stop it." Grace hangs up the phone. She'd seen he called twice before and she grabbed the phone during the break in calls, turned it on silent, and quietly walked to the other bedroom to tell Steve him an age-appropriate, fuck off. Catherine had called Rachel after she got off work and had asked for drinks, Rachel had realized Catherine was upset and texted Danny asking him to watch the kids. When he hadn't answered, she told Grace to watch her brother, it was a school night. Grace sensed something wrong with her mother and inquired; once Rachel said Aunt Cath it was a done deal. Grace was coming, and Charlie could sit in the living room and play with his toys. Rachel didn't want a fight with her daughter, so she complied.

Grace turned off her Aunt's phone and went back to her room. It broke her heart to see Aunt Cath so upset. Rachel had thought they'd drink some wine and cry, but Cath just laid in the bed and cried silently. Grace walked in and climbed in the bed with her Aunt. She didn't say anything, she didn't try to make her talk, she just snuggled with her Aunt. Rachel sat on the end of the bed, patiently waiting for whatever Cath needed. It was the perfect English thing to do. She texted Danny again, and this time his response was prompt. She texted him Catherine's address and told him to pick Grace and Charlie up. Danny responded that he was on his way.

When he arrived, Rachel met him at the door and embraced him. He let her tears flow, rubbed her back, and shushed a confused Charlie. He didn't know where he was, but he had a pretty good idea. Once Rachel was done with her rare display of emotion, he sat on the couch waiting for Rachel to grab Grace. Charlie played with his toys, and a defeated Rachel came back out. She needed help with getting Grace. It had always annoyed Rachel that Danny was obviously her favorite parent, but she swallowed it for the sake of the situation. Rachel beckoned Danny to Catherine's bedroom, and an apprehensive Danny entered her room.

The sight fucked him up. He never liked seeing women cry and watching his daughter embrace Catherine chiseled at his icy heart towards Catherine. He beckoned Grace off the bed and kissed her forehead. His daughter was so wise, empathetic, and comforting. He never wanted anyone or anything to break her spirit and her kind nature. His eyes welled up with pride even thinking about it; she was the light of his life. He whispers to her to not give her mother any trouble and sends her out. He lays next to her on the bed and strokes Catherine's hair. He's been married before, he knows when to keep his mouth shut.

"Please don't defend him, Danny. He's yours. You win." Cath says shakily. Danny doesn't know what she's talking about, but he knows it has to do with Steve. What the hell could he have done in the two hours since Danny had seen him?

"Babe, I have no idea what you're talking about." Danny looks down at Catherine and sees her searching for deception. That's Ramboette for you. Catherine decides not to open up to him. She just snuggles into his warm body and lets him flip the channels. He doesn't realize he's fallen asleep until her morning alarm goes off. He's got a crick in his neck from leaning against her decorative headboard, but he doesn't want to disturb her. He turns the annoying alarm clock off, he knows she's awake, but he won't rock the boat by speaking. He knows he's got foot in mouth syndrome.

"I'm sorry Danny."

"For what babe?"

"For thinking I was enough for him. I asked him to choose me, fight for me. He didn't; the job's too important, Lynn's too important. You're too important. I'm setting him free. I gave him a choice, and he didn't choose me. Please make sure he's happy Danny."

"Catherine, what on Earth are you talking about?"

"Just make sure he's happy and healthy, Danny. This is too much for me. Tell him to forgive Kame. And Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"Forgive Rachel. You love her. Your family is beautiful. Live a little. I know you miss the love and the sex." She gives him a gentle nudge in the ribs. He chuckles at her and gets out of the bed. Good thing he kept extra clothes at the office, he didn't have time to go home and get ready. She walks into her bathroom, and Danny leaves. Good thing he knows his way around this crazy island, or he'd be in trouble. His phone is dead.

When Danny walks into the office twenty-five minutes late in sweats and an old t-shirt, the team has a field day. Even their grumpy boss, Steve, steps out and joins in on the fun. Danny doesn't say anything as he brushes past Steve and walks straight into the Commander's office. He doesn't notice or care that Steve, Lou, Junior, and Tani have come in to watch this continued torture. He plops right on the sofa, closing his eyes, relishing the position. For as comfortable as Catherine's bed was, he had been too preoccupied with keeping a friendly distance and not getting too comfortable. He was a cuddler in his sleep, and he didn't want to cross any lines.

"Rough night Danno?" Steve's enjoying this a little too much.

"Yes. A very emotional, tiring night, Steven."

"What was there a marathon of P.S. I Love You on?"

"No Steven there wasn't. When I left work yesterday, I thought I'd have a nice relaxing, kid-free night. Incorrect. Rachel texted me to pick them up."

"Aw man. A mother asks the father of her children to take care of his children. What a shame."

Danny knows Steve's enjoying this because he's a sarcastic motherfucker, but Danny knows the tables are about to change and he's bracing himself.

"Exactly, what I thought Steven, but little did I know, Rachel was unable to get Grace to leave Catherine's." Uh oh the "C" word. The jovial atmosphere of a second ago is gone. Tani and Junior slip out immediately. Lou stays in case this gets ugly.

"What?" The panic within Steve rises. Had Danny told her not to answer the phone? To not return his calls or his texts? Steve felt the anger within him grow too.

"Precisely what I thought, Steven! I had to drive out to Catherine's because Rachel and Grace were comforting Catherine from whatever you did. Rachel and I compromised, it was a school night, after all, she would take care of the kids, and I would check on Catherine. I gotta tell you Steve, you did a number on her."

Steve's heart drops to the pit of his stomach. He had not wanted to acknowledge how bad he had fucked up. He waits for his favorite drama queen to continue.

"So instead of my nice relaxing evening in my home, I spent the night stroking Catherine's hair as she cried. Because I was positioned wrong, I now have neck pain, and my sleep was shitty. I did not have time to go home, shower, or shave."

Steve doesn't give a fuck about Danny's hygiene habits. He's just trying to make sure he's heard right. "So, you slept over her house?"

"She couldn't be left alone. She was in the fetal position until this morning. She did want me to tell you something, though."

"Well fucking say it, Danny." He's heated now, he's about to stand up when Lou gestures for him to stay put. He complies for now.

"She told me to tell you, 'forgive Kame, she hopes you stay healthy, and she hopes you finally found your happiness. She prays for you and Lynn work out and that our restaurant is successful.' So now that we're over this Catherine saga, can we please go back to Kame's, never thought I'd say this, but I miss the big fella."

~~~~Leave a review and tell me whether you think McRoll will/should get it together or not. Thanks for reading! I think we have a few more chapters to flesh out, I'll try to stay under 25 chapters, I just like to write and McRoll gives me a lot to work with. :)


	19. Chapter 19

"Danny, what the hell are you talking about? You saw Catherine last night?! And you didn't think to, I don't know, fucking call me?!"

"No, Steven, I did not think to call you. You're not with her, you actually have a girlfriend, who you very much like – or did until Catherine resurfaced. You've been off your game since she's been back, you don't care about the restaurant, you are mad half the time and distant the other half. So, no, I didn't think to call you."

Steve is floored by Danny's words, there are so many words Steve wants to say, so many ways he wants to hurt Danny, but Danny is right.

"I love her Danny, I will always love her. She gave me an ultimatum, I was hesitant, we tried therapy, and I stepped out for a conversation with the team, she left." Steve sees Lou's nodding his head, his expression marred with disappointment.

"Wait, wait, let me get this straight: this anger problem of yours that you're seeing a doctor for is therapy with Catherine?! Jesus Christ, Steve! What the fuck is wrong with you? I knew you were sleeping with her again, so now you're cheating on Lynn and working out things with your ex while stringing Lynn along. I'm fucking disgusted with you right now." Danny had only been partially right; Steve had been stringing Lynn along, but he hadn't "cheated" per se.

"You wanna talk about being fucking disgusted, Danny?! How about you crawling back to your ex-wife after Melissa broke up with you? How about you sleeping with her until Melissa took your stupid ass back, making your kids think Mommy and Daddy are back together? Or how my girlfriend has to console your girlfriend because she's worried you're gonna leave her for Rachel any day?!"

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" Danny's on his feet now, and so is Steve. Lou's intercepting Danny, and Junior's come in to hold Steve back. Steve and Danny continue lashing out at one another as Lou forces Danny back to his office. Before Danny's out the door, he hollers one more time.

"I had it wrong this whole time! Catherine's smart to leave; because you don't care about anyone's feelings other than your own! Hey guys, guess what, Super SEAL is a super dick. Fucking garbage." Danny's words slice his partner in half, but he's too mad to see. Lou sends Danny home immediately with strict orders to stay put; he'll be by for lunch.

"Steve, sit down. I want you to listen too because I am only going to tell you this once. You need to stop bringing in your personal shit to the office, throwing around other people's dirty laundry out in the open, and you need to apologize to Danny."

"I'm not apologizing to that piece of shit."

"Stop it, Steve. Before you can rip into someone about their shit, your shit needs to be together, and right now you're being a real fucking dick because your shit is chaotic. Figure out what the fuck you want, if that's Catherine, why are you still with Lynn? Danny wasn't wrong, I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. You're being selfish, you want your cake and to eat it too, you don't care how that's affecting other people. Look, I love you, you're my brother, so I want you to hear me, I mean really hear me when I say this, ok?"

Steve respects Lou immensely, he's already acted like an asshole following his own head, maybe he should listen to someone else for a change. He replies with a timid, "ok" to Lou before Lou drops one of his pearls of wisdom.

"You need to make things right with the most important people in your life. You're losing friendships left and right trying to rekindle your relationship with Catherine, and you still don't got her! You didn't even do what she asked you to do! All she asked was for you to be present and pay attention to her and care about the things she cares about. You couldn't pull yourself from the job for one hour? You say you want her, but you're still with Lynn? Figure that shit out Steve. You don't get to be angry with Kamekona for not letting you know she's back because you haven't committed to getting her back. So now you're stringing two women along. You need to give Danny time, you don't think he's noticed you've been distant, lost in your own thoughts? Steve, we all have noticed, and right now we don't know who you are. Man up, and fix this shit, or it's only gonna get worse; then you'll truly be alone." After that Lou mimics dropping a mic and pulls Junior out with him, 5-O has work to do, and lately, Lou's been capable of captaining the ship as Danny and Steve's heads have been up their asses.

A dejected Steve knows he's fucked up, but he doesn't know how to get himself out of this clusterfuck of problems he's created. First things first, he needs to clear his head. He goes home and takes a ten-mile run, not even bringing Eddie. Then he swims for almost two hours. He calls Lynn and asks to meet for dinner, she had plans with her girlfriends but could come after dinner. They agree on meeting for a nightcap at a bar close by.

He's apprehensive about meeting her and breaking up with her, but he knows it's the first step to getting his shit back together. Their relationship had been ongoing for the last two/three years, but it had always been casual. There was no push for marriage, and kids like Melissa pushed Danny. They slept together two times a week like clockwork, sometimes three if had been a particularly hard week. It was so much calmer with Lynn; he liked having sex with her, but it was dull and routine. Lynn was stable, but she didn't provide him stability – only Cath had.

With Catherine, the sex was mind-blowing, infused with love, and much more frequent. It was like he could never get enough of her, back when they'd both worked at 5-O she'd have to drag Steve out of bed daily because all he wanted was to stay in that bed with her all day. He missed waking up to her, holding her before he fell asleep, even her little snore.

He decides he won't call Catherine or Danny just yet, but he will go and make things right with Kamekona. He's missed his friend, he's missed the shrimp, and he knows that his embargo of Kamekona's food was irritating 5-O. Before he knows it, he's parked out front of the shrimp truck. Eddie is whining because Steve's cut the Silverado off, but they haven't gotten out, and it's starting to get hot. He's not about to let Eddie die of heat stroke, so they're out of the car, making their way to the shrimp stand. He spots Kamekona and Flippa sitting behind the food truck, and he walks up to them, his face is hard, but his heart is soft, and he hopes they see he's sincere.

"Kamekona. Flippa. Look, I'm sorry I was an asshole when I found out about Catherine being back on the island. It caught my surprise, and it hurt me that she confided in you two instead of me. I was mad at you, because I do think you should have told me, but I was really pissed at myself. I can't tell you how sorry I am, but I am. I don't expect you to forgive me or anything, but know that the team will be eating at Kamekona's much more frequently. I don't have to come through, but they miss you, and I miss you." Steve hangs his head, he is genuinely sorry. Kamekona gives his cousin a look, and Flippa pats Steve on the back before he goes back to the stand. Kame beckons Steve to sit in Flippa's chair. Steve plops down, he's tired, downtrodden, and sick of himself.

"Big Kahuna, we are all good. I'm happy to see you back, I missed you. I am not sorry for not telling you, I was complying with sistah's request, and it wasn't my place to tell you. Though I wish I could have told you. I love you both, and I didn't like being caught in the middle."

"Yeah, I think we've put too many people in the middle of our problems. We are, well we're working on our problems."

"Glad to hear that. I think that's something called 'growth.' Proud of you brotha." Kame stands up and pulls Steve up; he gives Steve a bro hug and a stinging pat on the back. "Sit back here, I'm gonna whip you up something real nice." And as promised, Kame's shrimp hit the spot, God Steve had missed this place.

Steve spends the rest of his day behind the shrimp truck thinking about his life, Doris, his father, Freddie, his fight with Danny, Lou's advice, and of course, the keeper of his heart, Catherine. He finally leaves the beach and goes for a swim on his beach. He needs his mind right, and he's done too much thinking today, not enough action. He showers and throws on a pair of black jeans, and a dark blue button down. He arrives at the bar 30 minutes early, he orders two drinks by the time she walks in; she's slightly drunk and feeling flirty. Shit.

"Hi, Steve." She coos. He moves to a booth to afford them some more privacy, and she follows. By his body language, she can tell what's coming, but Lynn's not ready to give up on their relationship.

"Hi, Lynn."

"Sooo, why are we here and not naked at your place?" She seductively takes a sip of her cocktail and licks her lips. It's sexy sure, but it's not deterring the inevitable.

"I wanted to talk to you about that; I think we should stop seeing each other. My life is a mess, and I really don't wanna complicate yours with my shit."

"Mhm so let me guess this is an 'it's me not you,' that's what we're doing Steve? Are you leaving me for her? She's going to ruin you, Steve." Lynn had known from the second Steve saw Catherine, that he'd break up with her for his first love. She had been delaying the inevitable because she really likes Steve; not that she had seen him beyond having meaningless sex five or six times.

"I'm sorry, but I've got to try. I love her, and maybe she will ruin me, but I have to try. I hope you can understand – I never meant to hurt you. I think you're an amazing woman, who's gonna make someone really happy."

"I thought I made you happy." She's crying now. Shit. He doesn't want to touch her, what's the point in consoling someone you're actively upsetting? He wants Lynn to find happiness and love with someone who's in love with her. As long as Catherine was alive and hell, even in the afterlife, he would never be able to give that to someone other than Catherine Rollins.

"Lynn you've made me incredibly happy. We shared something really special, and I will cherish those times, you came into my life when I needed a friend and a confidant. We had some kickass times these past three years."

"But I am in a losing battle, I'll never be her, right?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. You're making the worst decision of your life."

"Lynn, I thought we could be civil about this, I don't want to lose your friendship." She looks at him horrified as if he'd slapped her.

"I'm not your fucking friend Steve, and I'm not gonna be around you and that bitch."

"Hey! Don't talk about her like that!" His voice is escalating.

"Fuck you. Fuck that bitch you're sleeping with, and now you're gonna lose the best thing that ever happened to you. I hope she was worth it, you piece of shit."

"I didn't cheat on you with her, Lynn, I swear. She doesn't know I am breaking up with you. I just want to win her back." It's technically the truth, but it's also technically a lie. He did cheat emotionally, but he had been doing that since he'd been with Lynn. Fucking Lynn and dreaming it's Catherine, accidentally calling her Cath when he climaxes, keeping Catherine's old stuff, the engagement ring still in the house; so yeah, he fucking cheated.

"That's even worse Steve. She's not a homewrecker, you're leaving your home to see if she potentially wants to be with you. Fuck you and her. You deserve each other. Delete my number." She gets up, smooths her skirt down, and heads to the door, but she's got one last thing to say. "Oh yeah and Steve, don't call me when she leaves again, because she will, and you'll have no one. Don't come crawling back to me then. I'm such a catch, and you're leaving me for that slut. Bye." She storms out creating quite a scene, Steve signals to the bartender to get him another beer and a shot.


	20. Chapter 20

Steve's too tired to deal with two of his personal heartaches, his partner, and his life partner. He heads home, and he's never been happier to see Junior. They sit down on the couch, drink a couple longboards, and pretend to watch family feud. They sit in silence, each contemplative of their day, life, and love. Junior's ex-girlfriend had her baby, his mother had told him, but it didn't seem real. He was falling for Tani, but there was nothing like the feelings you felt for your first love. Steve, thinking about Catherine, his next move, and why none of the pieces of his life ever perfectly coalesced. He thinks it might be too soon to reach out and damn it he was tired of thinking, so he leaves Junior and flops on the bed. Steve feels like he needs a vacation from real life.

On the other side of Oahu, an irritable Catherine was preparing to apprehend one of Hawaii's most dangerous fugitives. She wasn't running point, but she would be providing intel for the Marshal's Fugitive Recovery Team. Usually, this would be the highlight of her month, she loved these types of missions; Hawaii had the best, most exciting fugitives as far as she was concerned. She'd spent all day reviewing with her team, the Marshals who were running the op, and hadn't had a moments peace. By 2 am the fugitive had been captured, a Marshal had been shot non-critically, and it was time to pack up, go home and do it again at 8 am.

Catherine arrived at her place and for the first time in 36 hours, thought about Steve. He had her fucked up; she had explained to him in no uncertain terms that therapy was a big part of her life and it was vital for her to go. Doing couple's therapy with Steve had been a big step for her, and it felt like he couldn't give less of a shit. She had been dramatic calling Rachel on a school night, and she had felt awful Danny had been dragged into her problems. She texted Rachel for Danny's number and to make sure his place was still the same. Tomorrow she would bring him malasadas to make up for her child-like behavior. She hadn't been this dramatic since her first boyfriend broke up with her for Becca Newman in the ninth grade.

After a long power nap, Catherine checked her phone, and indeed Rachel had confirmed his address. Catherine looked like shit, she felt like shit, but she needed to apologize to Danny. With the pastries in a pretty pink box, she texted her partner to cover for her and drove to William's place. Upon seeing his car still in the driveway, she knocked on the door and waited. It took him three minutes to answer, and if she thought she looked shitty, Danny looked downright awful. She's not going to give him time to slam the door in her face, she brushes past him into the house and walks to the kitchen. It's obvious Danny is in no mood to see anyone, let alone her.

"Hi Danny, I know it's early, but I needed to come and apologize for the other night. I was upset and emotional, and I should have never called Rachel when I knew she had your kids. I'm sorry you had to comfort me, I know you're not my biggest fan, but I wanted to bring you a little peace offering/ thank you/ I'm sorry gift. So here it is, your favorite malasadas and some steaming hot coffee." She smiles at him so kindly, that for a second it's impossible to believe she's been the cause of so much wreckage and damage.

"Catherine that's sweet of you, but you didn't have to do that for me."

"Danny, yes I did. You're an amazing friend, and you were so supportive of me. I can never thank you enough." He takes a malasada and realizes she's only brought one, he reaches for a plate and cuts it in half.

"I want to ask you something." He beckons for her to sit down and she complies. "Look it's not my place, but seeing as I work with the guy, I am starting a business with the guy, and he's my best friend I just gotta know what he did to make you so upset like that; if I'm working with a scumbag, let me know now please."

Catherine hadn't expected this, but what's the harm in being honest with Danny? "He uh suggested going to couple's therapy to become friends; I didn't really want to go, but I felt like it couldn't hurt, and therapy's been so helpful for me in my own journey that I scheduled an appointment. I guess I just got overly upset because he was present in the room, but was focused on his phone. I asked to give me one hour, and he was late to the appointment, then he yells at the team on the phone in the session, and then he freaking leaves the session! I just had enough and reached my breaking point. Like it's not so much that he left that moment, I'm sure it was important, but it's always been like that, and I can't do that anymore. I know he's the boss, but does he have to be on every minute of every day? I just wanted an hour, Danny."

Danny was surprised that a simple therapy session had blown so out of proportion, but he knew very well how frustrating it was when Steve didn't take something seriously that was important to Danny. He's got too much on his mind to harbor any more negative feelings toward Catherine.

"Again, it's not my place, but did you and Steve sleep together? Lynn's a nice girl, my friend, my girlfriend's close friend actually."

"No. We haven't slept together since Kono's wedding."

"So why couple's therapy?"

"To become friends. I know it's sort of stupid, but he said you two had gone before." She says with an inquisitive look in her eye.

"We did, and just like you're experience, it did not end well." They both laugh at Danny's truthful joke. This moment is sweet for both of them and one of the rare times neither is trying to defend him, take his side, or fighting. Neither of them is sure the status of their relationships with Steve, they're in equal standing.

"So, what happens next Catherine?"

"I don't know, Danny. I guess I'm gonna go back to the office, work my job, and play it by ear. I'm not leaving Hawaii if that's what you're asking. I don't know what's going on with Steve and me, but I know that as long as he's with Lynn or someone else, there's nothing for us to talk about. Don't tell him, but I broke up with Scott the night of the party. I thought that if there was any chance of Steve and me, I had to be ready, but now I guess I don't know."

"That's fair. I don't mean to pry into your personal business, but he's my guy."

"I know, I know. Despite what anyone thinks, I'm glad you're by his side. I don't mean to pry into your personal business, but how are things with you and Rachel? I know she was upset."

"Oh, I don't know, honestly. We're complicated, we have kids, she hates that I am a cop when I retire, I'll let you know."

"Is that any time soon?" She inquires. He's not really sure. He loves being a cop, but he'd like to slow down, the job's wearing on him mentally and physically. There's also the fact he's pissed at Steve at the moment, so work is a touchy subject at the moment, but she's unaware.

"I don't know. I'm not like you and Steve, built for this life. I am ready to slow down, my parents are aging, Grace is almost an adult, Charlie's growing up, and I want to be there for these moments. I have so many responsibilities beyond the job that I'm worried I'm off my game, and that could get me hurt. I think after getting shot and almost dying, I understand more why Rachel was so afraid for me all of the time. She's always been normal, the kids are normal, I don't want them to have to experience the awful shit in the world. But if I'm gone because some guy decided he'd rather not go back to jail that day, then I'm inviting the horrors of the world into the bubble I've created for my family."

"Wow Danny, you're so deep." She means it, but she's also trying to lighten the mood. She's now extremely late for work, she'd expected to drop off the pastry and be on her way, but they'd sat down, ate, drank coffee, and chatted aimlessly. Danny seemed to be in no rush, so she didn't inquire about 5-O. Once she gets up to leave, they hug and reminisce on Grace. He tells her not to be a stranger, the kids love her, Rachel loves her, and he likes her a lot better now.

If someone had told her a year ago, she'd be 'done' with Steve and amicable with Danny she would have asked if they smoked meth; but life takes unexpected and unpredictable turns.


	21. Chapter 21

It had been five days since Catherine had last heard from Steve. She went out for an extended run, it was Saturday after all. When she returned to her complex, she saw a blue Silverado, but she didn't want to get her hopes or anxiety up. _Rollins do not go to that fucking car. Go to your apartment, now!_ She screamed a few times internally until she was by her apartment. Leaning against her door was a slightly sleeping Steve McGarrett. Her presence roused him, and he smiled at her. She was standing on the opposite wall, looking at him with her foot on the wall and hands on her hips. She was sweaty, tired, and slightly out of breath. She hated that his smile made her anger melt away, just that simple gesture had her wanting to wrap herself in his arms. But the Commander was not getting off that easy. They made direct eye contact, and a staring contest ensued; neither of them willing to give in.

Catherine slid down the wall and sat on the floor opposite Steve and her apartment door. She didn't speak, emote, or lessen her hardened stare. Steve had come to her home, and he was the one with some explaining to do. If Steve expected her to initiate anything, he would be disappointed. Steve realizes this is gonna be harder for him than he expected; he thought a few days and time would help, but he knows the fire burning in her eyes is just as hot as the moment he walked out of Dr. Lee's door.

"I guess you're wondering why I'm here…"

"Not really." She's always been a tough cookie to crack. His usual tactic of kissing her, fingering her, and giving her head wasn't going to work this time.

"Catherine Rollins, you are the most important person in my life. You complete me; without you, I am not whole. I love you with all of my heart, and I am sorry if I have not shown you or told you. I am in love with you, I can't love anything or anyone the way I love you. I would die for you."

"Ok, you're laying it on pretty thick."

"But I'm completely serious. Look I fucked up, and I made you feel like you weren't important, and you are, you're the most important. I want us to work Cath, I need us to work. Cath everything about us, our love, we can't throw that away. I've known you for almost twenty years, I've been in love with you for like twenty years, we were together for sixteen! I am not me, without you. Because I was scared if you knew how important you are to me you'd run, I didn't work hard enough to prove my commitment to you. I'm sorry it took me 41 years to figure out something I should have known and acted on like 15 years ago. But I'm here now, and I'm asking for another chance. If you get a job in Dubai, I'm moving to Dubai. If you get a job in Kabul, I'll be there every step of the way. I've put service before you for so many years, but not anymore."

"Steve I wasn't asking you to stop being a cop. I love the work you do for 5-O. I would never ask you to leave Hawaii, this is your home."

"No Cath, home is where you are. Look I know I'm being cheesy, but I'm being honest." Cath can feel her resolve crumbling.

"Are you still with her?"

"No. She wasn't you."

"When?"

"When what?"

"When did you two break up?"

"Earlier this week. I needed a few days to get my mind right before I looked for you. You're hard to find by the way." She smiles faintly before she's back to looking angry, but Steve catches the smile.

"Who broke up with who?"

"I broke up with her." Cath needed to know that she was not the rebound. She figured she wasn't, but she needed to know before she decided what to do with Steve and his profession of love.

"Oh."

"She said she knew the second I saw you again that she had lost me." Catherine again smiles faintly, remembering the emotional rollercoaster of that night. Now that they're talking dating statuses, he needs to know.

"Are you still with Scott?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I needed to figure out if there was gonna be an us. If you were gonna choose me and fight for me, I needed to be free of any man who wasn't you. It wasn't fair to string him along."

Wow. He had not expected that she'd be done with Scott. He can't help, but grin. After a few seconds, she's grinning too. He laughs, and she laughs too. It just feels right. Now they're laughing like a bunch of crazies, it's the happy, hysterical laughing where you're laughing and gasping with tears streaming down your eyes. She gets up and shoves him away from the door. He gets up and grabs her by the waist as she unlocks the top and bottom locks. He's whispering in her ear, using that low voice of his to make her insides squirm. As she opens the door, she pushes him back.

"Make me lunch while I shower Commander."

"Aye, aye Lieutenant." She walks away from him slow, pulling off her shoes, shirt, then her sports bra, and finally her running leggings. She teases him as she walks nakedly straight to her bedroom. She can hear him walking behind her, "Uh-uh. Lunch. Now" he smacks her bare ass and watches it jiggle slightly as she closes the door. Fifteen minutes later she makes her way into the kitchen and sees Steve whipping up a grilled cheese, she hops onto the counter, and he ignores her until the grilled cheese is done. He turns off the eye and walks to her. He stares into her eyes before he kisses her forehead.

Their first kiss is slow, the second passionate, and the third has her off the counter with her legs around his waist. He grabs a fistful of hair and mashes her face into his. When they finally separate she quips, "so fuck air huh?" He kisses her to show her, she's his air. She's his sun, his anchor, his heart. She pats his chest to indicate she wants to get down and Steve pouts. She begins to cut her sandwich in half before he admits he's already had one. The second she's done washing the plate, he's back on her.

He scoops her bridal style and walks into her bedroom. She laughs because he has no idea what she has in store for him. He grins because he thinks he's about to get lucky. Oh, little does he know.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks to everyone who's still reading! I hope to etch out a few more chapters. :) Also thanks to everyone who's reviewed!**

He plops her onto the bed and begins undressing the both of them. When they're in their underwear, she stops him and pulls him to the bed. She stares into his eyes and kisses him lovingly. She traces his jaw with kisses, she strokes his hair, it's like she wants to relearn every inch of him. She kisses his neck until he moans, kisses his chest down to his belly button; he's hard, and it's embarrassingly erect inside his boxers. Her fingers trace the transplant scar, his old scars, and moves back up to his face. He pouts, "wrong way."

Catherine slightly chuckles before she's tracing his face. She touches his eyebrows, the contours of his nose, the small cut on his forehead, she palms the stubble on his face before kissing him lightly. He searches her face trying to understand what she's doing; he had always been the gentle one, with her preferring the hard and fast. She gets up and lights candles around her room and closes her shades, it's daytime, but you wouldn't know it. She finds his cell phone and powers it down. She puts on soft sensual music and goes back to the bed. She straddles him and looks deeply at him, he leans up to kiss her and she pushes his chest back down.

"We are going to take things, slow Sailor."

"How slow?" He wants her now.

"Very slow." He groans. She begins kissing his chest.

"Steve" kiss "you" kiss "are" kiss "going" kiss "to" kiss "work" kiss "much harder before we sleep together." She kisses his mouth languidly before adding, "therapy is Tuesday, 14:00, don't be late." She takes one of his nipples into her mouth and teasingly bites; he grabs her ass, and she swats his hands. Steve doesn't know what she wants from him; he's fighting natural instinct to turn the tables and tease her. She grabs his hands and lifts them above his head. She produces satin scarfs that she ties to the headboard along with his wrists; he's a little scared, but a lot more curious.

She slithers to the bottom of the bed and restrains his feet. Then she's tying her hair back. She crawls up to his boxers and pushes them down Steve's legs. She kisses his thighs, licks the shaft, and begins jacking him off while staring into his eyes. When she takes him in her mouth, he's amazed. She's sucking and jerking while massaging his nuts. He knows he's not gonna last, but there's nothing he can do, the restraints are so tight, and his brain is on fire. She slows as she feels he's on edge, moans, and curses escaping his lips as his body twitches. Steve's eyes aren't even open. She gives one lollipop lick before she's done. It takes him a second to realize she stops while he was on the brink of orgasm.

He opens his eyes and sees her leaning back on an elbow, rubbing her clit. She wets two of her fingers in her mouth before she's back to rubbing slow circles and putting on the perfect pressure. She pulls her vibrator out and leans it against her and in seconds she's squirting, screaming, and twitching.

Steve's like a caged animal at this point, he's snarling trying to get out of these restraints, but he can't. He's at her mercy, and currently, she's too busy finger fucking herself with her fingers and her vibrator to notice him. He's got a direct view of how wet she is, she's dripping, and he's dying. He can't grab his throbbing dick, he can't touch her, he's immobilized. Once she's done her orgasm, she moans and lays there, ignoring an irate Steve.

She thinks she's seeing stars, but she's not done. She straddles him one again right in front of his dick and moves back and forth rhythmically. Her breasts jump and bounce as her ass collides with his dick. Steve tries to use his abdominals to rise up and thrust with her, but he can't. She puts two fingers inside of her and licks them seductively before she French kisses him. He can taste her on her tongue, and it's not the first time they've done that, but the first time in a long time. Too long. She scoots up against his torso and removes one pillow under Steve's head so that he's closer to being on a flat surface.

Catherine sets herself right on Steve's face; she hadn't taken this ride in two and a half years. She uses the top rail of the headboard and starts riding, conscious Steve will have to breathe every few seconds, but also focused on her own pleasure. She rides his face until she's coming, he isn't able to use his hands, so it's not his best performance, but it will do. She stays on top of his face when she feels him give into his orgasm. She rolls off his face and goes into the bathroom. He hears water running, and she's back with a rag. She cleans him up ever so gently. She removes the mattress pad Steve hadn't even noticed was there; her sheets were too expensive for her to ruin them with her fluids all the time.

Once she's cleaned up, she grabs some oil and starts massaging his chest, his arms, his flank, his stomach, all the way to his feet. She rubs his feet, and it feels incredible. Then she's back in the bathroom taking her time. He doesn't know what to expect, but it's not her in a sundress, which is exactly how she does. "Ok Sailor, I'm gonna let you out now, ok?" She starts with the foot restraints and then she does the hands. She kisses his forehead, tells him there's a key in the coffee jar, and to lock up when he leaves. He's so confused; he knows he's heard the front door close, but what the fuck?

The synapses of his brain are firing at all cylinders. They've never done anything so erotic without immediately making love. The tension of the last couple months had finally exploded in a way he never imagined. This replay would have to be in the back of his mind all day at work, or he'd need to find a single stall bathroom. He lays flat on his back, butt ass naked, trying to make sense of what just happened.


	23. Chapter 23

_**~~~Sorry guys, real life got in the way. Thanks for all your reviews. I love how passionate everyone is for McRoll or no McRoll. It makes the best will they or won't they prompt**_ ** _._** _ **Anyways, hope you enjoy, the like 5 of you still reading after 20+ chapters lol.~~~**_

After she's rocked Steve's world she makes sure she's still on schedule to handle the errands she's planned for the day. It's rare she has weekends where she's not on call for any part and she'll be damned if she doesn't enjoy every second of free time.

Catherine drives to the mall; she got paid yesterday, and it's been a while since she's spent money on herself. She heads to the expensive boutique that sells the sexiest lingerie she's ever seen; she can't really afford $300 luxury lingerie sets, but she deserves it. Catherine's become a lot more in touch with her feminine side this past year; she'd spent her adult life trying not to call attention to the fact she was a woman, she wanted to be seen as one of the guys, it made being in the Navy, CIA, and Marshals easier. She blows her budget of $500 and ends up buying two pieces, a silk robe, a teddy, a blindfold, and a whip. She's never been one for props in the bedroom, but they speak to her, and the saleswoman is damn good at her job.

She sits down on a bench and waits for Rachel; Danny had Charlie and Grace was over Will's. Rachel is chronically late, but it doesn't bother Catherine, she just tells Rachel that she wants to meet thirty minutes before she actually does so that Rachel is late, but technically "on time." When Rachel meets her outside of Sephora, she immediately notices a glow about Catherine.

"Bloody hell! You totally snogged Steve! Bad girl." She says in mock disappointment, she's ecstatic for Catherine. Catherine shakes her head no while laughing at Rachel's comment. Rachel doesn't care that Catherine thinks her expressions are ridiculous, American euphemisms just don't hold a candle to British commentary. They head into the store and to browse, get their faces made up, and to just enjoy the day. Catherine didn't know how much she enjoyed getting her make-up professionally done until Grace's party, her interest in make-up beyond lip balm and mascara had been rekindled, and she wanted to learn from people who knew what to do. After their tutorial, they both bought all the products the saleswomen had used on them and started walking around the store to the perfume section. Rachel always smelled terrific, she was not new too expensive perfumes, Catherine on the other hand, usually smelled like shampoo and Jergens lotion.

They were giggling like school girls until they noticed Melissa and Lynn walking towards them. Shit. Rachel straightened up, nervously fixing her necklace. Catherine turned her head from Lynn and Rachel's direction and rolled her eyes; Rachel hit her arm. Melissa spoke first.

"Hi Rachel, how are you? You look great, special plans tonight? Danny and I have really enjoyed the kids being over for the weekend; I miss them so much when they aren't there, I don't know how you do it." Melissa puts on her fake nice act with ease, she ignores Catherine altogether.

"Hello Melissa, yes it's my boyfriend's birthday, so I'm looking forward to a kid-free night. If you miss them, only imagine what it feels like to have birthed them, but Danny's the best father, so I'll manage." Rachel does fake nice well too.

"Catherine, you're all made up, are you and Steve going too?" Melissa inquires, and Catherine isn't in the mood.

"I am going. I have no idea what Steve's doing, we aren't together." She blinks as if she's confused by what Melissa's getting at.

"Cut the shit Catherine, we know you're sleeping with him. How do you sleep at night knowing you broke up a happy couple?" Melissa sneers while Lynn looks at Catherine with contempt. Now Catherine would be wrong if she smacked the shit out of Melissa, but each second, she's coming close to doing it. They gravitate to the back of the store by the hair products as to not call any attention to themselves. Rachel waves off any employees looking to see if they need assistance.

"They couldn't have been that happy if me coming back made him dump her, now could they? I'm not sleeping with him despite what you two think." She takes a step closer to Melissa since Lynn seems to let her attack-dog fight all her battles. "If I was fucking him, that engagement ring would be on my finger. Don't you two get it? I'm the one, sorry." Catherine's never acted like a bigger bitch, but this is the bullshit she will not tolerate. She had taken great care not to force Steve to break up with Lynn, it was his choice.

Lynn steps up in front of Melissa, she knows she should be a little scared of Catherine since she's a world class fighter, but right now she's seething.

"Bullshit, I know you're fucking him. I hope you liked tasting me on his dick, whore." Lynn and Cath are now toe to toe. It's attracting the attention of onlookers, but no one intervenes, yet.

"Ouch, that hurt. How'd you like when he called out my name when he was inside you?" Cath knew it had happened a few times and Lynn had been pissed.

"Fuck you." Lynn swings and Cath catches Lynn's hand before it makes contact with her face. She twists Lynn's arm a little bit before she looks dead in Lynn's eyes. "I want you to listen to me, you and Steve are done, let it go." Lynn's tearing up and through clenched teeth, she exclaims, "let me go, you fucking whore." That only makes Catherine grip her harder.

"Lynn, sweetie, you can't compare where you don't compete. I could have fucked Steve the night of your little candlelight dinner or when I came back for my uranium mission, anytime really. I didn't because I'm not that kind of woman. I didn't seduce him out of your relationship, he just loves me, and I love him. You're still young, and you're kind of cute, find someone who appreciates that and will love you. That's not Steve."

Lynn spits on Catherine, she'd never been so mad in her life. Cath wipes it off her face. Before Rachel or Melissa can grab either one of them, Catherine's kicked one of Lynn's legs from under her and grabbed her head. She pulls back and Lynn's forced to look up at her as Catherine holds a death grip on Lynn's scalp.

"I'm trying to be nice to you, but if you disrespect me again, I will kick your ass. You've got the wrong bitch. I am not the bitch you want to mess with, trust me. I'm gonna let this go because you are in your feelings, but next time come correct, or I'm gonna put you in the hospital." She lets Lynn go, and Rachel grabs her hand to get them out of the store before the police are called. They walk out of the store, and when Catherine looks back, Lynn and Melissa are being escorted out of the store too. Catherine thinks she's okay, but her mind is slower than her body, she finds herself walking back to them, adrenaline pumping through her. She grabs Melissa by the forearm, "you tell your friend to watch her fucking mouth about me, and you watch yours about Rachel. If this gets back to Danny and he has an issue with Rachel, you're gonna have an issue with me." She steps close, so she's in Melissa's ear, "And I'm not a person you want any problems with, comprende?" Melissa comprehends all right. She steadies Melissa before she lets go and turns to a startled Rachel.

"Rollins, you are out of your bloody mind! I cannot believe you just did that, what's gotten into you? Or should I say, who's gotten into you? She stares knowingly at a still annoyed Cath. "I wasn't lying, I haven't slept with Steve." Catherine knows Rachel thinks she's lying, but she'll tell her more about what actually happened once they've gotten a few drinks in them. Who knew a trip to the mall would be so eventful? Catherine wrote a two sentence summary of the situation so that she remembered to talk about it with her therapist and maybe the couple's therapist.

She texts Kono and tells her they need to speak urgently. She follows up the text letting her know that everyone is okay, but there have been some developments that she needs to share.


	24. Chapter 24

~~~ _**I love all of your reviews! Good, bad, indifferent, they all make me really happy. Sorry to all my readers who are not in my time-zone, I'll try to post more during the day my time so that people before me and after me can read at reasonable hours!**_ ~~~

Danny knew something was off immediately after Melissa walked into his house. He had expected Lynn would be with her, he thought they'd be doing the double date thing. To his knowledge, the date was still on, and besides, he was the one mad at Steve. He and Steve had not made up, but they put their personal shit aside for the sake of work. Steve drove himself, and Junior and Danny drove alone or with Lou and Tani. He'd missed rides with Steve, but he never realized how funny Lou and Tani's banter was; they gave Steve and Danny a run for their money.

"Did Lynn get lost in the mall? Or is date night canceled?" Melissa just stares at her boyfriend like he's an imbecile. For a second she thinks he's being a dick, but then she realizes he didn't know. She recalled he'd had an enormous fight with Steve, but figured they'd work through it as they always did. Melissa wants to tell him that 'yes the date is canceled because he broke up with Lynn and is fucking that whore,' but again she wants no issues with Catherine. Melissa was Brooklyn tough, Catherine was assassin/spy tough. Even Catherine's grip had bruised her arm.

"The date's canceled; talk to Steve."

"Ok. Do you wanna do anything tonight then? Maybe go somewhere special, like the Hilton?" He's hugging her waist, he doesn't need a fight with his girlfriend right now, and she seems to be in a mood.

"Ooh, the Hilton. As long as you're fine with seeing Rachel there; her boyfriend's dinner is tonight at the restaurant." Danny instantly becomes still as a stone; he doesn't want to react because that will piss Melissa off, but inside he's trying not to blow a gasket. He remembers hearing Grace talk about a dinner her mother was excited for, but he didn't connect the dots.

"I'm fine with that, but let's not. She'll think I did that on purpose and it'll become this whole thing." Good save, Danno, good save. There are tons of restaurants in Hawaii, and he'd choose anywhere where he didn't have to watch Rachel fawn over another man. Danny thought of himself as the mildly jealous type, but he knew how Rachel loved making birthdays a big deal and he wasn't in a place to see her do that with someone else.

Rachel, meanwhile, was excited to attend her boyfriend's dinner. Really to do anything that got her mind of Daniel. Seeing Melissa had made her think about the few weeks he'd been on a break and how he'd sneak into the house after the children had gone to bed, make love to her, and leave before they got up. Those weeks had been perfect, Danny was so thoughtful and loving; she thought that maybe their family would be whole. When he had gotten back with Melissa, it had crushed her. She hadn't even heard it from him; Grace had told her. It took everything for her not to burst into tears when Grace had interrupted her daydream (one about the sex she and her ex-husband had had that very morning) by telling her that "Danno needs you to have Charlie tonight, he's surprising Melissa with a romantic evening – gross, and I am going on a date with Will. I think Danno will call you about it, but I wanted to give you a head's up, Mom."

That night once she had put Charlie to bed, she downed a bottle of wine, and drunkenly called him. He hadn't answered, and it enraged her, so she hung up and didn't speak to him for months. That first week, she didn't even wait by the door to say hello, the kids went outside, and she watched from the peephole as they got into the car. _Silly Rachel,_ she'd thought. Falling for her ex-husband again, just to be dumped. She had encouraged his restaurant dream because owning a restaurant was safer than being a cop and even if the restaurant failed; she had money to sustain the family.

Catherine noticed Rachel's mood had dampened and only one thing could possibly be ruining an otherwise pleasant day. "Stop thinking about him, Rach. Live in the moment." She gave Rachel a big hug. Catherine had decided there was going to be no tears over Danny and Steve for the night.

"Thank you." Rachel snapped out of her mood and into a different one. "Catherine, I have to ask you something. What on Earth got into you today? I know you're a super-agent and can kick my ass, but why did you snap on Lynn and Melissa?"

Wow. Rachel's questions floored Catherine; she knew her behavior was extreme, she'd been upset, but out of line is out of line. She didn't want to tell Rachel what she would have done had Rachel not been in the store, but she did know civilians often did not conduct themselves in public n that demeanor. "Something in me snapped. I'm so tired of Lynn and Melissa was collateral damage. I've been trying so hard not sleep with Steve, not to rock the boat with anyone from 5-O, and being calm, but I couldn't take it anymore. I know I shouldn't let words get to me, but I've literally killed people for less." Rachel shuddered at that. "It was a joke, Rachel, relax." It wasn't, but it would make her friend feel better, and sure enough, Rachel brightened.

"I think you should apologize. I don't want any trouble with Melissa or Danny."

"You won't have any trouble. Melissa and I have an understanding. Melissa and I are similar, she doesn't take any shit, and neither do I. Her talking to Danny would create something she doesn't want or need. Don't worry; I read people's attitudes for a living in life and death decisions, she's good."

"Is that your polite way of telling me you're not apologizing?"

"Yes." Catherine smiles back at Rachel.

"You have such a soft voice and sweet face it's hard to imagine you're quite deadly when you want to be, my dear."

"It's all a part of my charm."

"Ah, that's it."

Catherine picks up her bag and gives Rachel a kiss on the head before she readies to leave. She needs to get dressed for tonight's dinner. She has no idea if Steve is at her place or gone; he's been texting her since she's left, wanting to know when she'll be free, what she was doing, that he loved her and missed her already. Steve was so loving when he wasn't in a mood, and she responded to his caring text in kind.

When she gets home, she's a little surprised Steve's still there. He seems to have done some minor repairs that she'd been putting off and he'd cleaned. Her place was far from dirty, but Steve liked his things a certain way and apparently her things too. Control freak.

She finds him in her bedroom reading one of her books only in his boxers. Her cat on his lap.

"Well hello, sailor. I see you've made some changes." She goes to him and kisses him, pats her cat. It's so domestic she wants to cry. She's considering calling Rachel and telling her she can't make the dinner, but it's her partner's birthday and he's her close friend. She can't do that to her partner or her best friend though. Once she reaches her side of the bed and plops down, Steve's expert hands are on her shoulders massaging them.

"Hard day at the mall?" He says sarcastically looking at her plethora of bags. "Yes, hard day at the mall. Spent too much money." She pouts. Her phone buzzes and she sees that she needs to start getting ready, she sighs.

"Want me to relieve your stress, Lieutenant? I've heard I have that effect."

"Commander you have the literal opposite effect." He laughs, he's missed hearing that she's been gone for five hours, way too long for him.

"Steve, as much as I am enjoying this and God, I am, I need to get up." Her head falls a little, and he rests his head in the crook of her neck, breathing her scent.

She goes into the bathroom and starts the shower, she comes back out and unpacks her shopping bags. Steve's grinning devilishly looking at the lingerie, the bedroom props, and the makeup. He's excited for the night he thinks is in store. A night of lovemaking is long overdue.

"Sailor, I have dinner plans tonight, you're more than welcome to stay here until I get back, but if you have things to do at your place, I understand." He's confused; she'd already been gone for a portion of the day, he thought he'd have her to himself tonight.

"Oh. I mean how late are you going to be out? I guess I can order in or grab a pizza." He's bummed, and she can tell.

"I don't know, this crowd is pretty rowdy, so I might be out late. I'd rather be here cuddling with you, but this is important to Rachel, and I cannot let her down."

"So, what's this thing that you're 'choosing' over me?"

"Steve."

"Catherine."

"Fine, it's my partner's birthday. Rachel and him have sort of been seeing each other. Some co-workers, friends and I are doing dinner and drinks."

"So, I guess there's no plus ones at this exclusive event, huh?" He doesn't understand why she wouldn't tell him about this beforehand. He would have gotten dressed and schmoozed with her co-workers if she'd have asked.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to come, Sailor."

"What? Are you ashamed of me?" He asks sarcastically, but she knows that under that sarcasm there's genuine fear that she is, he's been anxious to talk to her and figure out what they were to each other now. This afternoon he'd been sure they were back together, but with each hour she was gone and didn't tell him everything, he got more anxious they weren't on the same page.

"No, Steve, I am not ashamed of you. My partner happens to be close to Scott; Scott will be there, and I just think it'd be easier if the two of you weren't in the same room." What the fuck was she talking about? Scott would be at this party, and she didn't want him to be there?

"Do you want out of this thing, Catherine? Because I will leave. Why would I let my girlfriend be at a party with her ex without me?"

"Let?"

"Don't start with the semantics, Cath!" He's up now, getting dressed, pissed.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you! I knew you'd overreact!"

"I'd overreact?! This isn't even close to me overreacting."

"Steve, I don't want to be with Scott. I know he will be there, but that doesn't mean anything's going to happen. You're just going to have to trust me on that one." She crosses the room to put her hands-on Steve's chest, he waves her off and runs his hands through his hair. His mind is going a mile a minute.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's what you told, Scott."

"Steve. That wasn't fair, that was mean." He's not sorry he said it.

"Well, I guess I have no choice, no say in this. I guess you won't mind me going on the dinner date with Lynn, Danny, and Melissa that was planned for tonight."

"Do whatever you want, Steve." She's frustrated with him, and he's pushing her to the limit. She didn't think he'd be happy, but this is childish.

"I will. It's not like we're together anyways."

"We aren't. At least not, officially." Oops. That was definitely the wrong choice of words, even if it was true. Steve looks like she punched him in the stomach. Her words knocked the air out of him. He turns abruptly and walks out.

Catherine can't deal with Steve right now. She returns to her now scalding shower and gets dressed. She'll text him in a few hours once he's cooled off a little. This fight was unnecessary. He should trust her, if she wanted to be with Scott, she's sure that could happen, but she has no interest in him. Steve's trust issues, jealousy, and insecurity were going to stop this relationship before it even began.


	25. Chapter 25

**~~~ I think if Catherine ever came back to the show, it would take a while for them to reconcile. What do you think? I didn't want to make it easy for Steve and Catherine in this story because I think it's super unrealistic that they'd take one look at each other and boom everything is back on track.~~~**

Catherine arrived at the Hilton, looking good, but feeling sad. Steve wasn't answering her calls. She was concerned she hadn't made the right call; maybe she should have told Steve beforehand or prefaced it better. She made it through the dinner and drinks, but she wasn't in the mood to have a good time. Scott had been respectful of her space, but he was concerned about her. She appreciated he still looked out for her, and she knew it was good Steve hadn't come. By the time she made it back to her empty, lonely apartment she was spent. After she scrubbed her makeup off and got into her pajamas, she texted him.

CR: Come back. Talk to me, don't just leave.

SM: What's there to talk about? You made it pretty clear where we stand.

CR: I'm not doing this with you tonight.

It had been ten minutes, and he hadn't responded. She rolled a blunt, smoked, and put on a movie. She was out like a light. She barely heard him come back, well after two in the morning, but she felt him come into her bed and nuzzle her. In the morning she'd ask, but right now this felt right, and any further talk threatened to disrupt this feeling. Soon enough she was lightly snoring once more.

Steve was envious that Catherine fell back asleep instantly. He was angry, upset, and offended that she wasn't being so open with him; but at the same time, he wanted nothing more than for her to sleep in his arms. It took him a while to succumb to sleep, but once he did, the rest was blissful.

He was a little irritated with himself that he'd gone home, had a night swim, beers, but he couldn't sleep. He wanted to show Catherine he didn't need her, he planned to sleep at his place and wait for her to apologize before he talked to her. But by two thirty he was tired of pretending like he was okay, tossing and turning, his mind replaying the day. Before his pride could stop him, he was in the car, driving to her place, with an overnight bag and Eddie. He left Eddie in the living room and went into her room; it smelled like weed, and she was apparently asleep. He wasn't sure of what to make of it, but when he stripped to his boxers and got into her bed – his stress melted. He crawled up to her, and she grabbed his hand to pull across her body.

At five am, he stirred, careful not to wake her. He went into the kitchen and poured food for the pets. He watched the news on mute until she awoke. "Good morning, Commander." She said in her softest voice. He kissed her and stroked her hair. When she got up to use the bathroom, he was sad to see her go. He loved – loves watching Catherine wake up; it was one of his favorite activities, it was like watching the sun rise.

She's surprised to see Steve's set up a toothbrush, his toiletry bag, and deodorant in her bathroom. Steve confused her; one minute he's leaving in a puff, the next he's moving his stuff into her place. She didn't know what to make of him returning in the night.

"Steve, do you wanna talk about last night?"

"Not really."

"Steven. Be serious. You were really upset and I know I could have handled it better, but you can't just leave every time you're upset. And I'm still really upset about some of the things you said." Wait, she was upset by some of the things he'd said? What about her not telling him anything until she was out of the door?

"Are you being serious? First, you give me the best orgasm of my life, then you drop off the face of the earth, then you tell me you're going out, and I can't come because your ex will be there. And the cherry on top – we aren't dating. I'm sorry, but I'm failing to see what you could be upset about."

"I'm being completely serious – your insinuation about Scott and me was out of line. Lashing out at me because you're upset isn't gonna fly. If you want to talk about what we are then just say that! If you want to tell me that I hurt your feelings by not inviting you, then say it. I can handle it, I'm a big girl."

"Fine. What are we?" He sits down on the bed with his head in his hands. Why was everything so hard now, it was so easy for sixteen years.

"What do you want to be?"

"What do you want to be? Don't answer a question with a question, Catherine."

She pauses and takes a deep breath. "I want us to take things slow. I think we need to get to know each other again. A lot of change happens in the two and a half years we've been apart. I want us to fight for what we have, I don't want you to get upset, but I don't think we should jump into things."

"So, you don't want to be with me?"

"I want to be with you, but I don't think we should be in a full-fledged relationship yet. I think we need time and the tools to be together and really make it in the long run."

"We made it work for sixteen years Cath. That's almost half our lives. We were happy."

"You were happy, Steve." Steve can't believe what he's hearing; what the hell was she talking about?

"Why'd you stay so long if you weren't happy?"

"I don't know. I wasn't unhappy the entire time, but the last year or two, after the Navy – I guess I just lost myself. I was suffering in silence and alienating myself." She comes and sits on his lap. "Steve, let's start by being friends. I miss our friendship. We've never lacked passion, but the friendship and partnership I need, you need, isn't there right now. I know you're not liking what I am saying, but I want you to consider it." She's right, he doesn't want this. He wants her to move in with him today, be his girlfriend today, start a family soon. She kisses him out of his funk.

"Do friends kiss like this? Do friends love this? Cath, I hate this; I want us back. But if you think this is best, I'll try it, but I need you to tell me if you want out or space. I can't lose you again. It'll kill me, Cath."

"I feel the same way. And yes, isn't this what you do with Danny after all your hard cases? Kiss and make up?"

"Not funny." He hadn't told Cath about his fight with Danny. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk about it; she can tell he's apprehensive about something, so she drops it and goes to make breakfast. They eat breakfast, walk Eddie, and lay in bed until noon. She doesn't want them to have sex yet, which is going to kill Steve, but he's got no choice to comply. So, they kiss and talk, she tells him about the places she's visited in The Agency, he tells her about the new dynamic of the team. He's shocked when out of the blue she leans over and traces his jaw, it's full of tension and emotion – she's crying, he's not sure if it's happy tears. He wipes her tears and pulls her into a bear hug, they cry together. It's so pure and raw. He cries because he loves her so much, he's missed her so much, Danny is pissed at him, his father is dead, his potential to develop cancer is high, he could die any day on the job and so could she. All of his buried emotions come to the surface.

"Sailor, I don't want you to leave." She says into his chest. He's confused. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes, Steve, you are. You're going to Danny's, and you're working whatever this is out with him." Damn. How did she know him so well? He's amazed. He doesn't want to go, but he needs to talk to his best friend. He needs to make things right with Danny.


	26. Chapter 26

**~~~For those of you who think my portrayal of Catherine is uncharacteristic; we don't really know Catherine and Steve on a very emotional, intimate level. Like they weren't emotionally intimate when they were together, but Steve was really, really hurt when she left. I wish the show would have shed more light on Steve's private thoughts and struggles with being apart. And it's not like Steve is super loving and open about being with Lynn on the show.**

 **Also, sorry it's taken me so long to post – work and life have been hectic, but I'm back! ~~~**

Just to recap: Steve and Catherine have sort of reconciled, but Steve needs to talk to Danny. How will things go? ~~~

Daniel Williams couldn't sleep in; his ex-wife had riddled his thoughts the entire night. He went to sleep thinking about Rachel, dreamt of her, and woke up wondering about her. The idea that they both had someone and would never reconcile sickened him. He knew she'd never last with Stan, he knew they'd get back together, but something about the last few weeks made him feel like this was final.

Danny had internalized some of the comments Steve had made. Danny didn't want to acknowledge that he knew he'd hurt his daughter and his ex by coming around and being a 'family' just to pull the rug out from under them. He knew he'd hurt Rachel to her core and hurting her, hurt him. As Melissa slept beside him, he couldn't help, but feel like he'd fucked up. He loved Melissa, but not like he loved Rachel. It had taken weeks of Rachel icing him out and Steve's harsh words before he acknowledged Melissa was the safe option and he could finally admit it to himself.

He crept out of bed and aimlessly watched television. He was sick of it all; sick of himself, his love life, fighting with Rachel, disappointing Grace, and being estranged from Steve. He'd never felt less grounded, and Danny did not do uncertainty well. When his son climbed into his lap, looking so innocent and like his ex-wife, he knew this couldn't go on. He was still hopelessly in love with his ex-wife, but this time he'd fucked up bad, and he didn't know how many rounds of hurting he could exchange with Rachel.

Steve's number blinked on his phone and against his better judgment he declined the call. If it were a case, Lou would call him shortly. Lou had been the intermediary between Danny and Steve during this fight. Danny missed Steve sure, but being estranged from Steve gave him the time to process their friendship and realize certain aspects needed to change. He loved his brother, but he resented him at the moment and very much didn't like him. After four declined calls, Danny finally took a deep breath and answered.

"Is there a case?"

"No Danny. I was—"

"Then why are you calling?"

"Danny…"

"What?! Get it through your thick skull that I do not want to talk to you, Steven."

"Danny…"

"Don't Danny me Steve. I'm fucking pissed at you."

"Danno I'm trying to apologize! If you'd just let me get a word in, you'd know I am incredibly sorry, and I want to make amends."

"I don't want your apology. I just want you to leave me alone. I need time because I still hate you."

"I know Danny. I just want you to know how sorry I am and I am ready to talk when you are. I miss you, you're my best friend, I can't lose you, Danno."

"Funny. Best friends don't say things like what you said. You had no right, especially in front of Lou."

"Danny you're right. I crossed the line. I want to make things right with you, are you home, I need to speak to you face to face."

"Melissa and the kids are here. I'll be there in thirty minutes, but you've got a lot of explaining and apologizing to do. You hurt my feelings, Steven."

"I know, man and I can never apologize enough."

Once Steve and Danny hung up, Steve raced to the store to buy a couple six packs of beer and a pizza. The house was quiet and tidy; Junior appeared to be out for the day. Steve puttered about nervously waiting for his partner, unsure of what was to come.

When Danny arrived, he was cold and silent. They sat on the lanai both collecting their thoughts; drinking beers and waiting on the pizza. Steve wasn't as forthcoming with his apology now that the two men were face to face. It had been easier on the phone, Steve didn't have to look at Danny as he tried to say his piece.

"Danny, I am so sorry for what I said. I should have never brought up Rachel's feelings, your private business or your kids; I know family is off limits. I fucked up, and I pushed my best friend away because I was upset. I was angry that with what Catherine told you, jealous you had been the one to comfort her when I fucked up, mad at myself for pissing off the people closest to me, and I lost it. I was hurt that you didn't call me about Cath and so I wanted to hurt you more. It was immature and unacceptable. Look you know I am not good at this talking thing, but you have to know how sorry I am. You're my best friend, I need you in my life, and I miss you. I understand if you need time, but I promise that something like this will never happen again. I love you, you're my brother you know."

Steve had so much more he wanted to say, but the tears were already flowing. Danny meant so much to him; the bond he shared with the blond detective was unlike any other he'd ever experienced. Life would not be the same without his best friend. He would not allow his pride to hide his true feelings and lose out on the best friend he'd ever had. No amount of _keep it together, McGarrett; stop crying; stop being vulnerable,_ swirling around in his head could prevent him from laying it on the line and hoping Danny would be receptive.

Danny gave no indication that he'd heard Steve, but he had. Each word he'd internalized, and he believed Steve. His life was too confusing for him to keep Steve at a distance; his feelings over the way he'd left things with Rachel were consuming him. Steve's words had been inappropriate in the workplace, in front of the team, but Steve wasn't wrong. That's what made being mad at Steve so effortless, he was furious at himself and taking it out on McGarrett. It was the truth in Steve's words that had made Danny avoid Steve for more than a week. He saw a patient Steve eagerly waiting for a response, but Danny had so many that it was like he had nothing to say.

"You were out of line, but you were right. That's why it pissed me off so much, Steve. You have no right to call me on my mess when your bullshit is all over the place. I had time to think this week, and I've realized that you don't value my opinion. Before you interrupt, let me finish. I worry myself sick over your health, you refuse to take your health seriously. I ask you to take fewer risks on the job, you go out of your way to prove you're a super seal. I ask you, beg you to get the psychological help we all know you need, you go to therapy with a woman who is not your girlfriend. I ask you to reconsider Catherine's position in your life, you lash out at me and embarrass me by airing my dirty laundry in front of my team. Your disregard for other people's feelings and requests is normally irritating to me, but at this point in time, I am no longer interested in letting it go for the sake of being friends, partners. I love you like a brother, but I won't let you terrorize me the way my own brother put me through the ringer. You can't lash out like that in the office and expect one apology is going to dismiss what you did when you were upset. You're 41, act like it, Steven."

Neither Steve nor Danny react until Steve gets up to remove their pizza from the oven. He stays in the kitchen longer than necessary, unsure of how much more brutal William's honesty he can handle in one sitting. Danny was so perceptive, intuitive, and he knew how to use his words as weapons. After they eat a portion of the pizza in companionable silence, Steve admits that Danny was entirely correct, Danny nods his head in agreement.

The partners are not back to being McDanno, but they're in a lot better place than when they started talking. Danny painstakingly avoids the topic of Catherine as he inquires how Steve has been in the past week. His talks with Catherine in the past couple weeks had lessened his anger and resentment towards her; he also wasn't sure if he wanted to know if she was back in Steve's life. This past week he'd realized that while Catherine had her share of blame in hurting Steve; Steve's irrationality concerning Catherine was entirely Steve's doing. He didn't want to lose any ground with Steve. Disparaging Catherine in any way was the number one way to cause Steve to shut down and go on the offensive.

By the time the two were good and drunk, Melissa was on the way with the kids for a beach day at Steve's. The Grovers would be by shortly. Soon enough it would become a drop-in day for the entire ohana. Steve texted Catherine letting her know Danny had the kids over and she should stop by; it irritated him that she hadn't responded by the time the kids were in the water playing. He excused himself to the house and called her, it went straight to voicemail. He texted her again asking for her to call him back and just as he went to return to the lanai, there was a knock on the door.

He was surprised to see Lynn on his porch. He knew for as long as Melissa and Danny were together he'd occasionally see Lynn, but he didn't expect to see her so soon, never mind at his home. She smiled and started speaking before he could even register what she was saying. He didn't get a chance to inquire why she was there before Melissa appeared and pushed past Steve to bring Lynn inside. Once he realized Lynn had come for the few things she'd left, Melissa was pulling Lynn towards the lanai; she was a little drunk, and Steve didn't want to cause a scene.

No one knew he'd broken up with Lynn. No one knew he was sort of seeing Catherine. And to top it off, Catherine wasn't answering her phone. He knew if she did show up, seeing Lynn would bother her, but he didn't want to tell Catherine if she wouldn't be coming anyway. He didn't want to pull Lou, Junior, or his partner away to discuss his awkward predicament. Steve reasoned if he saw Scott at an event of Catherine's he wouldn't be too upset, which he knew was a lie, but he just didn't want to rock any boats. Lynn kept her distance from Steve, catching up with Melissa down by the beach, and Steve spent his time by the grill obsessively checking his phone for a message from her, ready to run interference if needed.


	27. Chapter 27

Meanwhile, Catherine had dragged her partner to Steve's house before their night on call. She knew Alex didn't want to go; nervous Danny would be there, not particularly a fan of this man named "Steve," and most of all irritated being Catherine's emotional crutch. As her partner pulled up, she noticed all the cars and then within sight of the house all the memories both good and bad came rushing back to her.

"Rollins, you good?" Alex could tell she was not, but he didn't want to point it out to her unless she was willing to talk about it to him.

"Yeah. Let's go, we have to be in the office in an hour and a half. Look Danny's here, maybe you two can have a beer together." She turned the conversation, off of her to stabilize her. _Breathe Rollins. You can do this, you've been to this house a million times. You're in a good place with Steve, everything will be fine._ Catherine repeatedly told herself over and over as they walked to the back of the house.

The first thing she noticed was how happy everyone looked. Lou and Danny were joking, Steve grilling, Junior, and Tani flirting. Grace ran over and hugged her before hugging a grinning Alex. She remembered Rachel telling her that Grace had met Alex and liked him, an unexpected win for Rachel's confidence in the new relationship. Charlie ran from whatever game Jerry, and he had been engaged in, to say hello to Alex and Catherine. Immediately she noticed the tension in Danny's face; she saw the realization overcome him precisely who Rachel's boyfriend was. Awkward.

Catherine introduced her partner to some of the members of Five-O, she wondered where Steve was, but she felt a little awkward about seeing him in the company of Ohana. What came naturally to her greeting Steve: to wrap her arms around him and kiss him passionately, didn't seem to fit with how she wanted to take things in front of his friends. After a few minutes Danny got up to introduce himself to her partner, and before she could exchange a humorous glance with Alex, she saw Steve walking out the lanai. He was laughing, and he took her breath away; it was like she was sixteen and in a movie. She didn't have time to smile at him before she noticed Melissa leading Lynn out of the house.

 _What the hell was Lynn doing here? Had Steve lied about breaking up with Lynn? Catherine wondered worst of all: Was Steve playing her?_

Catherine wanted nothing more than to beat both of their asses, but she remembered her and Steve weren't exclusive, because of her choice. He was technically off the hook. They might not have been a couple, but undoubtedly Steve wasn't stupid enough to be hanging back out with Lynn. She took a deep breath and went up to say hello. _Calm down, Rollins. You have to work, you can't go to jail today._ It baffled her that she was always able to stay calm, cool, and collected in life or death situations, but issues with Steve still threatened her composure.

"Thanks for the invite, Steve. We can only stay for a bit, we report in an hour. Hi ladies." She keeps her voice even, although on the inside she's ready to go off. Thankfully, her niece saves her ass from any more awkward conversation pulling her inside of the house to catch up with her. She can't focus on what Grace is telling her because her mind is everywhere but in the present moment. She whips her phone out to text Kono and Rachel separately because between their two level-heads she would be able to calm down.

Lynn and Melissa saunter into the kitchen; Grace and Melissa both quickly exit, noticing the waves of animosity radiating off both Catherine and Lynn.

"Who's that outside? He's cute." Lynn says coolly. Catherine just stares at Lynn, itching to pull her firearm out of its holster. She can't recreate the scene she caused at the mall. But God she wants too.

"I'd give you his number, but you're not really a cop's type." Catherine spouts in a voice as soft as honey but dripping with venom. Two could play that game, Lynn.

"Well, you seem to be everyone's type; Steve, Scott, this guy. Wow. I admire you, I can't keep up with you." Lynn fires back, and Catherine balls her fists pressing them into the counter not to lose control. She's lost her head once with Lynn and she isn't sorry about it, but it won't happen again.

"Lynn, I am trying so hard not to jump across this table. You should go before you start something you can't finish. I don't want to hurt you." Her voice is like steel, cold and forceful.

"I'll go, but only because I don't want you to hurt the baby."

"What? What the hell did you just say?"

"You heard me." And just like that, the anger within Catherine dissipates. She carefully brushes past Lynn and heads to the lanai. Catherine refuses to let her emotions get the best of her in front of these people. She doesn't even look Steve's way by the grill in the yard before she brushes past Alex towards the driveway. He smiles apologetically at Five-O's confused direction and quickly about faces. Once in their service Tahoe, Catherine breaks down in the passenger seat. She tells Alex to get a fucking move on, and he speeds out of the quiet neighborhood worried about his partner and friend.

Lynn knocked the air out of Catherine's lungs. She's never felt this type of pain; it was in her head, her heart, her womb. Lynn wasn't even showing; she'd never wanted to hear this from Lynn. _Did Steve know? Is that why Lynn was there? Had Steve called and texted so many times because he tried to break it to Catherine before anyone else? Who else knew?_

She's unsure how she's going to make it through the work night. It's been a few hours of fieldwork and Catherine's broken down a few times. An ordinary spat with Steve, even a bad fight, Catherine could rely on drowning in work to relieve her of her sorrows temporarily. But this was different. She could not compete with a baby. Life had just started becoming great, and now the rug had been pulled out from under her. She finally turned her phone on and saw the texts and calls from Grace, Steve, and surprisingly, Danny.

CR: If any part of you loves me, you'll delete my number. There's nothing left to say. I'm happy for you, and I wish it were with me. Please let me go because this is too painful. I'll mail your stuff.

She texts him back before turning her phone off again and leaving it in the car. She doesn't tell her partner what's wrong and she sleeps in the locker room where the Marshals keep a couple cots for on call. Once she's alone, the sobs rack through her. She cries for the babies she'll never have with Steve, the love she's lost, and how stupid she's been that she didn't have children years ago, now that she's 39 and childless. She lets exhaustion take over her, and she succumbs to sleep full of dreams deferred. Even unconscious she's in agony.

~~~ I love the actress Sarah Carter (who plays Lynn), IRL. Super feisty, confident, and witty so in my story her character is has a lot of those traits! ~~~


	28. Chapter 28

Steve watched Catherine leave and as he went to follow her, Lou and Danny grabbed him. No one wanted a scene and Danny knew just how ugly things could get between an upset Catherine and an emotional Steve. It took a second for Steve to realize whatever made her upset had come from the house. Lynn. He pivoted and sprinted straight to the house to find her and rip her a new asshole.

"Lynn what the fuck did you just say to her?!" Steve's in Lynn's face now, towering over her petite frame. But Lynn isn't afraid. She knows he's not a violent man, he's simply furious. She laughs in his face as Danny and Lou peel him away from her.

"Steve, Steve, calm down man. Come on now." He hears Lou holler above the yelling of his thoughts.

"I told her what I've been trying to tell you all along! I'm pregnant!" For a second the room goes silent. Danny signals for Tani and Junior to leave, this is none of their business. Junior closes the lanai doors to award his boss some privacy. Whatever comes out of this, he'll be around to witness the aftermath, and Tani could hear it from him. Now that the new people were gone the gloves came off.

"What? What are you talking about, Lynn? We've always used protection. And so now I'm supposed to believe that right after we broke up, you're now pregnant with my baby?"

"Fuck you, Steve! This baby is yours! Sorry, that bitch didn't like it. Tough." Lynn's in tears and Melissa is holding her. Danny is floored! Steve could be a dad – but he'd also broken up with Lynn. Danny didn't know if Catherine and Steve were trying again; he'd had no time to analyze their interactions before she went inside and then left abruptly.

"I don't understand; you're on the pill and I always wrap up." This is too much information for Lou Grover. Lou puts his hands up in surrender and walks out to the lanai to take his family home. Steve's personal shit is getting on Lou's last damn nerve. Tani catches a ride with the Grovers because this is too personal for her to witness about her boss.

"Yeah, well, I stopped for a bit and you didn't care that night. Remember? And now I'm late." Steve doesn't know what the hell she's talking about until it dawns on him that oh yes, he very much remembers that night.

 _~~~It was the night of Grace's big party and he'd been too drunk to drive home so Lynn drove his truck and he rode with Danny. Steve decided on sleeping in Mary's room because he didn't have the stomach for sleeping with Lynn in his bed. His mind was too wrapped around seeing Catherine that night._

 _When Lynn snuck into the room, Steve was on his second erotic replay of being in the elevator with Catherine. Except in this replay, it was only the two of them and much hotter than the reality of what transpired. Steve didn't say anything to her as he watched her size up the open bottle of scotch by the bedside. Lynn simply straddled him and kissed his tired, haggard face. He wasn't responding to her so she went lower with her lips. She devoted herself to giving him the best blowjob she'd ever given and he'd ever received. But as he was on the brink of coming, he made a fatal mistake, he called her the wrong name. He had shouted "fuck Cath, holy shit," but Lynn was most certainly not Catherine. He opened his eyes to see her shocked, enraged expression, his dick still in her mouth. Fuck he was an asshole._

 _He expected Lynn to bite his dick off or at least rip him a new one, but she didn't react. She kept sucking and swallowed when he was done. Steve was still on edge, sexually pleased, but also sufficiently embarrassed. He was anxious for Lynn to talk to him, but she just stared into his eyes._

 _"What does she do?" Steve is confused by her question._

 _"I'm sorry?"_

 _"Show me what Catherine does in the bedroom that makes it impossible for you to forget her. Fuck me like you fuck her; I'm genuinely curious what's so different." Steve couldn't believe what he was hearing. She wanted what?! Lynn looked at him expectantly uncomfortably squeezing his now limp dick._

 _"Show. Me. How. You. Fuck. Catherine." She squeezes harder. "Pretend I'm her."_

 _Steve had never been more confused; what sick trick was Lynn up to? He didn't know what to do—this felt like a trap. But here Lynn is on the bed, arms folded, waiting. And because Steve is an asshole, sexually frustrated from seeing Catherine at the party, he gives Lynn what she wants._

 _The sex is rougher than anything they've ever tried. He's fucking Lynn like it's Catherine's first night of shore leave and he hadn't seen her in months. He pulled Lynn's hair, he choked her while he stroked, he micromanaged the entire three rounds. He didn't use a condom and he nutted in her. It was the best sex Lynn and Steve had ever had, but if that had been Catherine, this time would have been barely memorable – at best. After they were done, Lynn left and they never spoke of what happened again. ~~~_

"Have you taken a test?" Steve was dying to know the results; being late was not enough. Catherine had been late a handful of times in the sixteen years they were together, but here he is childless. Or so he was a month ago.

"I took three. Two positive, one negative. But sometimes you just know." She says softly. Melissa and Danny exchange looks. It's time to go, but Danny isn't leaving Steve here without checking in on his partner. Steve's gone through a lot in the last couple weeks emotionally and so much physically, he needs to rest. Danny is going to be by his side through thick and thin. He pulls Steve into the living room and signals for Melissa to take Lynn.

Steve tries to call and text Catherine for an hour while Danny makes dinner. When Grace and Charlie come inside, Charlie curls up next to Uncle Steve. His little, perfect brain can't understand what's going on. Grace and her father talk about what's been going on; also, intermittently calling Catherine who wouldn't answer. All this drama surrounding Steve had left Danny off kilter and he needs grounding. Danny decides to take a risk, he calls Rachel when Grace checks on Steve and tells her it's an emergency – they need to talk.


	29. Chapter 29

Danny leaves the kids at Steve's knowing McGarrett wouldn't want to be alone, and it would be easier to talk to Rachel without the kids. Danny doesn't tell Grace he's about to speak with her mother, he doesn't need the drama that will ensue. The drive from Steve's to Rachel's is not particularly long, but it gives Danny a second to center himself.

When he enters with his key, Rachel is in the kitchen cooking. He's not hungry, but he accepts a plate and sits at the kitchen island. Rachel cooks when she's nervous, and he can tell she's nervous to be around him alone. Their history and their chemistry make it hard to navigate the tension between them.

"Thanks for letting me come over, I know we aren't in the best of places right now." He says as he eats the delicious chicken pesto pasta she's prepared, he'll need the recipe for the restaurant whenever it finally opens to the public.

"You're welcome, Daniel. You said it was an emergency, but Grace said she and Charlie were fine."

"Oh, it's not about the kids. It's Steve." He says quickly, reassuring her that their children are perfectly fine. It does not escape him that at the mention of Steve, her face falls and disappointment shrouds her body. She steps away from the kitchen island and sits on a countertop.

"Right. It's about Steven." She's tired of Steve's drama, it's like a whirlpool or an underwater current; it pulls everyone around, into the water and drowns them. Why did she let Danny come over? This was a mistake. She can't do this with Danny. She has her own shit she's dealing with and sorting through Steve's shit isn't her top priority of things to do.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He's irritated. Though he knows exactly what "that's" supposed to mean.

"Nothing. Forget it." Rachel can't fight with him right now. She doesn't have it in her.

"Forget it?"

"Yes, Danny. If you want to have this conversation, forget it." So, he does. He waits a second before speaking, to relive the tension between the two of them. They always fight, and if he isn't careful, it'll happen again. Fighting was both of their defense mechanisms; fighting, nagging, and ranting to express concern or complaints.

"Rachel, look I'm sorry, but I have no one else to talk to about this; Lynn's pregnant. Or at least she thinks she's pregnant. She told Catherine, it was a big thing. Steve's upset, Catherine's upset, Lynn's upset. The poor schmuck; it's like this guy can't ever catch a break." Danny continues ranting, but Rachel's no longer listening; she's worried about her friend, she doesn't give a shit about how Lynn or Steve feel at the moment.

"Well, maybe, Steven should have used protection. Then he wouldn't be having a child with someone he isn't in love with and losing the best thing to ever happen to him." She shrugs her shoulders and pours herself her third glass of wine.

"That's all you have to say? Really? You? Of all people, Rachel." He shakes his head as he drinks a glass of wine she's provided.

"Care to elaborate on what that means, Daniel?" She says in a warning tone. If he thinks this is the time to go on a rant about the circumstances of Charlie's birth, then this is going to get very ugly, very quickly.

"We didn't use protection, you had a child and pretended he was not mine! I lost years with my son because you lied. The only reason I know is that our child could have died and your marriage crumbled. I gotta tell ya, hypocrisy is not the most flattering look on you."

She takes a long deep breath. This conversation is over. Or else someone is going to jail.

"Leave Daniel. Please just go." Rachel is tearing up she's so mad. There are so many things she wants to say, but the damage will be irreparable.

"No! You always do this, Rachel, kick me out when the going gets tough!" He's shouting and pacing; pissed.

"Danny, I am sorry about Charlie. I am so sorry. I made a mistake, a terrible, bloody awful mistake. And I can never fix it, but I am sorry." Danny surprises her by taking in a sharp breath and coming to an abrupt stop. His face is as red as a tomato.

"You think Charlie is a mistake? What is wrong with you? Are you serious?"

"No! No! I do not think our son is a mistake! Is that what you think of me? Fuck you! The mistake was Stan! I wanted Charlie to be Stan's so that my marriage could be saved. I was in love with you! I am still in love you! And I knew if I found out Charlie's paternity with 100% certainty then my marriage would be over! And I would be alone! I'm still alone! It was selfish, and I am sorry. God, I am so sorry." She dry heaves and begins sobbing; it's the wine and Danny. Danny feels the fight leave him. He goes and hugs her, their tears ruining his shirt. He knows it's wrong, but he kisses her. The kiss is intoxicating.

He misses her. God, he misses her. Rachel's lips, her scent, her hair, the way her moans come out as they kiss. He picks her up and takes her to the couch. They kiss, and they kiss. She whimpers when he moves to her neck. She hooks her leg around his waist as he spreads himself on top of her. She can tell the moment they move from love to lust. She wants him, but they can't because it will hurt too much in the morning when he leaves and she's alone again. Rachel pats Danny to signal to stop, and he lets out an exasperated sigh. He had been looking forward to making love to Rachel, because that was what it was, love.

Instead of the sex he'd been eagerly anticipating, they sit side by side on the couch with her leaning into his chest, his arm around her. Neither speaks. They let the heat cool between them. He misses the contact when Rachel gets up, but she returns just as soon as she left, with another bottle of wine. They drink straight from the bottle as they curl up together once more.

"Danny, I want to try again. It's always been you, love. I want us to be a family again. I want another baby. I don't want you to be a cop anymore. I can't go through you getting shot again. I can't do it. I almost lost you, Danny. Do you know how that felt? I almost lost you… I want my children to grow up with their Mummy and Daddy, together in love. I don't want us to break our children. I need you here for them as they grow up. I am tired of all of this breaking up and making up, my poor heart can't take it. I want us back, not for the kids, but for you and me. If you don't want to try again, I understand, but I do. A lot." She has no idea what's possessed her to tell him her innermost thoughts.

She cries as she tells him what's been on the tip of her tongue for years. Her heart races faster each second he doesn't speak; she's unsure what she is more afraid of, him wanting to try again too or rejection. In the morning she'll punish herself for this, but right now she's overcome with feelings, love, and loss.

"Daniel, please say something. Anything. Please." He can hear the hope in her voice. For once in his life, Danny is silent. He's scared even to breathe. He doesn't know what he wants, except he knows precisely what he wants. But Danny is not a risk taker; he's not a glutton for punishment like Steve. So, he doesn't speak, and she cries more. He tightens his arms around her and pulls her into his lap. He strokes her hair and murmurs that he loves her in her ear. He nibbles on her ear in a way he knows drives her crazy because he needs her to stop crying. The truth is, he'd like nothing more than for them to try again, but the stakes are too high. If it doesn't work out, it'll crush him. But telling her, he doesn't want to try, will break her. Daniel silently cries as he thinks about how hard it is to make a decision, the most important decision.

"Rachel…"

"Danny, don't. I know your answer. I shouldn't have brought it up. I am sorry." She whispers before giving him a sad smile. As he looks into her eyes, he realizes he's being stupid, what they have is everything to him. He kisses her again. No one could ever make him feel this way, and that's why it's killing him what they're going through, what they've been through. He sighs as he kisses her again. Everything about her feels right and perfect.

"I need time Rachel. I want to try too, but I need time. I want us to work." For the first time since he's been at Rachel's, he remembers his girlfriend, Melissa. Shit. Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. She was a great girlfriend and an even better woman. But it wasn't love. No matter how you cut it, she wasn't the love of his life, the mother of children, the woman he had vowed to love through better or worse for the rest of his life. And boy, had he loved Rachel through better and worse.

There's too much thinking going on for Danny. All of the fractured relationships he had with Melissa, Rachel, even Steve. He realizes, for not the first time, that he obsesses over Steve's issues, Steve's actions, and Steve's dumbass personal decisions in a way to avoid thinking of his own. Rachel's presence brought him the clarity he needed to admit some of his fear for Steve was wholly justified, but other parts of it were selfish. If Steve figured his shit out and was happy and Danny wasn't – he wasn't sure how he'd be able to handle it. Truthfully, he didn't want to be miserable alone, and it was petty, childish even. But it was how he felt. And then again, why is he thinking about Steve with Rachel in his arms. He picks her up and takes her to her bedroom. Drunk and uncertain, they strip off their clothes, lie down and fall asleep in each other's arms.

~~~Please leave a review if you feel so inclined! I love hearing what you guys have to say.~~~


	30. Chapter 30

In the morning Danny wakes up to a sleeping Rachel sprawled possessively across his chest. He fantasizes about their family, with Charlie, early in the morning, running into his mother's room and climbing into bed with his parents to wake them. Grace would come an hour later and snuggle with Danno like old times. Then the four would make breakfast together and eat in their pajamas watching Charlie's cartoons. He even envisions a pregnant Rachel, happy and content. The fantasy brings him unspeakable joy, but also crushing sadness because that's all it is, a fantasy. He strokes Rachel's hair as she breathes into his neck. Even in their sleep, they cling together, limbs as intertwined as their hearts. How did everything go so wrong?

Danny realizes his phone is downstairs and he isn't about to disturb Rachel's sleep. When she wakes up an hour later, they make love like their lives depend on it. Entering her is the best feeling, and he's missed it so much. As he thrusts into her, they make eye contact, and the atmosphere is so intense, you can forgive them both for crying. He tells her he loves her and that he has since the moment she crashed into his car eighteen years ago. It's always been her, and it will never stop being her. Danny moves to pull out before he comes, but Rachel hooks her foot onto his back to keep him inside her.

"Give me another baby, Danny. Please." She screams before she's over the edge too. This orgasm isn't an earth-shattering one, she isn't seeing stars, but all the bottled-up love and emotion has risen to the surface. They cuddle and make love once more. With Danny and Rachel, the hard and fast of rough sex, pure primal fucking, never appealed to them; leave that to the Neanderthals, Danny thinks. Their love is displayed in soft whispers, caresses, and languid kisses. Blame the Casanova in him for knowing how to romance the love of his life.

Danny rubs Rachel's belly affectionately. While they're in this little euphoric bubble, he prays that they did make a baby. He knows once this bubble's burst, he'll be worried sick for weeks about whether she's pregnant. He knows she hates the pill and they had forgone a condom. This was some Eric Williams level stupidity. Danny felt like he needed a slap on the head.

"Danny, I've got to run to the loo. I don't want a UTI lol." Rachel says as she caresses his hair. He begrudgingly moves over allowing her to scoot from under him and roll off the bed. Danny uses this opportunity to venture downstairs to find his phone. He's walking in his boxers, and he's scared shitless when he comes across Catherine lying on Rachel's couch.

"Woah, babe! Announce your presence next time! Especially after ducking my calls." He says pretending to scold her, but Catherine's in no mood for shooting the shit with Danny. She's actually surprised and slightly disgusted that he's here, in his boxers.

"Why are you here Danny? She knew I was coming. Oh, God." The realization of what she walked into hits and she's up ready to give them privacy.

"Woah Woah, Catherine it's fine, let me make you a cup of coffee. Then I'll try to find some pants, just don't look. But I am in fact inside of the house of the woman I was married to for almost 13 years, and I have two children with. Nothing she hasn't seen before."

"I'm sure she saw a lot of it last night, huh." Cath loves Danny's flippant personality. When you removed Steve and his complications out of the equation, Catherine could see herself becoming great friends with Danny.

"Actually, it was this morning." He gives her a shit-eating grin as they migrate to the kitchen. She sits at the island bar as he makes her coffee and cracks open the fridge to make omelets.

"Gross."

"What's gross?" Rachel asks breathily. She appears in Danny's too big button up shirt and hugs him from behind while shaking off Catherine's questioning look.

Catherine and Danny are saved from answering as the front door opens. Fuck. Neither Rachel or Danny have time to compose themselves before they're greeted by Grace, Charlie, and a taken aback Steve. Grace takes one look at her parents who haven't even moved, one look at Catherine, and stalks to her room. Rachel attempts to go after her but is stalled by Charlie who's running to the both of them wanting to be picked up by his father and kissed by his mother.

Steve's mind cannot even compute what's happening. He knew the instant he pulled up to Rachel's that Danny and Catherine were there. Both of their cars were parked outside. At first, he debated coming inside the house, he had planned on dropping the kids off and going to Catherine's to see her and try to talk, but fate had other plans. Entering the house, he was shocked to see Danny in boxers, with Rachel wearing his shirt, hugging. More shocked that Catherine was quite okay watching the two divorcees cuddle when she knew both of their significant others. If circumstances were different, he would ask her about it, but they weren't. She hadn't even looked in his direction even though he knew she could feel the holes his eyes were boring into the back of her head.

"Well Catherine, I shall be ready in a minute. We are going to change, and then really, I'll be ready. I'm looking forward to continuing my kid-free weekend." She says smilingly at Danny. It is his weekend after all. She wonders why the kids are at her house at all, but probably since Danny had been here all night, they wanted to come to their mother's.

The Williams family moves toward the stairs before Danny turns around and says, "play nice!" Steve flips him the bird and Catherine doesn't acknowledge anything has happened, she doesn't even look up.

"Cath…"

"Steve, don't. Please, I can't do this right now." She's already in tears.

"Catherine, please let me explain, please don't shut me out. I need to talk to you. Baby please." He never calls her baby, except when he's fucked up so bad, he's scared he'll lose her. The last time had been Afghanistan. He comes behind her and puts his face in her neck.

"Did you know?" The question comes out in a near whisper.

"No Cath, I didn't. She only told me when you left. Cath, I swear." That doesn't ease the pain she feels in her heart. She wants to run, quit her job and go back to the CIA, but therapy has taught her to at least attempt to detail with her problems head-on at first.

"Cath, how can I fix this? I'll do anything. I need you, I messed up. Tell me how to fix this, please." Steve's crying too. She gets up, and they walk to Rachel's backdoor. She needs air. Each time he tries to get close to her in the backyard, she waves him away. She needs time to process her next move. When she feels calm enough to talk, she approaches him in the grass with red, weary eyes. It breaks his heart.

"Cath, I'm so stupid. We didn't use a condom one time! Just once. I didn't…I just…" He doesn't even continue as he watches the pain in her face. She looks tired. "She's going to the doctor to get confirmation that she is, the tests gave back mixed results." Adding the details of his predicament does not help Catherine, but he wants her to know what he's up against. She takes a sharp breath and bows her head as she pushes out her next words.

"Steve, I can't be around watching you have a baby with someone else; especially her. We have never talked about kids, but I always assumed your babies would be our babies. I can't be with you watching on the side as you experience the birth of your first child when that child isn't mine." She's sobbing now. She knows she needs to say her piece before she loses her nerve.

"I am happy for you, but I can't be 40 years old and not a mother, watching your ex, and you become parents. I love you more than anything in this world, but this is something I can't watch. I wish the best for you two, or I guess three. Maybe we aren't meant to be, every time we find each other, something happens. Let's not do this to each other. I think we need a clean break so you can focus on your child and its mother. A child doesn't deserve to deal with its parent's messy shit." She rambles on as she watches the agony in his face as her words sink in. He reaches out for her, and she flies to him. He's hugging for dear life.

"Aloha, Steve." The last month has aged her more than the Navy, and the CIA combined.

"No! No! No!" Steve screams as she moves away from him to walk back into the house. He's not letting her go. It's selfish, but it will kill him. "Cath, I can't lose you again. I don't know how long I have left. I don't want the next time we see each other it's my funeral."

She turns around, not understanding the implications of his words. "Catherine, they've found evidence of cancerous cells, I got the call today. I've been battling acute radiation poisoning syndrome for the last year." She wants to punch him in the face, fuck him for pulling her right back in. She wants to rip out those cancerous cells with her bare hands. How much more could Steve take in this lifetime?

"Oh my God. Steve! What?!" And just like that, she knows she's not going anywhere. She'll be with him every step of the way. Steve's suffered more injuries than anyone ever should, and she's not about to let the love of her life wither away by himself. He tells her how the radiation and the transplant have affected him, the sickness, the fear of losing his life, the fear of never reconciling with her and them running out of time to figure out things before he goes to an early grave. After what he feels like has been an eternity, but probably has been twenty minutes, he's back to having her in his arms. She's looking out into the distance, and he's looking at her.

"I'm sorry to drop that bomb on you, Cath. I've been meaning to tell you. I guess this was an inconvenient time."

"Ya think, sailor?" She says entertained. Her smile radiates like nothing he's ever seen, it's infectious. He smiles too.

"It was actually a car bomb that gave me radiation poisoning. I'm scared sure, but nothing like how afraid I am to lose you, Lieutenant." He scoops her in his arms and plops himself right into the grass.

"You're so full of it, Commander." She teases. She's worried, but she can tell this isn't the place or the time to get into more detail about his sickness. It's too much to think about all at once.

"Full of love for you, Catherine Rollins." He says with an ear to ear grin.

"Oh gosh." She says before she kisses him passionately. She says right on his lips, "we have so much to tell to Dr. Lee on Tuesday. 14:00, don't be late. I'll see you then." Then she kisses him again before she's up and walking towards the house. She gives him one last look over the shoulder and a little salute. He surprised, he forgot all about therapy, and he didn't expect her to walk away so soon after he'd bared his heart to her.

"Babe come on, I'll make you an omelet, I know you haven't eaten." He hears Danny's voice ring from the back door. He heads inside and ponders at the incredulity of the situation. He's sitting in Rachel's kitchen waiting for Danny as he cooks, with Rachel and Catherine off, doing God knows what.

"Are you and Melissa, uh, through?" He asks. "We are not talking about that right now, Steven," Danny says back instantly.

"Well shit, Danny. You're fucked."

"Thank you, Steven, for pointing out the obvious. You don't know how much I love when you do that, I love it more than anything else." He takes a deep breath before calling for Grace and Charlie to come down for breakfast. Charlie comes barreling in, ready to eat, but Grace is a no-show. He looks at his charging phone to text her and sees she's already left him (and Rachel) a text. "I hate you two. I don't want to live with either of you." Fuck. He heads up to her bedroom and hears her on the phone with his mother, Clara. She ignores his knocks.

As he enters her room, he feels his heartbreak. Shit.


	31. Chapter 31

**Hi! Thanks for still tuning in, life got in the way - I moved to a new city and started a new job! As always review if you wanna. I'm so ready for s9. Ok Bye!**

Daniel Williams was in a mood; a very irritable, slightly homicidal mood. It had been seven stressful weeks since he and Rachel had given into temptation. In the early morning haze of love and nostalgia, everything had felt right – reconciliation had felt like the obvious course of action. That idea had lasted little more than a week before he and Rachel were back to fighting over trivial matters to avoid having the actual fight, to save whatever they had with one another.

Melissa had broken things off with Danny immediately after he'd told her he'd slept at Rachel's. He never even got the chance to confess to sleeping with Rachel before Melissa had hung up and blocked him. But, that had lasted a short while and before he'd even been back in Rachel's good graces to ask if she'd taken a pregnancy test; he and Melissa were back like nothing had ever happened.

So, it was surprising for Danny, as he was entering headquarters, seeing Rachel's name in his phone alerting him to the fact that she was indeed pregnant and it was confirmed with an ultrasound picture. He resented Rachel for telling him this information via text, devoid of emotion, and her cruel joke about not waiting three years to tell him this time. It was only eight in the morning, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Fuck! Why couldn't his life ever be simple? Did she even know how much her message hurt him? What would Melissa say? He had no time to react before he was bombarded with hellos from 5-O around the smart computer.

Immediately, Steve knew something was troubling his partner. Everyone knew that Danny wore his emotions on his sleeve, but this was something else entirely. Steve's heart dropped as he began to fear the worst—that Danny's father had passed away. Noticing the dip in energy upon Danny's arrival, everyone waited for McGarrett to make the first move on checking on Danny; except before he could speak, Jerry beat him.

"Danny, is everything alright?" Jerry asked concern evident in his facial expression. Danny didn't know how to answer – nothing was alright, and yet everything was alright. All Danny could muster was a weak yes, before his mind was off again, strategizing how to handle this fallout.

"I…uh, have to go home. I…um need to…" Danny trailed out before Steve was beckoning him to his office, but Danny couldn't move. He needed to process everything without the ever-perceptive eyes of Steve and Lou.

"Danno, is it your Dad? Why don't you sit down in your office for a second? You don't look so good, man." Steve said pleadingly. He grabbed Danny's forearm to guide him, but Danny waved him off.

"I can't, Steven. You see, I have to go. I have to go tell my girlfriend, that my ex-wife is now pregnant with my children. So, no, I can't sit down right now."

"Children?" Tani knew this conversation was none of her business, but she blurted her question without thinking. Tani liked Grace, liked what she saw of her mother, and she didn't know Melissa. She had no dogs in this fight, but come on, how was Danny making this kind of mistake in his forties?

"Yes. I am now a father of four. Two out and two in utero." And with that Danny began beaming. He knew the circumstances were shit, but a child – no, children were a blessing. His rollercoaster of emotions was disturbing the team, he had just admitted so much more of his personal life to the team than anyone would have expected. Danny lets them know he'll be back before lunch and that all the reports Steve's asked for, will be on his desk by the end of the day. He's got a lot of explaining to do today to the women in his life.

"Wow." Is all Steve can muster up.

"Yes, wow." Danny is irritated that no one is being congratulatory, but he can't exactly blame them. It's just he needs the positive reassurance that this is a good thing. He knows his causal relationship with Melissa is most likely over, but signing up for at least eighteen more years of co-parenting with Rachel was scary and thrilling as hell.

Meanwhile, Steve is floored by his partner's revelation. Danny went from panicked to elated to pissed all within a minute, and Steve wasn't sure how to react. When Danny walked out of 5-O, the team barely had any time to process the information before they were called into a case.

Steve wonders if Cath knows, and he feels a longing so deep and profound to talk to her it unsteadies him. He wasn't aware it was possible to miss someone so much. Thinking about her brought him physical pain, and yet, he did it every minute of every day. A part of him was annoyed that Danny and Rachel were on the outs because when they were, Danny didn't divulge information about Catherine via Rachel. A more prominent part of him was annoyed that Lynn was indeed pregnant, his pre-cancerous cells had been removed, and Catherine had decided a pregnant Lynn was something she couldn't handle, especially now that Steve was relatively healthy.

Five weeks had gone by, and he hadn't heard, spoken, or seen her. Her silence didn't stop him from getting drunk and texting her how bad he's missing her or how bad he needs her a couple times a week. Her idea of being a good friend to him was ignoring the messages and texting him to make sure he was okay after some of 5-O's pursuits had made the papers. Even at his doctor's appointments, she came as a friend and insisted Lynn be present, as the mother of his unborn child, should be there and she had no right. It cut him to his core when he ended up in the hospital for a night, and she left him, Danny, and Lynn to discuss his options after the doctor had spoken. If Danny or Lynn had noticed, they left it alone, as he silently cried.

Catherine had made good on her promise to still remain in Steve's life, but her presence was hollow. Somehow that made it worse. To know Catherine was near, to see her, feel her presence, but not have her was torture. It was hard for Steve to breathe because he spent every minute in war; his heart fighting to go to her, his head knowing this wasn't the time. Why was everything so fucked? He was slightly jealous of Danny impregnating Rachel, it felt like Danny had solidified forever with his forever, not the woman he was casually sleeping with. Fate never played in Steve McGarrett's favor, and it was next to impossible for him to handle it any longer.

Before he could get in his own way, he texted her. He needed to see her and bare it all. She doesn't answer, and she's not at her place when he drives there after work. But he knows her better than he knows himself - he goes straight to his lanai, and sure enough, he can see the silhouette of her, hair blowing along with the wind. He sits down next to her and lays his head in her lap, her hands lazily comb through his hair, and they don't speak. It feels so right, and neither of them is willing to break the moment. Any words spoken will force them to acknowledge the reality of their situation; for now, they pretend.


	32. Chapter 32

When Lynn and Steve go to King's Medical Center for her ten-week check-up, immediately he can sense something is off. The ultrasound technician is having a hard time hearing the baby's heartbeat and Lynn's been spotting the last couple hours. He was not in love with Lynn, sure, but he was in love with the prospect of being a father. This baby was already so loved, so wanted. He couldn't even process the words coming out of the tech's mouth, but he can hear Lynn's sobs, and he can see the anguished expression of the tech as she calls for the doctor. His mind goes blank as the doctor confirms his worst fears – there's no heartbeat.

Steve doesn't move, he doesn't react, he's sure he's not even breathing. Of all the pain he has ever felt in his eventful life: the Academy, the Navy, the deaths of Freddie and his father, Wo Fat, Doris, even Catherine, nothing – nothing has ever compared to this feeling. His child, his baby, was no longer breathing, and he hadn't even noticed. He didn't give a fuck that miscarriages were common in the first trimester; somehow this was his fault. If only he had been there for Lynn more, physically and emotionally. Had his recent health scares caused her body to go into too much stress?

His mind is running through everything, and yet it's blank. He's never felt such profound loss for anyone or anything, especially a person he's never met. But he had never created a person before. All of these feelings were new and overwhelming.

As he finally calms down enough to focus on the present, he moves over to grab Lynn in his arms. To his dismay, she swats him off and curls away from him in the ultra-sound seat. She tells him to go away, and he complies. He sits outside of the room, waiting on her. They had driven together to the doctor's, and for not the first time, Steve thought maybe he could make his situation work. Now there was nothing, he knew there was no more between the two of them; nothing left to say and certainly no more things to hold on to.

Finally, she appears and rushes out of the room. He follows, and they beeline for his truck. He can't find the words or the actions to convey how sorry he is that they are in this situation. Steve pulls up to her house, and they sit in a hostile, abrasive silence. Both are furious at the world, the natural termination of a pregnancy that was unplanned, but certainly not unwanted, was cruel and heartbreaking.

He breathes to speak, and she cuts him off. Lynn spits for him never to call her again, she never wants to see him again, she hopes he's happy because now he can run back to 'that bitch.' He screams back at her – because that is unfair and Catherine has nothing to do with their situation. Lynn reminds him that Catherine is the reason she's pregnant; if Catherine had never come back, Lynn would have never been curious about what sex with Cath was like, and they would have used protection. After they've exchanged a few more hurtful barbs back and forth, she's slamming his truck door, and he's speeding off.

Steve's so fucking mad, he's so hurt, he doesn't know what to do. He can't even speak. He drinks himself into oblivion in a seedy bar that doesn't mind overserving him as long as he keeps paying them. His phone, his gun, and his badge are all in his car because he doesn't want to talk, shoot, or arrest anyone for interfering with his alcohol bender.

He realizes he's been at the bar for over twelve hours when his waitress alerts him that it's three am and the bar's closing. He sleeps in his truck until the liquor store is open and he can buy more. He staggers into his home well into the morning, not even bothering to acknowledge Eddie before he's breaking out the good scotch and his cheap liquor store finds. He flops on the couch and drinks since he knows Junior is away for the weekend. Happy for once that he's always alone in this life, he drinks the hair of the dog to knock his hangover and get piss drunk again. He's a sailor, well versed in coping with pain through alcohol.

Dead to the world and to his heart, he surprised when he wakes up, and he sees Danny, Junior, and Lou sitting in the chairs surrounding the couch. He notices them before they notice him and he wonders what day it is and why any of them are there. Before anyone can start their shit, he's asking for them to leave, he doesn't need a fight with any of them. He's surprised and hurt that Danny is the first one to get sick of his shit and leave the room in a huff. Lou gives Junior a look, and Junior's giving the SWAT captain and the Commander a moment alone.

"Steve, bruh, what the hell is going on? You had me and Danny worried sick? Not to mention Junior!" Steve doesn't respond except to attempt to sit up more so he can take another swig of his whiskey, the good scotch has been gone. For being such a big man, Lou is surprisingly agile and swift in snatching the drink out of Steve's hand.

After a long staring contest and a few uncalled-for words, Steve's telling Lou about the miscarriage. Junior wouldn't understand, and he can't stand to see Danny who's been blessed two times over with new additions. Lou listens, and he respects how drunk Steve is at the moment; Steve's not saying much, but Lou's gathered that Lynn's miscarried and Steve has no idea how to cope with this type of loss. Lou doesn't know what to say, how to comfort Steve, but he knows 5-O's gonna help Steve through this, no matter what. Ohana is ohana.


	33. Chapter 33

Between Lynn and Steve losing their baby, Melissa dumping him, his father's progressively worse illness, and Rachel unwilling to try with Danny again; the past few days, weeks, months – whatever, have been uncharacteristically shitty. School's let out, so Grace and Charlie are spending their summer with his parents because no one is sure if the Williams patriarch will be around for any future summers. It's a thought that sends a shiver through Danny's spine. He can't imagine the damage losing his father will wreak on his entire family; what it would do to his mother, his sisters, him. Losing his brother had almost killed his mother. Even though everyone joked that he was the pessimistic, negative Nancy of the bunch – he couldn't help, but worry that things with his blood family and his ohana were only getting worse. The morale of the people most important to him had never been lower. And Danny was not known for being the person to raise people's spirits with his cheery demeanor.

It brought him solace that Grace and Will were solid, Junior and Tani danced around their attraction – unwillingly to hurt one another or take the plunge, and Renee and Lou were well, Renee and Lou –steady and solid. Kame was good and growing richer by the day. Charlie was healthy, his babies were doing well, getting bigger in Rachel's belly every day.

His relationship with Rachel, however, had never been worse. It was like everything one of them did, pissed the other off. Nothing was working, and they weren't even trying to be together. Maybe this was his karma for being such an awful partner to Melissa for the past few years. And it was nights like these where he had no one to come home to, no one to hold as he fell asleep. Nights where he remembered all the bullshit between him and Rachel was just that, bullshit.

Like many times before this, he put his pride aside, and he went to her. He used his key to enter and chuckled to see her asleep on the couch with a tub of ice cream. She was barely pregnant, and he could already notice the changes the twins were having on her body. Everything about her was fuller, and that made her unexplainably sexier to him the few times he'd seen her now that Grace had a car and so drop-offs were less frequent.

Danny grabs the tub of ice cream and sets it beside him on the coffee table; it rustles Rachel out of her light sleep. Danny doesn't speak, he just stares into her eyes in a way that unnerves Rachel. She can't place the emotions he's communicating, she braces herself for the scolding she knows he's about to give for the ice cream, but he doesn't. She punches him playfully in the chest to make him react, and as soon as she connects, he's on her. He kisses her lightly, waiting for her to tell him, no, she doesn't, she won't. He takes her up to the bedroom, and she pushes him on the bed before she begins rummaging through her drawers and dashing to the bathroom. Danny's unsure what she's doing so he doesn't take any of his clothes off. For all, he knows she's got a gun and is ready to shoot him for all the bullshit he's put her through. He'd deserve it, too.

Rachel takes his breath away when she opens her bathroom door. He's staring at his phone until he notices her staring seductively at him from the bathroom door. She's changed from her frumpy t-shirt dress and fuzzy socks to a baby pink matching set, it's lace and has garters. Catherine had picked it out for her the day after she and Danny had conceived; Rachel had never thought she would wear it for him, things got too messy too quickly with Danny, but now she's jumping at the chance. She wishes she had his phone so she could remember this moment, it's rare Daniel Williams is speechless and rarer when it's because of a good thing.

"Daniel…" she doesn't even get a chance to quip the sexy little speech she had made up in the bathroom; he's up and kissing her passionately. She giggles against his lips once they've stopped for air, her hand palms the stubble on his face, his breath is minty fresh from the gum he had been chewing. He pulls her back to the bed and lays her down before undressing. He relishes the confused look she's giving him – she had expected to seduce him, but Danny had other plans. Once he's in his underwear, he's kissing her sexily one last time so she'll have something to remember as he lights candles in her room. Her eyes follow him like a hawk, every time she tries to speak he puts up a hand to shut her up. Apparently, Danny has a plan for her and their night that he isn't about to lay out to her in words, which frustrates her to no end. She powers down both their phones while he produces massage oil from her top drawer.

He turns back around and grabs one of her legs; he massages with the oil all the way up to the garter before painstakingly pulling it off. She sighs when he kisses her inner thigh all the way up to her center. Rachel doesn't want a massage, she wants Danny to fuck her, and here he is torturing her with a massage she doesn't need – there were spas for that. He goes for the other side, and she's ready to push her panties down herself, but he won't let her. Next, he's flipping her over and rubbing her back.

Rachel moans as he massages her lower back. The coolness of the oil and the warmth of his hands sends her senses wild, and the kisses he drops on her spine sends electricity throughout her body. Danny unhooks her bra, rubbing her back and up to her neck, sensual enough to turn her on, but not enough to get her wet. She huffs in frustration and rolls her closed eyes when she hears his amused chuckle at her irritation. This night is going too slow for Rachel, and an hour ago she hadn't even known it would even be 'going' in this direction. Danny rotates her around onto her back and pulls the bra off her, exposing her breasts. She's a little self-conscious of this angle, her stomach is pudgier because of the babies and the previous mummy tummy, and her boobs are starting to swell, but in a saggy way. If only she could see herself the way, Danny does.

In a move that she'll be thinking about for years to come, Danny moves to one side of the bed and drags her leg down and over to him. Her body easily follows Danny's swift movement, and she finds herself almost hanging off the side of her bed. She lifts up a little to see Danny kneeling on the floor, taking off her panties and looking at her devilishly. With a whoosh, her panties are off, and her legs are on Danny's shoulders as he scoots her down. She's on her forearms knowing where this is going and she laughs as she watches him lick his lips before he's finding her clit.

Usually, Danny makes it his mission to give her the most pleasure in the quickest amount of time, but it appears he is trying to kill her this evening. He's finger fucking her, blowing on her clit, watching her come, and she's trying not to rip his head off. All of her synapses are firing, and she's bucking, up and down, trying to run away from the sensory overload. She wants to send a card and floral arrangement to whoever taught Danny how to eat pussy because that woman did Rachel a favor she'd never be able to repay. He has to hold her hands down or else he'll end up with a concussion measuring the blows she's been aiming at his head as he gives her what she needs.

If she weren't already pregnant by Danny, tonight they would be making babies. Rachel wonders if the sex was a part of the reason why she could never get enough of Danny. When she's on her tenth threat of bodily harm he knows it's time for them to make love.

They go round for round, for a few hours; it's a lot more activity than either of them are used to in their early forties. They haven't had this much sex since before Grace, and it feels like old times. When Danny looks up to see the time it's three am and he's sure he's gonna be sore tomorrow. There was something about Rachel and pregnancy that made her so much more attractive to him and her much hornier – a combination that made everything better in his eyes.

"Danny?" She says breathily in her post-coital haze. He grabs the hand she had splayed across his chest and plays with her fingers before he answers.

"Yes, babe?" He says and then kisses her knuckles. Just like everything about her, it's soft and dainty. He chuckles at the old adage that his hands looked calloused and bruised so that her hands can be perfect and manicured because in this instance it's true.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Danny isn't sure he wants to know. What if it's a secret that pisses him off? But, he finds himself nodding and scooching over so he can get a better look at her as she tells him.

"When you asked if the kids could go to Jersey, I was hesitant. Not because I didn't want them to go, you know how much I love your father, but because I thought I wanted to take them back to England." She can feel Danny tense up, so she kisses his jaw before grabbing his face and kissing him, but he's not having it.

"Let me finish, Danny. Before the babies, I felt like I needed to be away from you for a while. I thought it would be good for my me to go back to England and the kids could spend time with my mum and dad while I focused on getting over you. Grace wasn't talking to me, I only have a few friends on the island, and everything here reminds me of how I've failed at life. But then I got pregnant, and I don't know, but these babies feel like a chance to make things right. So when you suggested taking a part of the summer off to take the kids to Jersey, I selfishly suggested they stay the entire summer." He doesn't understand the implications of her words. And he'd been surprised when she suggested that they send Grace and Charlie to Clara's the second they got out of school for the entire summer, but he thought she had done it to avoid a fight. He waits for her to explain herself more before he reacts.

"I wanted the kids gone so I could think clearly, Danny. I wanted to give us a chance without the pressure of the kids. It's easy to overlook things for the sake of wanting your family together. So, I wanted our beautiful children, who I love more than anything in this world, to leave us for nine weeks so that we could see if we could try again. I swore to myself that by the time those kids come back to Hawaii if we weren't working, I would swear off of you."

"Swear off me?" He's a little entertained by her choice of words.

"Yes. You're a drug to me. I love you more than you can understand. I love you in a way that doesn't make any sense." He can't believe she's saying this out loud; she never shares her feelings – especially completely sober.

"Rachel, I can't think of anything I love more than you. Our children, sure, but they remind me of you; they're products of my love for you." He sees her eyes well up, and he wonders if they've dived into the feelings category too deeply too soon.

"No, Danny, I love you more." And before they know it, they're arguing back and forth about who loves each other. Rachel wins when she grabs him unexpectedly and gives him a bedtime blowjob that's lazy, but gets the job done.

"Tomorrow, I'll show you how much I really love you." They both laugh as they kiss and cuddle. Danny groans when Rachel makes him blow out the candles surrounding the bed, but she makes up for it by pushing her ass into him as he wraps himself around her so that they can sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 35 *TW: :/ Suicidal thoughts and ideations/ Please skip the chapter if this type of content takes you to a place – I will leave a brief summary in the next chapter, so no one misses out! /

Danny doesn't get a chance to prove to Rachel that he loves her more in the morning – they have a case. He's annoyed he has to leave a sexy, sleeping Rachel to dart back to his home and change. He can tell the rest of the team is annoyed to be working early on a Sunday morning, but all he can think about is how lucky he is to be a little sore from multiple rounds of sex with the woman he was made to be with. He can tell the rest of the team is slightly suspicious of how happy Danny is, but he doesn't give a shit. Let them wonder.

After they handle the case at hand, he's surprised when Steve drives them to the palace. Danny had picked him up from his house in the morning. Steve tells Danny that he has some paperwork he needs to catch up for the upcoming work week, but Danny doesn't buy it. Danny hates when Steve lies like this. It's something Danny's been meaning to bring up, but it never seems like a good time. Danny gives his friend a break from his incessant questioning because Steve looks like he really needs it and if Steve wants to spend his lovely Sunday in the workplace that they'll be chained to in a few hours, so be it. They say their goodbyes, and weirdly, Steve is sadder Danny didn't recognize that Steve's silently crying out for help. Steve hates paperwork, so for him to be doing nonessential paperwork on the weekend alone, should be a dead giveaway, he thinks.

Steve knows the team, especially Danny, is worried about him. Times like these he wishes it was the original team, the ones who had seen him at his worst with Wo Fat, Shelburne, losing Cath the first time, Jenna Kaye – they knew him in the lows and knew what to do, this new group had no idea how to help Steve. Steve knows he's been sad, broken, and despondent before, but this is the first time in his life he can admit that he is depressed.

His baby is dead, he doesn't have it in him to have Catherine leave him again, Danny's got his own shit, and he effectively has no parents. Freddie's dead, his SEAL team, is in Coronado, his niece and nephew are in Jersey, and his sister is busy with his niece in LA. Chin and Kono were never coming back to the task force. Aunt Deb was dead, Joe was back in the wind, his illnesses were wearing on him, and Junior was officially moved out with Eddie spending some weekends.

The palace and work used to be his refuge, but now he's not even motivated to do any work. He just likes being alone in a place that isn't his home. His thoughts get too dark for him to be alone at home. In tormenting ever playing loop, he thought of all the horrible deeds he'd committed under the guise of "For God and Country" and what was wrong with him that he couldn't ever have anyone put him first in their lives.

Steve plops on the sofa in his office and stares at the ceiling. He's too tired to even get out the scotch he keeps in his drawer – not that he's even sure there's any left. It's night time before he realizes he's spent hours just thinking, disparaging himself and his life choices. He feels so low, he thinks about how easy it would be to end it all. His thoughts have been getting darker and darker by the day, and he's not sure what to make of that –either. Steve McGarrett has never been in this much pain in his life. He doesn't feel like there's anyone who can understand him. By his actions, he's alienated or been abandoned by anyone who's ever loved him.

He knows he should be pulling on his ohana at this moment, but he can't, they have their own lives and worries. He thinks back to hearing Lou talk about his own PTSD and his battle with suicidal thoughts. Steve knows he can't call Lou and tell him that he's been thinking about ending it all – Lou will shut shit down and send in the Calvary. He doesn't want his team looking over his shoulder and crowding him making sure he doesn't do anything permanent.

But, Steve honestly feels like ending it all. No matter all the accolades, the accomplishments, the success he's garnered in his life, it feels like it doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. He's been numb for a while, and the miscarriage sent him flailing down a black hole of sadness. It was a slap in the face that the universe and the higher powers that be decided he would never have the family he needed. A wife and children in his house, people who would love him forever in the way he so desperately needed. He knew his ohana loved him and would always be there, but he needed that love and support from a family of McGarretts.

When his mind goes to the place he knows will cause him to make a permanent decision over a temporary sadness, he summons every fiber of strength within him to go to his computer – he needs to find a place that can help him. A place where no one knows him as Commander McGarrett, somewhere he can get the help he needs. He finds a crisis center in Maui, and he makes a reservation to go. He writes an automated message to the team telling them he needed to take some personal time and that Danny would be in charge until further notice; by the time the message sends he will be in the treatment center.

Junior picks him up and takes him back home, Junior had meant to give Eddie back, but Steve tells him to keep Eddie a few more days, a move that surprises both Eddie and Junior. Once Steve gets back to his home, he packs, locks all of his windows and throws away all of his perishable food. His ride to the airport picks him up promptly, and he leaves his cellphone and his badge at his home.

The flight to Maui isn't long, but Steve drinks from the time he's past security to the time he's on the shuttle to the place. He's drunk as fuck, sad as fuck, and thank God for his shades because he doesn't need complete strangers to see his bloodshot eyes, rimmed with tears. Sitting in the treatment center lobby reminds him of the first time he'd gone to therapy with Catherine and that sets him off. He has to go the bathroom before he breaks down in a fucking waiting room. Missing her is killing him, other issues hurt him, but it's like his mind can't get over all that they could have been and how bad he's fucked up.

After the initial 72-hour hold, Steve's not ready to go home. He makes a call to the Governor who allows for him to get an all-expense paid stay for an additional week. Except that they control everything he does, eats, and says – staying at an inpatient clinic for mental health was nothing like he expected, he actually liked it. Nobody knew him, the intense therapy helped him, and hearing the stories of others emboldened him to come to terms with how close he was to ending his own life. The center sets him up with the people who can help him back in Oahu.

For the first time in a while, Steve sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

Danny, on the other hand, is a wreck; he didn't understand the email the team had received from Steve Monday morning. Steve wasn't due for any reserve training he knew, Junior had mentioned Steve wasn't in the best mood last night, and so Danny is in full panic mood. Steve being the dickhead he was, set his email to come in after he knew all of them would be at work. He's not answering any of Danny's calls or texts, leaving Danny thoroughly irate.

At lunch both Danny and Lou head to the house, Lou is mainly there, so Danny doesn't lose his head. When they find the Silverado parked, Danny is ready to rip Steve a new one. When they walk in and see Steve's gun, badge, and phone – the two get nervous. In his bedroom, Steve's left a note telling Danny that he needed to get away for a while before he hurt himself or worse and that he's sorry he wasn't man enough to say to the team straight up. He lets them know he's seeking professional help for the deep-seated issues.

Lou and Danny both read the message and Danny looks at the envelope that's unaddressed. To their horror it contains Steve's will and a note:

 ** _To whom it may concern,_**

 ** _I would like to thank my SEAL team for being the best team there is – I would do anything for my brothers both living and dead. Hooyah. My time as Smooth Dog remains as some of the best memories of my life. To my Commander Joe White, thank you for all that you've done for me. I owe you my life and then some._**

 ** _I would like to thank my Ohana for loving me and being such a great team. It was an honor to lead such a task force. Kame, Flippa, Adam, Max, Noelani, Eric, Hirsch, Sang Min, Nahele, Tani, and Junior – thank you for all the work you've done with and for 5-0. Getting to know each of you was indeed a pleasure. To Kono and Chin, understand that no matter where you are and what you are doing you will always be 5-0. I've missed you each and every day since you've left. Thank you, Lou, for being such a great friend. All our talks have helped me grow as a person, and I am so thankful you entered my life when you did._**

 ** _Danny, you were the best partner, I could have ever had or dreamt of having. I love you, brother. Take care of those kids, or I'll haunt you forever! Thank you for all the rants, the fights, and letting me drive your car for almost a decade. Grace, Charlie, and the babies I don't know yet – please be good to your father, Uncle Steve has already put him through enough. Danny, I hope you find the love you've been looking for, with the only woman on Earth who could possibly tolerate you._**

 ** _Mary, I love you and Joan immensely. Doris, I hope you get to know Joan and even Mary as an adult. We missed out on too many years without you. We always needed you and will always need you._**

 ** _To Catherine, there are just not enough words to describe how much I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't the man you needed me to be. My biggest regret was never figuring us, out. I hope you find love, happiness, and fulfillment in wherever life takes you. From the first time I saw you, you've held my heart in your hands. Every mission, every conversation, kept me going. You were always the one for me; I love you with my whole heart._**

 ** _My last wish_** ** _is that my ohana both blood and not, support each other. Danny, forgive Catherine. Junior, ask Tani out. Lou, stop smoking – Renee doesn't like it. Chin, I am so proud of you. Kono, you are changing the world. Danny and Rachel, congratulations on the babies! I hope one is named Steven, boy or girl, it doesn't matter. Lt. Rollins, we will always have the Enterprise._**

 _ **Faithfully yours,**_

 _ **Commander, Steven J. McGarrett**_

Danny and Lou are floored. How could they have not seen what Steve was going through? They thought he had just been going through a severe bout of sadness, maybe the radiation poisoning was back, but never suicide. Danny needed some air. He couldn't face the possibility of losing Steve, and he hated himself for not catching the signs earlier. His ass was literally professionally trained to spot people in crisis and yet he'd been clueless the depths of Steve's pain. He has no idea where Steve is, but in his heart of hearts he knows Steve is alive- his outside note said so. And for that he thanks, God.

Once Steve gets back, Danny's gonna kill him for putting him and Lou through this shit. Jerry calls and lets him know he's hacked Steve's computer and found the center Steve looked up and the arrangements he's made to get there. Thank God for immunity and means, because Jerry is able to see through the systems' patient portal that Steve is an active patient.

Danny debates whether to call Catherine – this seemed like information she needed to know, but he didn't know if that was crossing a line. He dials Grace and Charlie instead, he needs to hear his kids, he needs to be grounded. He calls Rachel next and begs her to just stay on the line. He listens as she talks about nothing – because nothing calms him like listening to her. He lets everyone off early – he needs to see her and feel the babies growing inside her belly.

The minute he sees Rachel, he knows he needs to tell Catherine. Steve deserves love from the one person his heart is screaming out for. She's the only one who can help Steve out of this place in the way he needs help. But Danny's caught between a rock and a hard place, it's not his business to tell Catherine and yet it's his friend's life and happiness on the line. He's not sure if he'll talk to Catherine or wait for Steve to, but as he wraps himself around Rachel, he wants that for Steve.


End file.
